How to deal with angry FIL

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:All the drinking games and bingos are silly, imho. Taking kids and rushing out every time FIL says something sounds exhausting.

I like civil and direct approach. I would ask FIL to come talk to me in a separate room and say “Hey, Bill, I noticed that every time I say something you disagree/put me down/say rude things… Have you noticed that? I’d like to ask you to be nice and civil to me. I hope you will make an effort. Thanks for listening.

I would have my husband have a similar follow up discussion with him.

If he does not change, I would calmly and nicely (no whining or crying) explain to FIL, MIl and husband all at the same time that you feel the FIL has been rude, and you’d like to be treated respectfully, like he would an important client

If that does not help, I would minimize contact. Life is too short for this BS.

File this under "DCUM scripts I would never use"

I don't know why you're telling OP "no whining or crying." OP doesn't strike me as a whiner.

[Anonymous]

“That’s so random it feels like you’re trying to get into an argument. What’s going on?”
“You seem angry. Are you ok?”
“Are you feeling ok? When was the last time you had a checkup?”

[Anonymous]

You don't have to see them frequently. Have your husband arrange. Btw, "what I want ... is ..." is unimportant. It's unimportant what you *wish* reality was.

[Anonymous]

Ask your DH to manage it via his mom. Your FIL will not listen to you.

[Anonymous]

I had a somewhat similar situation as you and I'll share how it unfolded for me. When FIL had his first major tirade aimed at me, DH didn't speak up. I lost a lot of respect for DH that day, some of what I have yet to regain years later. My MIL knows how unreasonable FIL can be sometimes, but goes along because she doesn't want to become his target, either. MIL enables his behavior and the times I tried to talk to her for help were futile.

After many years of marriage, I stopped going to their home. They were welcome to visit us at our home because FIL was better behaved under our roof. He contained his ranting to their bedroom, out of earshot. After some very helpful therapy, DH started stepping up for me. He's really the only person who is in a position to say anything to your FIL. FIL won't listen to your MIL.

I still limit my contact with my ILs and it's worked out fine. DH takes the kids to see them and the ILs don't say negative things about me to the kids. If they did, those visits would stop, too. I don't think my ILs care if I visit them. As long as DH and the kids do, they're good. This works best for everyone.

Your DH needs to man up and protect you. If I didn't experience what you are going through, my reaction might be "I can't believe he would sit there and let his dad speak to you like that!". Unfortunately, it happens more than people think.

Good luck, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I had a somewhat similar situation as you and I'll share how it unfolded for me. When FIL had his first major tirade aimed at me, DH didn't speak up. I lost a lot of respect for DH that day, some of what I have yet to regain years later. My MIL knows how unreasonable FIL can be sometimes, but goes along because she doesn't want to become his target, either. MIL enables his behavior and the times I tried to talk to her for help were futile.

After many years of marriage, I stopped going to their home. They were welcome to visit us at our home because FIL was better behaved under our roof. He contained his ranting to their bedroom, out of earshot. After some very helpful therapy, DH started stepping up for me. He's really the only person who is in a position to say anything to your FIL. FIL won't listen to your MIL.

I still limit my contact with my ILs and it's worked out fine. DH takes the kids to see them and the ILs don't say negative things about me to the kids. If they did, those visits would stop, too. I don't think my ILs care if I visit them. As long as DH and the kids do, they're good. This works best for everyone.

Your DH needs to man up and protect you. If I didn't experience what you are going through, my reaction might be "I can't believe he would sit there and let his dad speak to you like that!". Unfortunately, it happens more than people think.

Good luck, OP.

PP here again. I forgot to mention that any time DH or I tried to speak to FIL and MIL about their behavior, it went poorly. They hated confrontation of any type. Their response would be the silent treatment. If I had to do it over again, I wouldn't bother trying to speak to them first and just go straight to stopping my visits to their house. It would have saved us a lot of unhappiness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ask your DH to manage it via his mom. Your FIL will not listen to you.

+1 Also, as people get older OP, they tend to lose their filters, not gain them, so don't expect FIL to change much.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:All the drinking games and bingos are silly, imho. Taking kids and rushing out every time FIL says something sounds exhausting.

I like civil and direct approach. I would ask FIL to come talk to me in a separate room and say “Hey, Bill, I noticed that every time I say something you disagree/put me down/say rude things… Have you noticed that? I’d like to ask you to be nice and civil to me. I hope you will make an effort. Thanks for listening.

I would have my husband have a similar follow up discussion with him.

If he does not change, I would calmly and nicely (no whining or crying) explain to FIL, MIl and husband all at the same time that you feel the FIL has been rude, and you’d like to be treated respectfully, like he would an important client

If that does not help, I would minimize contact. Life is too short for this BS.

File this under "DCUM scripts I would never use"

I don't know why you're telling OP "no whining or crying." OP doesn't strike me as a whiner.

