Co-parenting is tough

[Anonymous]

Honestly, OP, it sounds like you need to get your head out of the "My poor angelic DH has done no wrong, he wants this, he wants that, his poor feeeeeelings" way of thinking about this. Of course you like your husband, but it seems like there's a lot more history here. You say they had a bad breakup, has he taken responsibility for his part in that?

Stop thinking about your DH and start thinking of your SD's best interests. Yes, it *might* be in her best interests to spend more time with her father, but she's not a prize to be won or a possession to be passed back and forth, especially if she doesn't want to have to move back and forth. Some kids really just hate that, especially as they become teenagers and want more control of their lives. She and her mom might be concerned that if they allow this week, there will be pressure for more. Try to see it from the other person's perspective, rather than just thinking about your darling man and his tender feelings.

[Anonymous]

OP, has your DH made a realistic pitch to his ex, discussing explicitly how he will handle her commute, activities, homework, school events, etc? Just saying he wants more time because he wants it isn't working. He needs to change his approach. And maybe start with asking for an extra *day*, like the Friday before his weekend visits, and work up to it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, OP, it sounds like you need to get your head out of the "My poor angelic DH has done no wrong, he wants this, he wants that, his poor feeeeeelings" way of thinking about this. Of course you like your husband, but it seems like there's a lot more history here. You say they had a bad breakup, has he taken responsibility for his part in that?

Stop thinking about your DH and start thinking of your SD's best interests. Yes, it *might* be in her best interests to spend more time with her father, but she's not a prize to be won or a possession to be passed back and forth, especially if she doesn't want to have to move back and forth. Some kids really just hate that, especially as they become teenagers and want more control of their lives. She and her mom might be concerned that if they allow this week, there will be pressure for more. Try to see it from the other person's perspective, rather than just thinking about your darling man and his tender feelings.

m

OP here. I never said DH did no wrong. Nor do I think he is perfect. But he’s a damn good father and does everything he can for all of his children. That, I cannot and will not take away from him. We all have areas to improve on, but he does very well overall. I spend a lot of time defending his ex and understanding things from her perspective, so no, I don’t think she’s the villain. She’s also doing her best. The point of this post is that I felt bad that DH was disappointed in the change as it’s something he’s always longed to do, and it’s just something that comes along with the territory (vs having your kids live with you FT).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, has your DH made a realistic pitch to his ex, discussing explicitly how he will handle her commute, activities, homework, school events, etc? Just saying he wants more time because he wants it isn't working. He needs to change his approach. And maybe start with asking for an extra *day*, like the Friday before his weekend visits, and work up to it.

He hasn’t asked for more time since they went to court. He had asked several times and of course gave full details on logistics, but it never panned out. Since the last court hearing, he sort of just goes along to get along and not go back to their prior interactions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like maybe the girl's mother has ADD as well, and that's why she's having trouble managing the schedule and parenting. Or maybe she's backing away because she realized she doesn't like the new togetherness as much as she thought she would. Or because the daughter doesn't like it, or doesn't like her dad's house. It kinda sucks, honestly, to be the visiting older child in a little-kid zone and in a family that revolves around the needs of younger children.

Ask yourself if you really, truly want a teenager in your weekday life. Really. With normal teen behaviors and a teen schedule and lots of homework and needing to be taken places and struggling with ADD at every part of the day?

Personally, I think it really is best for a child with ADD to have one single home. It's a bummer for your DH, but this isn't about him, it's about what's best for his daughter. He chose to get his girlfriend pregnant, and he and a lot of other people are paying the consequences for a very long time. It is what it is. He shouldn't expect to get what he wants. Nobody else is!

OP here. That is possible. It’s just hard for her to commit to things and is just always running late, disheveled, etc. Like I said earlier, she says so often “I just don’t know what to do with her” but also won’t ask DH for help. He offers, and she’s like OK GREAT!, and then fails to execute. DD spends a lot of time at her aunts house, so she transitions a lot there. Maybe she just doesn’t like spending as much time with dad, that is very possible. We definitely have more rules, expectations, etc. (Obviously age appropriate), but with mom and aunt, it’s a free for all. Definitely would be more appealing to most kids! Regardless, it is what it is, these are some of the consequences of having kids and not staying together. Hopefully things just continue to improve for DD.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, OP, it sounds like you need to get your head out of the "My poor angelic DH has done no wrong, he wants this, he wants that, his poor feeeeeelings" way of thinking about this. Of course you like your husband, but it seems like there's a lot more history here. You say they had a bad breakup, has he taken responsibility for his part in that?

