Co-parenting is tough

[Anonymous]

I have an amazing stepdaughter who is 13 years old. She primarily lives with her bio mom. A little backstory - her bio mom and my DH were together for about one year before having her. They were 19 and 20 when they had her and had a pretty bad breakup while bio mom was pregnant. My stepdaughter has never seen her parents together. Back then, my now DH took bio mom to court because she wasn't allowing him to see their daughter, played games, etc. She made a lot of claims in court and had a great lawyer, so she ended up with primary physical custody but joint legal. My DH has had an every other weekend schedule since the beginning. After about 7 years, they still couldn't get along and parent effectively together. Bio mom would change DD's school without telling DH, would regularly cancel weekend visits, wouldn't let DD travel with him, and wouldn't let her come for summer visits . DH ended up trying to go back to court to request more time with DD, and his lawyer pointed out all of the things bio mom had done to keep DD away from him. The judge agreed that bio mom was wrong for playing games, but because of DD's ADHD diagnosis, the judge said it would be best for DD to stay in one home, so the schedule didn't change. DH was very upset that he couldn't get more time with DD, but, her bio mom did stop canceling visits and would include him in decision making, so there was some progress.

Fast forward to now, for the past 2 years, bio mom and DH have been getting along better than ever, to the point they started doing joint birthday events, doing group family outings, etc. They really turned a corner. DH was so excited that bio mom recently asked him to keep DD for about one week because bio mom had to travel. He was excited to have the chance to have more than just weekend/fun time.

Two days before the extra visit was supposed to take place, bio mom canceled, saying she was no longer traveling, so they could stick to the regular weekend schedule. DH was sad but didn't say anything to bio mom about it.

I feel so sad for DH...I just know how much he was looking forward to being able to take her to school, help with homework, and have a chance to engrain her into our regular weekday lives with our other children.

Don't really know the point of this post besides wanting a place to vent, but blended families and co-parenting just sucks sometimes. They've made so much progress over the years, and this event just feels like a revert back to old times, which were hard. I just know how much DH wants to be involved, and he just isn't given the opportunity. It's to the point where money doesn't even matter...he would still pay his required $1,800/month and have increased time with his daughter.

[Anonymous]

She's never going to allow more. The only way is to take it back to court but even if he does, she'll still play games. This is visitation, not co-parenting. He's a human atm. That's all the courts care about is if he pays his child support.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She's never going to allow more. The only way is to take it back to court but even if he does, she'll still play games. This is visitation, not co-parenting. He's a human atm. That's all the courts care about is if he pays his child support.

OP here. I suppose I just can't understand why she wouldn't allow more time. She and DH talk about the issues DD is having in school, with friendships, etc. She is having a very hard time and bio mom has admitted several times "I just don't know what to do". DH has told her, call me when xyz happens, etc., but she just doesn't. It's almost like she is so used to doing it all (by her own choice) that she doesn't think to involve him. She always says "I know you're busy" or "sorry to bother you" and DH is like...it's never a bother! I really don't want to believe that bio mom has bad intentions...like I said, they went from essentially hating each other and not speaking unless via text in a very formal manner to literally coming to events at each other's houses, etc. I just can't understand it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She's never going to allow more. The only way is to take it back to court but even if he does, she'll still play games. This is visitation, not co-parenting. He's a human atm. That's all the courts care about is if he pays his child support.

OP here. I suppose I just can't understand why she wouldn't allow more time. She and DH talk about the issues DD is having in school, with friendships, etc. She is having a very hard time and bio mom has admitted several times "I just don't know what to do". DH has told her, call me when xyz happens, etc., but she just doesn't. It's almost like she is so used to doing it all (by her own choice) that she doesn't think to involve him. She always says "I know you're busy" or "sorry to bother you" and DH is like...it's never a bother! I really don't want to believe that bio mom has bad intentions...like I said, they went from essentially hating each other and not speaking unless via text in a very formal manner to literally coming to events at each other's houses, etc. I just can't understand it.

Some people are just like that. It's all about them and drama. They thrive off drama, and complaining and don't want Dad to do better as then that would make them look bad. Sadly this is very common with divorce. It is what it is.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like your husband is laying a good groundwork so he and his daughter can have a positive relationship when she is an adult. I would commiserate with your husband if he complains, but do not insert yourself in this at all.

[Anonymous]

There are always two sides to every story. When did you come on the scene?

[Anonymous]

You need a better lawyer

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like your husband is laying a good groundwork so he and his daughter can have a positive relationship when she is an adult. I would commiserate with your husband if he complains, but do not insert yourself in this at all.

OP here, and thanks. I would never insert myself, it just sucks to see him down and sucks because I love DH and step DD so much!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There are always two sides to every story. When did you come on the scene?

OP here and I just hate that people do this on every stepmom post. Not everyone is a side piece or had an affair. I have nothing to do with this.

[Anonymous]

Are you planning on having kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are you planning on having kids?

OP here. We have two and not planning on more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There are always two sides to every story. When did you come on the scene?

OP here and I just hate that people do this on every stepmom post. Not everyone is a side piece or had an affair. I have nothing to do with this.

PP wasn’t accusing you of being a side piece. He/she is asking how much of this did you witness, and how much are you getting from what he’s told you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There are always two sides to every story. When did you come on the scene?

OP here and I just hate that people do this on every stepmom post. Not everyone is a side piece or had an affair. I have nothing to do with this.

PP wasn’t accusing you of being a side piece. He/she is asking how much of this did you witness, and how much are you getting from what he’s told you?

I’ve been around since DD was 2, so quite a while, but i havent seen everything.

[Anonymous]

It's tough, OP.

I admire your compassion for all the effort your DH has put into this. It sounds like he is building a strong relationship with his daughter, as much as he can as the non-custodial parent. That will be worth it as she gets older and can make more decisions about who she wants to spend time with.

Stay the course. Be supportive. There's still a lot for him to look forward to in their relationship.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like maybe the girl's mother has ADD as well, and that's why she's having trouble managing the schedule and parenting. Or maybe she's backing away because she realized she doesn't like the new togetherness as much as she thought she would. Or because the daughter doesn't like it, or doesn't like her dad's house. It kinda sucks, honestly, to be the visiting older child in a little-kid zone and in a family that revolves around the needs of younger children.

Ask yourself if you really, truly want a teenager in your weekday life. Really. With normal teen behaviors and a teen schedule and lots of homework and needing to be taken places and struggling with ADD at every part of the day?

Personally, I think it really is best for a child with ADD to have one single home. It's a bummer for your DH, but this isn't about him, it's about what's best for his daughter. He chose to get his girlfriend pregnant, and he and a lot of other people are paying the consequences for a very long time. It is what it is. He shouldn't expect to get what he wants. Nobody else is!