This is a good script. You'd be surprised how speaking to someone directly can change that person's outward attitude to you.

Nobody called the OP a whiner.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't leave the kids alone with them and literally would barely speak to them. This is a DH problem- and he's making it your problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does he just disagree with you a lot or is he rude and antagonistic? If he just disagrees, ignore it. He’s allowed to disagree; he’s allowed not to like you. If he’s rude to you, rethink the relationship - Why would you want the kids to have a good relationship with someone who is disrespectful to you?

What does your husband say/think about it?

He is openly rude, unfortunately, and will bring up things he knows we disagree on like he's trying to pick a fight even though I never engage when he does this.

Husband is also apologetic about it and thinks FIL is not reacting well to aging and retiring from a high status career and he has had a lot of health problems and so he's just kind of angry at the world. Husband is not sure why I've become the target of his grumpiness though. FIL also thinks I'm too nice to another member of my husband's family that my FIL hates and maybe that's why he dislikes me, because I'm on good terms with this other person. But that's really petty, IMO. The main reason I want my kids to have a good relationship with them is because I think it's nice for kids to know their grandparents and I value family harmony. I'm increasingly stressed out about the relationship.

You have a husband problem. He needs to shut his father down, every time. If FIL persists more than once, you leave, every time.

If he’s going to behave like a tantruming toddler, you’re going to treat him like one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would not allow my children to watch someone disrespect me without me defending myself. They are learning how to handle it when someone disrespects them, from watching me. So I wouldn't care if he's nice to them if he's mean to me. He has to be nice to me too. "Not coping well with aging and/or retiring" is NOT anywhere near an excuse for being mean to anyone.

NP. This post is something to heed, OP, for BOTH you and your DH.

Talk to DH about what this PP is pointing out: If you and DH keep allowing FIL to do this to you, the kids eventually will pick up on it and you and DH are allowing them to witness a terrible example. If your kids are young now, and you and DH (do you get it? I keep saying: You AND DH!) may think, "Oh, they're so young, they don't notice it." But that's why the time to end this is sooner, not later. Please do not let your belief in "kids should have a relationship with grandparents" make you endure this, because your kids will grow up thinking there's something normal about mom letting granddad behave like this toward her.

So for your kids' sake if not your own, your DH and you need to get this sorted, now. I wonder if your DH truly understands how much this wounds and angers and undermines you. You said he knows, but I think maybe you need a serious talk alone with DH, and don't do it right after FIL has been a jerk to you, but have that talk at a calm time with no kids around. DH and you should script out what he (his dad, his to handle!) will say the next time it happens and what you will say if it happens when DH is not around. And then you and DH have very consistent responses every time. I would absolutely want DH to tell dad point blank, "This is part of a pattern that has gone on for years. We have more than noticed it, it has become your regular interaction with DW. And it needs to stop or we will have to reduce our visits her and yours to us. If you cannot see and hear what you're doing, and cannot acknowledge that you do it ONLY toward DW, that's your issue and not ours." Yes, DH will have to threaten (and then follow through on!) reduced visits.

MIL knows but maybe she is scared of FIL turning his ire onto her. Still, she should speak up. I do not want to advocate taking HER visits away because of FIL but DH needs to tell his mom separately, without FIL around, that this is now likely to happen if FIL continues. MIL should be told that you and DH do not want the kids being part of the larger family if that means watching their mother belittled and insulted repeatedly.

It's the slow drip, drip, drip of contempt and constant "opinions" -- really, veiled hatred -- that FIL will try to claim is "Just my personal opinion and she can't handle it! She's too sensitive, she hates ME" blah blah. Be prepared for that, OP! And your DH has to be prepared for it and not blindsided by that kind of "It's just my opinion, I have a right to my opinion" tactic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ask your DH to manage it via his mom. Your FIL will not listen to you.

Leave the mom out of it. She probably suffers too and it is not her responsiblity. Do you think he has beginning stages of dementia? My FIL went through a rude phase and we think it was due to the dementia.

[Anonymous]

Chiming in with the others that his antoganozing/demeaning you in front of the kids is unacceptable and must end. It's one thing to disagree with someone, it's completely different to engage in the behaviors he's displaying. Model the behavior you want your kids to have - do you want them to think they have to 'take it' just because it's 'family' doing it?

As an aside, my DH's uncle began treating me in a similar manner a few year after we got married. Turns out, it was early stage dementia. For some reason, I became his target.

[Anonymous]

To put it plainly, your husband sucks. He’s a passive, beta male.

The good news is that you can call the shots with him, you should refuse to be around or have your kids around your FIL.

There’s no “family harmony” to be had here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:To put it plainly, your husband sucks. He’s a passive, beta male.

The good news is that you can call the shots with him, you should refuse to be around or have your kids around your FIL.

There’s no “family harmony” to be had here.

Would you stop with the 'beta' crap? That's INCEL BS.