Stop thinking about your DH and start thinking of your SD's best interests. Yes, it *might* be in her best interests to spend more time with her father, but she's not a prize to be won or a possession to be passed back and forth, especially if she doesn't want to have to move back and forth. Some kids really just hate that, especially as they become teenagers and want more control of their lives. She and her mom might be concerned that if they allow this week, there will be pressure for more. Try to see it from the other person's perspective, rather than just thinking about your darling man and his tender feelings.

m

OP here. I never said DH did no wrong. Nor do I think he is perfect. But he’s a damn good father and does everything he can for all of his children. That, I cannot and will not take away from him. We all have areas to improve on, but he does very well overall. I spend a lot of time defending his ex and understanding things from her perspective, so no, I don’t think she’s the villain. She’s also doing her best. The point of this post is that I felt bad that DH was disappointed in the change as it’s something he’s always longed to do, and it’s just something that comes along with the territory (vs having your kids live with you FT).

I see that you've completely missed my point. Stop focusing on your DH and his feelings. I'm sure he's a lovely man and a good father. Yes, it's a bummer that he can't get more time with his daughter. It's also a bummer that his youthful carelessness has resulted in a child growing up without an intact family. But you chose to marry into this, and it's going to be sad and difficult in one way or another whether he gets more time or he doesn't.

Again, try to put yourself in other people's shoes and think about *why* the SD and her mother might not want to give your DH more time. They probably have reasons, and you need to open your mind to what those reasons are. Even if it's hard to hear.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like maybe the girl's mother has ADD as well, and that's why she's having trouble managing the schedule and parenting. Or maybe she's backing away because she realized she doesn't like the new togetherness as much as she thought she would. Or because the daughter doesn't like it, or doesn't like her dad's house. It kinda sucks, honestly, to be the visiting older child in a little-kid zone and in a family that revolves around the needs of younger children.

Ask yourself if you really, truly want a teenager in your weekday life. Really. With normal teen behaviors and a teen schedule and lots of homework and needing to be taken places and struggling with ADD at every part of the day?

Personally, I think it really is best for a child with ADD to have one single home. It's a bummer for your DH, but this isn't about him, it's about what's best for his daughter. He chose to get his girlfriend pregnant, and he and a lot of other people are paying the consequences for a very long time. It is what it is. He shouldn't expect to get what he wants. Nobody else is!

OP here. That is possible. It’s just hard for her to commit to things and is just always running late, disheveled, etc. Like I said earlier, she says so often “I just don’t know what to do with her” but also won’t ask DH for help. He offers, and she’s like OK GREAT!, and then fails to execute. DD spends a lot of time at her aunts house, so she transitions a lot there. Maybe she just doesn’t like spending as much time with dad, that is very possible. We definitely have more rules, expectations, etc. (Obviously age appropriate), but with mom and aunt, it’s a free for all. Definitely would be more appealing to most kids! Regardless, it is what it is, these are some of the consequences of having kids and not staying together. Hopefully things just continue to improve for DD.

Ah, here we go.

1) Sounds like the mom has ADHD, you need to build that in to your approach.
2) It's really, really common for the new wife with younger children to think her expectations are age-appropriate when really they are not. Have you parented a teenager before?
3) It might be the rules, but again, that's a classic new wife mistake. It could be any number of things. Maybe the younger kids are annoying. Maybe she doesn't like you. Maybe your DH isn't good about taking her to activities and social events. Maybe it involves a long commute. It could be anything. Stop assuming it's your excellent parenting!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, OP, it sounds like you need to get your head out of the "My poor angelic DH has done no wrong, he wants this, he wants that, his poor feeeeeelings" way of thinking about this. Of course you like your husband, but it seems like there's a lot more history here. You say they had a bad breakup, has he taken responsibility for his part in that?

