Parents of adult children-WHY don't you call your kids?

[Anonymous]

My parents are the same way, OP, and my MIL also. With my MIL it's absolutely a belief that it is on my DH and is brother 100% to maintain that relationship. She views herself as the recipient of their love, affection, and support. It does not flow the other way.

With my parents it's that my dad is just in his own world, he never thinks of others. Not only does he not call but he will complain if I don't call enough. I'll hear from my mom or siblings that he was hurt I hadn't called in a few weeks. Again, he's never called me. Like not even for my birthday or when my daughter was born. But he gets upset if I don't call him on the Fourth of July. He's just a narcissist.

My mom has anxiety and will not call but then the minute I call she'll tell me that she's been thinking about me and wanting to call but had xyz reasons not to. She's always afraid if she calls me she'll interrupt me. I've explained many times that if I'm busy I just won't answer and she can leave a message. She still doesn't call.

Yes, it is lonely and hurtful. I have vowed never to do this to my kid, and to always keep up my end of our relationship. I go to therapy and work on myself so I don't get to the point where I can't just maintain a healthy adult relationship with someone I love.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Adult here, my mom nor my husbands parent's never call us. We feel alone. We don't have children ourselves. We do both come from sick alcoholic families is this it? We are good "kids" are always there to HELP. They only call when they need something and never just to say HI or ask how we are doing. WHY? Parents who don't call why?

Yes it's the "sick alcoholic families"--the way it was explained to me is alcoholics are narcissistic.
My DH's mom was a non-functioning alcoholic (sleeping or watching TV all day for many years) and his father was a functioning alcoholic. She never called (my own mom would remind her when it was her son's birthday coming up...crazy) and the dad only calls when needs something. But he is charming and I can't help but like him, even though my intellect is just like, WTF this guy I should hate him.

[Anonymous]

My mom is the same way. She says it's because she doesn't know when we're busy but then she complains that her mom never calls her.... I was pretty sick with Covid over the summer and didn't call her for over two weeks because I was tired and felt like crap. It's like she didn't even notice, not even a text asking if I was okay.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mom is like this. She says it's because "she doesn't know when we're busy" but she's much, much less likely to pick up because she just can't sit still and is constantly jumping in the car for errands. It does hurt my feelings a little but people can only give what they have to give, and I think worrying about connecting with us is not high on my mom's radar right now, compared to older relatives with health issues.

My mom says that too. I feel like it's total bs honestly since I've told her "if you don't call it's like you don't love me," many times. She continues to not call me. And I have since stopped calling her and we no longer speak at all. I'm just sick of all the games she plays. I'm getting too old for the nonsense.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I talk (both text and phone calls) to both my young adult sons frequently.

do you call or do they call?

Both. My DH texts with them independently too.

[Anonymous]

My dad is like this. No idea why. But, I bought him an iPad and we have started playing WordFeud (knock-off Scrabble) online and now we chat through the app. Maybe try to find some other way to connect?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Adult here, my mom nor my husbands parent's never call us. We feel alone. We don't have children ourselves. We do both come from sick alcoholic families is this it? We are good "kids" are always there to HELP. They only call when they need something and never just to say HI or ask how we are doing. WHY? Parents who don't call why?

My parents don't call because they know our schedule is always changing and they don't know when it would be best to call. They're right, tbh, so we just make it a point to call them. I guess why this works best is that we know they will almost always pick up whenever we call. If it were a case where they also have a busy schedule and we're always playing phone tag, it wouldn't work out as well.

[Anonymous]

My parents don't call, over time our relationship has completely deteriorated. My mom is a complete narcissist and doesn't have a genuine, sincere bone in her body. She is even awful to my kids now on the few times she sees them. As someone above said, I am just old for the nonsense. Life is just too short.

[Anonymous]

Same. Narcissist mother. Never ever calls.

She’s now very old and we speak maybe once a year. Over it and her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My parents don't call, over time our relationship has completely deteriorated. My mom is a complete narcissist and doesn't have a genuine, sincere bone in her body. She is even awful to my kids now on the few times she sees them. As someone above said, I am just old for the nonsense. Life is just too short.

I could have wrote this. My mom is a complete narcissist as well and as I age I see she doesn't have one honest, sincere in her body too. I'm taken a back at how different we are. We literally have nothing in common. I'm an empath. I don't think they worry about living a lonely existence, not have any emotional or real relationships since they are so wrapped up in themselves. I go from anger to just feeling sad for her back to anger. But life is too short time to get off that merry-go round.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DIL is a very jealous person and a know it all. I avoid her. She talks baby talk. Adults don't go potty.

We're lucky. They live in another state so I don't see them.

My husband texts with her and our son so that is as good as it gets. I do share very limited emails with our son. She reads every single one. He's not allowed to have an email account she doesn't have access to. Their marriage not mine. I really dislike drama and she thrives on it. Waste of time. This is the second domineering wife our son has had.
I don't hear from them for months at a time until they need money then it's all lovey dovey. FAKE. I need to cut ties with them. Both are very disrespectful.
I keep in touch with my younger sister instead. She's like my child. We are 11 years apart. Our parents died long ago. I feel more connected to her.

Wow, how interesting that you and your husband raised a son who has had not one but two domineering wives. What did you do to him growing up, poor thing?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Adult here, my mom nor my husbands parent's never call us. We feel alone. We don't have children ourselves. We do both come from sick alcoholic families is this it? We are good "kids" are always there to HELP. They only call when they need something and never just to say HI or ask how we are doing. WHY? Parents who don't call why?

My parents don't call because they know our schedule is always changing and they don't know when it would be best to call. They're right, tbh, so we just make it a point to call them. I guess why this works best is that we know they will almost always pick up whenever we call. If it were a case where they also have a busy schedule and we're always playing phone tag, it wouldn't work out as well.

The whole "I don't call because I don't know when you are busy" is total BS that is what voice mails or for also you can see the missed call. These are lame excuses by absent/narcissistic parents to make themselves feel better for being such a crappy parent. I resent all the time and engery I've put into these fake relationships. We are good people and if they can't make the time to call us it's their loss not ours. Time should be spent on more reciprocal relationships not 1/2 relationships or one-sided ones. No thanks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mom is the same way. She says it's because she doesn't know when we're busy but then she complains that her mom never calls her.... I was pretty sick with Covid over the summer and didn't call her for over two weeks because I was tired and felt like crap. It's like she didn't even notice, not even a text asking if I was okay.

Husbands parents didn't call Christmas, no card nothing he was very sick with covid on christmas but he stilled called them a few days later, they could care less he had covid and never called back or even texted to see if he got better or anything. I'm so mad, hurt, angry and disgusted with them. I won't ever lift a finger for them again, ever. That was the final nail in the coffin so to speak for me.

[Anonymous]

*still

[Anonymous]

My father calls regularly. My mother doesn’t but it’s because she is socially awkward and hates the phone. But we do see her regularly. With our adult kids there is a back and forth and regular group texts. I don’t really think about who is calling who. I speak to DD at least 1-2x a week. DS less often but we see him in person more frequently than DD (she lives far away).