How to deal with angry FIL
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Anonymous
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FIL openly despises me and contradicts anything I say no matter the topic. Like if I say the weather is nice, he'll start ranting that it's terrible. And that's the least of it. Other people have commented on the dynamic so this is not just in my head. When he attempts to antagonize me (not an exaggeration), I always change the topic or ignore him and never engage but this doesn't seem to discourage him. MIL is apologetic about how he acts.
Both MIL and FIL are nice to my kids and they live nearby so we see them frequently. I want the kids to have a good relationship with them but how he talks to me in front of them makes me paranoid about what he might say about me or my family or to my kids when I'm not there. Any advice? I hate conflict. |
Anonymous
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Does he just disagree with you a lot or is he rude and antagonistic? If he just disagrees, ignore it. He’s allowed to disagree; he’s allowed not to like you. If he’s rude to you, rethink the relationship - Why would you want the kids to have a good relationship with someone who is disrespectful to you?
What does your husband say/think about it? |
Anonymous
| I'd facilitate his relationship with his grandchildren and ditch the rest. I think I'd limit my time with him only to when my spouse was present and ask spouse to stand up for me. |
Anonymous
He is openly rude, unfortunately, and will bring up things he knows we disagree on like he's trying to pick a fight even though I never engage when he does this. Husband is also apologetic about it and thinks FIL is not reacting well to aging and retiring from a high status career and he has had a lot of health problems and so he's just kind of angry at the world. Husband is not sure why I've become the target of his grumpiness though. FIL also thinks I'm too nice to another member of my husband's family that my FIL hates and maybe that's why he dislikes me, because I'm on good terms with this other person. But that's really petty, IMO. The main reason I want my kids to have a good relationship with them is because I think it's nice for kids to know their grandparents and I value family harmony. I'm increasingly stressed out about the relationship. |
Anonymous
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Can you give examples? Is it politics?
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Anonymous
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Your DH needs to step in EVERY SINGLE time he does this. ”Dad, that was rude” and then you all need to leave if it continues. Don’t let DH (and MIL) tel you behind closed doors they are sorry while they watch this grown arse man abuse you verbally to your face.
No family harmony is worth this and both in laws would be cut off until he learns how to be a big boy and filter his words. |
Anonymous
You will probably cut him off eventually. Probably because he one day starts belittle one of the kids as they gets older or because of something unforgivable that he says. And then the kids will suffer because you didn't address this now. But if you and DH are not capable of doing this (doesn't sound like it), what are you going to do? But seriously, your DH just sits there and hears all this? He has got some major issues. |
Anonymous
This is not going to end well. |
Anonymous
| Well first off I'd never leave my kids there without me. |
Anonymous
I would stop speaking. Sorry..no voice! Or actively leave if he is rude to you. ( if you can) |
Anonymous
This is right. Though with men like this who've never been told no or been in a situation where they don't hold the relational power, the conversation will likely NOT GO WELL. Regardless, it is still extremely important for your kids to see your husband stand up to his dad and back you up. Best case scenario, your FIL will learn that it's not worth it to be a jerk. Worst case, he will react poorly and you will decide you limit your time with him. (Perhaps he'll be like my FIL, who leaves the room in a snit and dramatically stops speaking to anyone who confronts him about his bad behavior.) |
Anonymous
| When he does it, I would plaster on a big smile and say, “Hey Tom, the world is round!” Or “Hey Tom, the pope is Catholic!” And then giggle. |
Anonymous
It's literally everything, even the most bland and non-controversial comments set him off, but he does also bring up political issues including the issues he knows I work on as part of my career (I work in advocacy/policy) and he vocally belittles the views he knows I hold. These are pretty obscure issues too, not hot button culture war issues or issues like crime that one expects to come up in conversation. Just as an analogy, if my job were, say, advocating to protect sea turtles of a specific species, and he started ranting that those particular sea turtles are worthless, there's no way that could just be a random comment, it's clearly targeted at me. He is very right wing but that's not the core issue, I respect everyone's right to their views and can normally get along with people across the political spectrum. When he brings up politics I feel like he's trying to bait me based on a preexisting dislike of me that is much deeper. That said, politics may be part of his issue with me. |
Anonymous
| I would not allow my children to watch someone disrespect me without me defending myself. They are learning how to handle it when someone disrespects them, from watching me. So I wouldn't care if he's nice to them if he's mean to me. He has to be nice to me too. "Not coping well with aging and/or retiring" is NOT anywhere near an excuse for being mean to anyone. |
Anonymous
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It’s gross but he is attracted to you imo
Hope this helps you dealing with him I am sorry, I know it’s gross |