Stop thinking about your DH and start thinking of your SD's best interests. Yes, it *might* be in her best interests to spend more time with her father, but she's not a prize to be won or a possession to be passed back and forth, especially if she doesn't want to have to move back and forth. Some kids really just hate that, especially as they become teenagers and want more control of their lives. She and her mom might be concerned that if they allow this week, there will be pressure for more. Try to see it from the other person's perspective, rather than just thinking about your darling man and his tender feelings.

m

OP here. I never said DH did no wrong. Nor do I think he is perfect. But he’s a damn good father and does everything he can for all of his children. That, I cannot and will not take away from him. We all have areas to improve on, but he does very well overall. I spend a lot of time defending his ex and understanding things from her perspective, so no, I don’t think she’s the villain. She’s also doing her best. The point of this post is that I felt bad that DH was disappointed in the change as it’s something he’s always longed to do, and it’s just something that comes along with the territory (vs having your kids live with you FT).

What or who are you defending his ex from? Your DH?

Maybe the ex doesn't want to agree to it because she can tell there's tension. Or maybe the SD knows that her father is angry at her mother and that makes her uncomfortable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, OP, it sounds like you need to get your head out of the "My poor angelic DH has done no wrong, he wants this, he wants that, his poor feeeeeelings" way of thinking about this. Of course you like your husband, but it seems like there's a lot more history here. You say they had a bad breakup, has he taken responsibility for his part in that?

Stop thinking about your DH and start thinking of your SD's best interests. Yes, it *might* be in her best interests to spend more time with her father, but she's not a prize to be won or a possession to be passed back and forth, especially if she doesn't want to have to move back and forth. Some kids really just hate that, especially as they become teenagers and want more control of their lives. She and her mom might be concerned that if they allow this week, there will be pressure for more. Try to see it from the other person's perspective, rather than just thinking about your darling man and his tender feelings.

She is. It’s best for this child to have an equal relationship with both parents. How hard is that for you to fpget! Sounds like mom was very unstable for many years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like maybe the girl's mother has ADD as well, and that's why she's having trouble managing the schedule and parenting. Or maybe she's backing away because she realized she doesn't like the new togetherness as much as she thought she would. Or because the daughter doesn't like it, or doesn't like her dad's house. It kinda sucks, honestly, to be the visiting older child in a little-kid zone and in a family that revolves around the needs of younger children.

Ask yourself if you really, truly want a teenager in your weekday life. Really. With normal teen behaviors and a teen schedule and lots of homework and needing to be taken places and struggling with ADD at every part of the day?

Personally, I think it really is best for a child with ADD to have one single home. It's a bummer for your DH, but this isn't about him, it's about what's best for his daughter. He chose to get his girlfriend pregnant, and he and a lot of other people are paying the consequences for a very long time. It is what it is. He shouldn't expect to get what he wants. Nobody else is!

OP here. That is possible. It’s just hard for her to commit to things and is just always running late, disheveled, etc. Like I said earlier, she says so often “I just don’t know what to do with her” but also won’t ask DH for help. He offers, and she’s like OK GREAT!, and then fails to execute. DD spends a lot of time at her aunts house, so she transitions a lot there. Maybe she just doesn’t like spending as much time with dad, that is very possible. We definitely have more rules, expectations, etc. (Obviously age appropriate), but with mom and aunt, it’s a free for all. Definitely would be more appealing to most kids! Regardless, it is what it is, these are some of the consequences of having kids and not staying together. Hopefully things just continue to improve for DD.

Ah, here we go.

1) Sounds like the mom has ADHD, you need to build that in to your approach.
2) It's really, really common for the new wife with younger children to think her expectations are age-appropriate when really they are not. Have you parented a teenager before?
3) It might be the rules, but again, that's a classic new wife mistake. It could be any number of things. Maybe the younger kids are annoying. Maybe she doesn't like you. Maybe your DH isn't good about taking her to activities and social events. Maybe it involves a long commute. It could be anything. Stop assuming it's your excellent parenting!

They have been married 10 or so years. Not a new wife. Stop making up stuff to justify it all. This nonsense messes up kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, OP, it sounds like you need to get your head out of the "My poor angelic DH has done no wrong, he wants this, he wants that, his poor feeeeeelings" way of thinking about this. Of course you like your husband, but it seems like there's a lot more history here. You say they had a bad breakup, has he taken responsibility for his part in that?

