Co-parenting is tough

[Anonymous]

OP, absolutely. Stuff like this is why I'm always annoyed when people post about marriage difficulties in the relationship forum and so many posters are like "just get a divorce." If no kids, okay, but co-parenting young kids with an ex is really hard.

My BIL is currently living with a woman in a similar situation as you describe. She and her ex broke up when their DD was 1 or 2, I can't remember, but they've been divorced since, so she has no real recollection of them together. They have something closer to 50/50 custody than you describe, but a lot of the dynamics are the same. There is a ton of resentment and little petty arguments about the details of the custody arrangement, even now years into it, with both sides sometimes playing these little games to angle for advantages. It feels very messy to me. Their DD is the same age as mine, and I feel bad because I think she's really negatively impacted by how much anger and resentment exists between her parents. In theory she is getting an example of a functional relationship because my BIL and her mom seem to be pretty solid, but I also feel like BIL sometimes joins in her in bashing her ex (sometimes in earshot of their DD, which I think is in very bad taste) so there is some dysfunction there as well.

I try to be empathetic and understanding of everyone and I am sure they have their reasons for the resentment and anger (as well as splitting up -- certainly it doesn't seem like they should be together). But it's hard on kids.

I guess the takeaway is just try really hard not to have kids with someone if there's any chance it can blow up this way. I do think it often speaks to emotional immaturity by both parties to make that choice -- kids need stability and we should all do everything we can to create that stability both before we have kids and then while they are with us. Strong relationships are really important for that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There are always two sides to every story. When did you come on the scene?

NP: How dare you? You're vile.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, OP, it sounds like you need to get your head out of the "My poor angelic DH has done no wrong, he wants this, he wants that, his poor feeeeeelings" way of thinking about this. Of course you like your husband, but it seems like there's a lot more history here. You say they had a bad breakup, has he taken responsibility for his part in that?

Stop thinking about your DH and start thinking of your SD's best interests. Yes, it *might* be in her best interests to spend more time with her father, but she's not a prize to be won or a possession to be passed back and forth, especially if she doesn't want to have to move back and forth. Some kids really just hate that, especially as they become teenagers and want more control of their lives. She and her mom might be concerned that if they allow this week, there will be pressure for more. Try to see it from the other person's perspective, rather than just thinking about your darling man and his tender feelings.

This pp is all sorts of deranged. She starts from a position that obviously OP's husband must be responsible for the breakup with the girl's mother and insinuates the mother is within her rights to use the daughter to punish her ex even as pp lectures pp that the girl is "not a prize to be won or a possession to be passed back and forth."

She's either projecting, a misandrist or a deeply disturbed individual with a fundamental character defect. In any case, OP, you can safely ignore this one. She has nothing valid to say.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, do you really really want 50/50 custody of a teenager? What would your living situation be like? How would it work logistically, with your kids too-- not just now but as they grow older and have more complicated schedules. Do you want to divide your parenting attention in this way? Do you feel you can be patient and loving despite a lot more contact with her mom, and despite having to manage her ADHD and its behavioral and academic implications. An ADHD teen can be a really difficult parenting road. Really think about this. Be careful what you wish for.

OP here. I get it. It won't be easy. But, no one ever said parenting would be easy, and as parents, you have to sacrifice what you want for what's best for the child. If the child is suffering in the current state, DH would do anything to assist. Again, this does not mean take child from mom or put down mom, but work together more efficiently to help the child. Mom just doesn't want to do anything (says all of the right things but doesn't execute).

It sounds like the mom has ADHD and more kids than she can handle, and is in an abusive marriage. I'm sorry that makes your DH sad. That must be really hard for your DH. Do you have a plan other than wishing the mom would change?

There is absolutely nothing OP or her husband can do to fix what is going on in Mom's home. If your child isn't thriving and not living with you and there is nothing you can do about it, of course you'd be upset.

Well yes, but the OP started with the DH being sad that he didn't get his daughter for a week. Not that there's anything wrong with being sad about that. But "I'm sad that my daughter is being inadequately parented and lives in a toxic household and doesn't get time with me" is different from "I didn't get my week and I am sad". See how one is focused on the DH's feelings and one is focused on the actual underlying problem?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you planning on having kids?

OP here. We have two and not planning on more.

I would butt the way out of this then and focus on your 2 kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:2) It's really, really common for the new wife with younger children to think her expectations are age-appropriate when really they are not. Have you parented a teenager before?

^^^^^^

OP, this poster brings a great point. Parenting teens is a whole different ballgame and things may not go as you plan. Perhaps DD is good with the arrangement, loves her dad, but wants to keep arrangement as is

OP here. I try to leave details out to not make us identifiable, but I do believe I mentioned upthread that I have been in DD's life for over 10 years. I am not a new wife. I've been her stepmom for more of her life than not. She doesn't remember a life before this arrangement. I also have a child close to DD's age, so she's not a teen in a home full of baby siblings. In fact, her siblings at her moms house are in the same age bracket as her younger siblings here (not including my older child). I, personally, do not have any challenges with DD. She has told her dad, her mom, etc., that we get along fine. We don't have any bumps or issues. She knows she is no different than any other child in our home. They are 100% equal. I can guarantee she has no issue with that. I am not the problem.

