Should I force my 22 y.o. son to care about his appearance for work?

[Anonymous]

Have a nice heart to heart but be frank. Tell him if he needs to put more effort into his hygiene if he wants to succeed in life and keep this job. Take him to get a makeover...maybe try to make it fun. Haircut, lunch, shopping. He needs direction, guidance, encouragement and some positive energy.

[Anonymous]

Everyone struggles with something. For your son, it's laziness. For others, it's cruelty. Just work on it with him.

[Anonymous]

Poor hygiene is not the problem, it is a symptom of a larger issue. I would focus more on identifying the issue(s) and supporting him with that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My son will be 23 in June and has had multiple launching failures since graduating high school in 2019. He is pleasant, well-mannered, and well-spoken but tends toward laziness and has a pattern of lying. He struggled terribly in school. After high school, he enlisted in the military but dropped out four weeks into boot camp, flunked college, and lost a job last summer with no explanation. Last week, he got a new job with decent pay ($ 17 per hour, full-time). However, he rolls out of bed and gets dressed but is oblivious to his appearance-- hair unkept, raggedy shoes, needs to shave, etc.

I have offered to pay for appearance improvement (haircut, new shoes, etc.) under the condition that he pays me back from his first check. Still, he seems mostly disinterested and oblivious to his appearance, which is why I believe he was let go from his last job.

Since my goal is for him to move out, and another layoff would delay that, should I require him to maintain his appearance, or is that too controlling?

Your last paragraph says it all. Your goal is for him to move out. He's happy living off if you. He's 23 so give him a deadline to move out.

[Anonymous]

You can’t force him but you can articulate the concerns that others do judge and - right or wrong - there are consequences. I remember telling my girls that two young women can ask to babysit - one with outlandish style, tattoos, and piercings while the other looked traditional. Sure the eclectic kid could be equally if not better suited, but the initial impression is the sensible kid is more trustworthy. It’s the way human nature works. If your kid projects an image of sloppy indifference, he needs to be ready for the perceptions that gives off.

Make him aware of your expectations and help him come up with a plan. He may have no concept of what it will take to move out and what steps he needs to take control of for that to happen. Make sure he understands what if any safety net you’ll provide if he can’t hold a job.

[Anonymous]

You get out what you put in. Good parenting is hard work and time consuming, but, if you take the easy way out, you’ll end up with this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You get out what you put in. Good parenting is hard work and time consuming, but, if you take the easy way out, you’ll end up with this.

This is not true. And if it is explain how so many children who have come from nothing (e.g., drug addicted parents, poverty etc.) manage to escape and succeed. Should the meth-head mother take credit for her CEO son's success? Looks like another inexperienced parent of a six-month old infant found their way to a thread they weren't invited to .

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You get out what you put in. Good parenting is hard work and time consuming, but, if you take the easy way out, you’ll end up with this.

This is not true. And if it is explain how so many children who have come from nothing (e.g., drug addicted parents, poverty etc.) manage to escape and succeed. Should the meth-head mother take credit for her CEO son's success? Looks like another inexperienced parent of a six-month old infant found their way to a thread they weren't invited to .

Anomalies. It rarely happens.

[Anonymous]

Stop enabling him. He needs to fend for himself. He doesn't change or evolve because he doesn't have to. You always provide a soft landing pad for him. Set a date for him to move out and follow-through. He needs to grow up. Your job in terms of dictating and managing his day-to-day activities is over. Stop doing this.

[Anonymous]

OP if I were you I would just give him first and last month’s rent as a farewell gift and let him sink or swim. It sounds like he’s fully capable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You get out what you put in. Good parenting is hard work and time consuming, but, if you take the easy way out, you’ll end up with this.

This is not true. And if it is explain how so many children who have come from nothing (e.g., drug addicted parents, poverty etc.) manage to escape and succeed. Should the meth-head mother take credit for her CEO son's success? Looks like another inexperienced parent of a six-month old infant found their way to a thread they weren't invited to .

Anomalies. It rarely happens.

Since you have it all figured out and parenting is the cause and cure, check back in when Molly is 18 and not launching so we can blame you. Molly is responsible for Molly. You can lead a Molly to water, but you can't force a Molly to drink.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You get out what you put in. Good parenting is hard work and time consuming, but, if you take the easy way out, you’ll end up with this.

This is not true. And if it is explain how so many children who have come from nothing (e.g., drug addicted parents, poverty etc.) manage to escape and succeed. Should the meth-head mother take credit for her CEO son's success? Looks like another inexperienced parent of a six-month old infant found their way to a thread they weren't invited to .

Anomalies. It rarely happens.

Since you have it all figured out and parenting is the cause and cure, check back in when Molly is 18 and not launching so we can blame you. Molly is responsible for Molly. You can lead a Molly to water, but you can't force a Molly to drink.

Defending lazy parenting is a good look. Well done.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am sorry everyone is piling up on you OP!
I have one of those boys who are a bit oblivious about anything on the world of things - he mostly lives somewhere in the clouds.
I would definitely buy your son new shoes and make an appointment with a good barber/hairdresser and take him there (like, he is really good.. I am going to give you a ride and why don’t you try it?)
My theory is that some people require much more everyday maintenance than others. It’s almost generic. My dad is mostly oblivious to how he looks. His grandchild is going to be the same I am afraid. I do tell him it’s time to shop for new whatever.
I think modern parents are often confused by two conflicting guidance pieces: we should let go and we should be parenting well. It’s hard to find a balance but for some kids it’s towards more control

One of my kids has always been resistant to caring about his looks. I'm just hoping by the age of 45 he isn't living 100% in an athletic shirt and shorts.

[Anonymous]

Once he gets a girlfriend, she might help convince him that basic hygiene is important, as well as being "successful" in life. Unless his appearance and attitude prevent him from finding a girl.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My son will be 23 in June and has had multiple launching failures since graduating high school in 2019. He is pleasant, well-mannered, and well-spoken but tends toward laziness and has a pattern of lying. He struggled terribly in school. After high school, he enlisted in the military but dropped out four weeks into boot camp, flunked college, and lost a job last summer with no explanation. Last week, he got a new job with decent pay ($ 17 per hour, full-time). However, he rolls out of bed and gets dressed but is oblivious to his appearance-- hair unkept, raggedy shoes, needs to shave, etc.

I have offered to pay for appearance improvement (haircut, new shoes, etc.) under the condition that he pays me back from his first check. Still, he seems mostly disinterested and oblivious to his appearance, which is why I believe he was let go from his last job.

Since my goal is for him to move out, and another layoff would delay that, should I require him to maintain his appearance, or is that too controlling?

Just give him a deadline to move out no ifs ands or buts and stick to it. let him figure out how to make it work.