Stop thinking about your DH and start thinking of your SD's best interests. Yes, it *might* be in her best interests to spend more time with her father, but she's not a prize to be won or a possession to be passed back and forth, especially if she doesn't want to have to move back and forth. Some kids really just hate that, especially as they become teenagers and want more control of their lives. She and her mom might be concerned that if they allow this week, there will be pressure for more. Try to see it from the other person's perspective, rather than just thinking about your darling man and his tender feelings.

She is. It’s best for this child to have an equal relationship with both parents. How hard is that for you to fpget! Sounds like mom was very unstable for many years.

You don't know that's what's best, you're just a random person on the internet and you've only heard the new wife's side of the story. Some kids don't do well with the constant back-and-forth, especially if they have special needs or the parents' relationship is tense.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like maybe the girl's mother has ADD as well, and that's why she's having trouble managing the schedule and parenting. Or maybe she's backing away because she realized she doesn't like the new togetherness as much as she thought she would. Or because the daughter doesn't like it, or doesn't like her dad's house. It kinda sucks, honestly, to be the visiting older child in a little-kid zone and in a family that revolves around the needs of younger children.

Ask yourself if you really, truly want a teenager in your weekday life. Really. With normal teen behaviors and a teen schedule and lots of homework and needing to be taken places and struggling with ADD at every part of the day?

Personally, I think it really is best for a child with ADD to have one single home. It's a bummer for your DH, but this isn't about him, it's about what's best for his daughter. He chose to get his girlfriend pregnant, and he and a lot of other people are paying the consequences for a very long time. It is what it is. He shouldn't expect to get what he wants. Nobody else is!

OP here. That is possible. It’s just hard for her to commit to things and is just always running late, disheveled, etc. Like I said earlier, she says so often “I just don’t know what to do with her” but also won’t ask DH for help. He offers, and she’s like OK GREAT!, and then fails to execute. DD spends a lot of time at her aunts house, so she transitions a lot there. Maybe she just doesn’t like spending as much time with dad, that is very possible. We definitely have more rules, expectations, etc. (Obviously age appropriate), but with mom and aunt, it’s a free for all. Definitely would be more appealing to most kids! Regardless, it is what it is, these are some of the consequences of having kids and not staying together. Hopefully things just continue to improve for DD.

Ah, here we go.

1) Sounds like the mom has ADHD, you need to build that in to your approach.
2) It's really, really common for the new wife with younger children to think her expectations are age-appropriate when really they are not. Have you parented a teenager before?
3) It might be the rules, but again, that's a classic new wife mistake. It could be any number of things. Maybe the younger kids are annoying. Maybe she doesn't like you. Maybe your DH isn't good about taking her to activities and social events. Maybe it involves a long commute. It could be anything. Stop assuming it's your excellent parenting!

They have been married 10 or so years. Not a new wife. Stop making up stuff to justify it all. This nonsense messes up kids.

With which of my points do you disagree, specifically?

[Anonymous]

2) It's really, really common for the new wife with younger children to think her expectations are age-appropriate when really they are not. Have you parented a teenager before?

^^^^^^

OP, this poster brings a great point. Parenting teens is a whole different ballgame and things may not go as you plan. Perhaps DD is good with the arrangement, loves her dad, but wants to keep arrangement as is

[Anonymous]

OP, do you really really want 50/50 custody of a teenager? What would your living situation be like? How would it work logistically, with your kids too-- not just now but as they grow older and have more complicated schedules. Do you want to divide your parenting attention in this way? Do you feel you can be patient and loving despite a lot more contact with her mom, and despite having to manage her ADHD and its behavioral and academic implications. An ADHD teen can be a really difficult parenting road. Really think about this. Be careful what you wish for.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, do you really really want 50/50 custody of a teenager? What would your living situation be like? How would it work logistically, with your kids too-- not just now but as they grow older and have more complicated schedules. Do you want to divide your parenting attention in this way? Do you feel you can be patient and loving despite a lot more contact with her mom, and despite having to manage her ADHD and its behavioral and academic implications. An ADHD teen can be a really difficult parenting road. Really think about this. Be careful what you wish for.

And of course, once you have her 50/50 you can't go back to having less-- that has to be her choice, you can't kick her out or cut back because that would be really damaging and traumatic.

Have a great time enforcing your totally age-appropriate parenting and rules on an ADHD teenager! This seems like a genius plan.