What’s a parenting choice you just cannot understand

[Anonymous]

Giving smartphones to elementary school kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Having more than 2 children.

I'm a middle child and can say that there is not enough emotional love and support to go around. Why do this?

Fellow middle child and yes. There was a recent thread posted by someone pregnant with their third and overwhelmed, and I remember one of the responses was like "time to accept that you will not be giving your children individualized parenting and treat them as a group." I think it's weird in 2023 to do this because so many of your kid's peers are going to get individualized parenting and your kids are going to notice that they don't.

[Anonymous]

Cosleeping. It’s not safe when babies are small and when they’re older it always sounds like no one sleeps well. I get the occasional night if a kid is sick or freaked out about being in a new place or something, but I don’t get it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Constantly giving commands. Kids check out and more commands are needed to get them to to what the parent tells them to do. It's exhausting to watch and listen.

So, what do you do when your child refuses to do something or doesn't?

Count to 3 calmly and parent by consequences. Example is my 6 yo wanted to walk in the street today despite being told multiple times is not safe. After about 3 warnings I said "ok, when I get to 3 you lose your screen time for the rest of the day". Normally the threat is enough, but today is wasn't, so she lost the iPad. Now we're probably good on the 1-2-3 method for a couple months. It will work like a charm, and I will have to implement consequences again when they forget that I'm strict.

For something like that, my move is to get down on their level and explain clearly, in a couple short sentences at most, WHY I need them to listen. So it's "If you walk into the street and a car hits you, you will die. Don't die." Some people might think I'm scaring my kid but I want my kid to be scare of oncoming traffic, and I find this a lot more effective than saying "Come here" or "Don't stand there" 600x.

[Anonymous]

Not allowing outside consequences for poor choices. Telling your kid they don't have to do diversion when they get caught with drugs in school, for example, because it's a waste of the kid's time.

[Anonymous]

I don't understand women who don't prioritize their own birth experience. I don't think that birth is proportionally more important than various other parts of parenting, but I do think that the experience of being the one giving birth, rather than the one being born, is significant. I don't think it's irresponsible or selfish to treat it as being a significant experience, and it makes sense to try to prepare for the experience you want. The amount of derision for the birthing choices of others - even coming in with a birth plan gets completely mocked on this forum because people get latched onto the word "plan" and start going off about how you can't plan things and should just be grateful for whatever medical stuff happens to you.

I say this as a person who had very medicalized births, particularly the second time. It was absolutely possible within the context of a multi-day induction to still feel like my needs mattered and were being taken into consideration during the process. But the second you say anything on this forum about wanting to make care choices that are related to your experience as the birthing person, you are a monster.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Constantly giving commands. Kids check out and more commands are needed to get them to to what the parent tells them to do. It's exhausting to watch and listen.

So, what do you do when your child refuses to do something or doesn't?

Count to 3 calmly and parent by consequences. Example is my 6 yo wanted to walk in the street today despite being told multiple times is not safe. After about 3 warnings I said "ok, when I get to 3 you lose your screen time for the rest of the day". Normally the threat is enough, but today is wasn't, so she lost the iPad. Now we're probably good on the 1-2-3 method for a couple months. It will work like a charm, and I will have to implement consequences again when they forget that I'm strict.

For something like that, my move is to get down on their level and explain clearly, in a couple short sentences at most, WHY I need them to listen. So it's "If you walk into the street and a car hits you, you will die. Don't die." Some people might think I'm scaring my kid but I want my kid to be scare of oncoming traffic, and I find this a lot more effective than saying "Come here" or "Don't stand there" 600x.

Dumb. Small children have no concept of the permanent nature of death.

[Anonymous]

For the most part, I think every parent does the best they can. I don't believe anyone wakes up and thinks, "how can I screw up my child today." (NOT referring t9 abusive situations - those are heinous and there is NO EXCUSE. )

That being said, choosing to serve your underage child's underage friends alcohol, is one of those no excuses things to me. How dare you

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand women who don't prioritize their own birth experience. I don't think that birth is proportionally more important than various other parts of parenting, but I do think that the experience of being the one giving birth, rather than the one being born, is significant. I don't think it's irresponsible or selfish to treat it as being a significant experience, and it makes sense to try to prepare for the experience you want. The amount of derision for the birthing choices of others - even coming in with a birth plan gets completely mocked on this forum because people get latched onto the word "plan" and start going off about how you can't plan things and should just be grateful for whatever medical stuff happens to you.

