How to deal with angry FIL

[Anonymous]

This sounds silly. He's a devils advocate. About weather and stupid sh--. Ok. Can you make it a drinking game? You might need low proof beer to make it through a day - Amstel Light? Every time he disagrees take a swig

[Anonymous]

And try saying you love something he can't possibly say he hates. You love his wife's shirt? See if he will do it. Ha! Walk him into funny predicaments saying he hates something he shouldn't. Or say you hate something gross, to get him to profess he loves it. I'd make a list before he comes. Tick it off as you play along.

[Anonymous]

or can you make is Disagree Tic Tac Toe? Make a board of funny professions you get him to make in 1 day, try to get 3 in a row

[Anonymous]

I would not put up with this. I would take the kids and leave every time he snaps at me and see them way less. Maybe he will learn his lesson or not… it’s his loss. He may actually respect you more if you develop some backbone.

[Anonymous]

I love the “make it a game” ideas because they take the emotional response out of the interactions.

I still think you have a DH problem though. He needs to run interference.

[Anonymous]

You say you deflect and don’t engage. Clearly it isn’t working. He hasn’t gotten a message. Next time when he is rude and kids aren’t around, push back. Firmly but calmly. Name his actions, how what he says is rude, etc. Avoid generalizing and personal criticism, describe his action as it is. And say that your kids have to see mutual respect in the family, and what he is doing is teaching them to be disrespectful to their mother.

[Anonymous]

"Well, that was rude, Tom. I'm going into the other room for a bit so you can calm down."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would not allow my children to watch someone disrespect me without me defending myself. They are learning how to handle it when someone disrespects them, from watching me. So I wouldn't care if he's nice to them if he's mean to me. He has to be nice to me too. "Not coping well with aging and/or retiring" is NOT anywhere near an excuse for being mean to anyone.

I completely agree

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would not allow my children to watch someone disrespect me without me defending myself. They are learning how to handle it when someone disrespects them, from watching me. So I wouldn't care if he's nice to them if he's mean to me. He has to be nice to me too. "Not coping well with aging and/or retiring" is NOT anywhere near an excuse for being mean to anyone.

This needs to be said again. Kids are very perceptive and this does not go unnoticed. He's essentially bullying you and you're kids are watching you get bullied and I assure you this is not good/healthy for them to watch.

You need to end this one way or another - it's clear you current approach isn't working. Unfortunately, this may be the type of person that you need to step up and confront and go toe to toe with and it seems like that might not be something you are capable of.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:FIL openly despises me and contradicts anything I say no matter the topic. Like if I say the weather is nice, he'll start ranting that it's terrible. And that's the least of it. Other people have commented on the dynamic so this is not just in my head. When he attempts to antagonize me (not an exaggeration), I always change the topic or ignore him and never engage but this doesn't seem to discourage him. MIL is apologetic about how he acts.

Both MIL and FIL are nice to my kids and they live nearby so we see them frequently. I want the kids to have a good relationship with them but how he talks to me in front of them makes me paranoid about what he might say about me or my family or to my kids when I'm not there. Any advice? I hate conflict.

You are harming your children by continuing this. What lesson are you teaching them? And is this how you want them act if someone verbally abusive comes into their lives.

[Anonymous]

Echoing the people who are saying that for the sake of your kids, you need to show that disagreement is fine but being an aggressive douchebag is not.

I'd talk to your kids about it when you're not visiting. "It really bothers me that Pop-Pop is so hostile to me. I don't know why we can't just stay on neutral topics, but when he does that, it makes me want to leave the house."

Maybe they'll say they love him and they like visiting. But maybe they'll agree with you, in which case you can start making plans to spend less time with him, either because you all keep leaving or because you stop going on the family visits.

[Anonymous]

OP, it's unacceptable but he has no reason to change. You, your DH, and MIL all just stand there taking it. The kids are watching.

You need to have a serious talk with your DH. FIL is not allowed around you and the kids as long as he acts this way.

MIL can get behind you with your DH or she can be left out as well.

[Anonymous]

You really need to revisit what you think family harmony looks like. You are never, ever going to get that from your FIL.

You also need to get on the same page with your husband about how to handle it. I don’t know that you need to cut this guy off, but I also would not see this guy that often.

Your kids are learning how to interact with the world from these types of interactions. Women putting up with this nonsense isn’t a great model.

[Anonymous]

All the drinking games and bingos are silly, imho. Taking kids and rushing out every time FIL says something sounds exhausting.

I like civil and direct approach. I would ask FIL to come talk to me in a separate room and say “Hey, Bill, I noticed that every time I say something you disagree/put me down/say rude things… Have you noticed that? I’d like to ask you to be nice and civil to me. I hope you will make an effort. Thanks for listening.

I would have my husband have a similar follow up discussion with him.

If he does not change, I would calmly and nicely (no whining or crying) explain to FIL, MIl and husband all at the same time that you feel the FIL has been rude, and you’d like to be treated respectfully, like he would an important client

If that does not help, I would minimize contact. Life is too short for this BS.

[Anonymous]

This is actually a DH problem.

I wouldn't go near him at all. DH can handle it and needs to grow some balls. You don't need to explain anything to FIL or MIL or DH. If your DH and MIL put up with it that is their choice but you can choose not to be around it.