I know the responsibilities, etc. that we give her are age appropriate because I have a child of that age! Of course we make adaptations due to her inattentiveness, so we're not expecting her to do things the way another child might do it. We're talking things like knowing how to walk the dog (with a sibling), not lying and sneaking phones to play inappropriate games and watch inappropriate content on TikTok, things of that nature.

It is my belief that DD (and obviously her mom) prefer to keep the arrangement as is, and whatever the reasons are, it is what it is. It still sucks not only for the parent who gets no time, but also because the parent who does have her is overwhelmed and can't handle it, so the child suffers in many areas (has no friends, not doing well in school, spends more time at her aunt's house because mom can't handle her, not participating in any extracurriculars, etc.)

Oh this all sounds like a hot mess with all these different kids with different mothers/fathers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you planning on having kids?

OP here. We have two and not planning on more.

I would butt the way out of this then and focus on your 2 kids.

This is a weird reply. Of course she's going to care about her own stepchild whoi is half sibling to hers.

[Anonymous]

Op I'm sorry the co parenting isn't going better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op I'm sorry the co parenting isn't going better.

Thank you. I appreciate that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, absolutely. Stuff like this is why I'm always annoyed when people post about marriage difficulties in the relationship forum and so many posters are like "just get a divorce." If no kids, okay, but co-parenting young kids with an ex is really hard.

My BIL is currently living with a woman in a similar situation as you describe. She and her ex broke up when their DD was 1 or 2, I can't remember, but they've been divorced since, so she has no real recollection of them together. They have something closer to 50/50 custody than you describe, but a lot of the dynamics are the same. There is a ton of resentment and little petty arguments about the details of the custody arrangement, even now years into it, with both sides sometimes playing these little games to angle for advantages. It feels very messy to me. Their DD is the same age as mine, and I feel bad because I think she's really negatively impacted by how much anger and resentment exists between her parents. In theory she is getting an example of a functional relationship because my BIL and her mom seem to be pretty solid, but I also feel like BIL sometimes joins in her in bashing her ex (sometimes in earshot of their DD, which I think is in very bad taste) so there is some dysfunction there as well.

I try to be empathetic and understanding of everyone and I am sure they have their reasons for the resentment and anger (as well as splitting up -- certainly it doesn't seem like they should be together). But it's hard on kids.

I guess the takeaway is just try really hard not to have kids with someone if there's any chance it can blow up this way. I do think it often speaks to emotional immaturity by both parties to make that choice -- kids need stability and we should all do everything we can to create that stability both before we have kids and then while they are with us. Strong relationships are really important for that.

Stop making this about your feelings. This isn't even your situation so you don't even know everything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, do you really really want 50/50 custody of a teenager? What would your living situation be like? How would it work logistically, with your kids too-- not just now but as they grow older and have more complicated schedules. Do you want to divide your parenting attention in this way? Do you feel you can be patient and loving despite a lot more contact with her mom, and despite having to manage her ADHD and its behavioral and academic implications. An ADHD teen can be a really difficult parenting road. Really think about this. Be careful what you wish for.

OP here. I get it. It won't be easy. But, no one ever said parenting would be easy, and as parents, you have to sacrifice what you want for what's best for the child. If the child is suffering in the current state, DH would do anything to assist. Again, this does not mean take child from mom or put down mom, but work together more efficiently to help the child. Mom just doesn't want to do anything (says all of the right things but doesn't execute).

It sounds like the mom has ADHD and more kids than she can handle, and is in an abusive marriage. I'm sorry that makes your DH sad. That must be really hard for your DH. Do you have a plan other than wishing the mom would change?

There is absolutely nothing OP or her husband can do to fix what is going on in Mom's home. If your child isn't thriving and not living with you and there is nothing you can do about it, of course you'd be upset.

Well yes, but the OP started with the DH being sad that he didn't get his daughter for a week. Not that there's anything wrong with being sad about that. But "I'm sad that my daughter is being inadequately parented and lives in a toxic household and doesn't get time with me" is different from "I didn't get my week and I am sad". See how one is focused on the DH's feelings and one is focused on the actual underlying problem?

Why are you creating drama over nothing? OP is upset over both issues with good reason.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She's never going to allow more. The only way is to take it back to court but even if he does, she'll still play games. This is visitation, not co-parenting. He's a human atm. That's all the courts care about is if he pays his child support.

OP here. I suppose I just can't understand why she wouldn't allow more time. She and DH talk about the issues DD is having in school, with friendships, etc. She is having a very hard time and bio mom has admitted several times "I just don't know what to do". DH has told her, call me when xyz happens, etc., but she just doesn't. It's almost like she is so used to doing it all (by her own choice) that she doesn't think to involve him. She always says "I know you're busy" or "sorry to bother you" and DH is like...it's never a bother! I really don't want to believe that bio mom has bad intentions...like I said, they went from essentially hating each other and not speaking unless via text in a very formal manner to literally coming to events at each other's houses, etc. I just can't understand it.

According to your story, he walked out on her while she was pregnant. Of course she’s used to doing it on her own. He‘s only ever going to regain trust over a long period of time because I promise you she has a version of this story as well, and it’s not the same as what your husband told you. I’m not saying that version is the truth, or that your husband is lying, but there are two sides to each story.