I say this as a person who had very medicalized births, particularly the second time. It was absolutely possible within the context of a multi-day induction to still feel like my needs mattered and were being taken into consideration during the process. But the second you say anything on this forum about wanting to make care choices that are related to your experience as the birthing person, you are a monster.

This. No one would ever approach any other elective medical procedure with the attitude “if I am not dead it is a success”. That is a floor we have been conned into believing is a ceiling, and it’s a horrifyingly low bar for medicine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Having more than 2 children.

I'm a middle child and can say that there is not enough emotional love and support to go around. Why do this?

Just because *your parents* didn’t provide these things doesn’t mean no one does.

However, I do think that in very large (5/6+ kids) families, there is a preponderance of neglect and parentification of the older kids. I think it is almost inevitable.

[Anonymous]

This is perhaps a little niche but I don’t understand parents who don’t teach their children to swim starting in infancy. All the baby and me music is nice and you don’t get your hair wet but swimming is life or death…

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have empathy for people who do this but: having more than two kids and then being overwhelmed by it.

Not talking about the many people who have 3 or more kids and love it -- good for them. And anyone with multiples, I get that's not really a choice they made.

But I've encountered people who had 3 kids on purpose and then complain constantly about how much work it is, how they are running out of space in their house, how vacations are hard, how the life phases of their kids line up in horrible ways, how much college will cost, etc. I'm like... how is this a surprise?

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Constantly giving commands. Kids check out and more commands are needed to get them to to what the parent tells them to do. It's exhausting to watch and listen.

So, what do you do when your child refuses to do something or doesn't?

Count to 3 calmly and parent by consequences. Example is my 6 yo wanted to walk in the street today despite being told multiple times is not safe. After about 3 warnings I said "ok, when I get to 3 you lose your screen time for the rest of the day". Normally the threat is enough, but today is wasn't, so she lost the iPad. Now we're probably good on the 1-2-3 method for a couple months. It will work like a charm, and I will have to implement consequences again when they forget that I'm strict.

For something like that, my move is to get down on their level and explain clearly, in a couple short sentences at most, WHY I need them to listen. So it's "If you walk into the street and a car hits you, you will die. Don't die." Some people might think I'm scaring my kid but I want my kid to be scare of oncoming traffic, and I find this a lot more effective than saying "Come here" or "Don't stand there" 600x.

Dumb. Small children have no concept of the permanent nature of death.

The PP's child is 6. A 6 yo can understand the permanent nature of death, and more importantly, a 6yo will understand the grave nature of the situation based on their parent's voice and expression, thus the importance of getting down on their level and lookin at them as you say it. As opposed to just calling over to them a bunch of times saying words they can't focus on because they are distracted by the 8000 other things going on.

[Anonymous]

My first answer was sleep, just like OP said. My second feels more judgy and just a consequence of my current situation as a volunteer- seeker at my kids’ schools. I don’t understand checking out of your kid’s school situation. The number of parents that don’t contribute, don't volunteer, don’t respond to easy-to-fulfill requests, etc. it’s fascinating. I get that some people are just buried and have to let things go. But I’m certain there are non-responsive parents that have the time but don’t care.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand women who don't prioritize their own birth experience. I don't think that birth is proportionally more important than various other parts of parenting, but I do think that the experience of being the one giving birth, rather than the one being born, is significant. I don't think it's irresponsible or selfish to treat it as being a significant experience, and it makes sense to try to prepare for the experience you want. The amount of derision for the birthing choices of others - even coming in with a birth plan gets completely mocked on this forum because people get latched onto the word "plan" and start going off about how you can't plan things and should just be grateful for whatever medical stuff happens to you.

I say this as a person who had very medicalized births, particularly the second time. It was absolutely possible within the context of a multi-day induction to still feel like my needs mattered and were being taken into consideration during the process. But the second you say anything on this forum about wanting to make care choices that are related to your experience as the birthing person, you are a monster.

I don't disagree with you BUT I don't understand judging women for this because it's so obviously women just accepting what they are offered by a system that has been trying to take away their agency in childbirth for long before any of us was born. I hear frustrating attitudes about birth but I categorize most of them as internalized misogyny and not something I judge individuals for.