Should I force my 22 y.o. son to care about his appearance for work?

[Anonymous]

My son will be 23 in June and has had multiple launching failures since graduating high school in 2019. He is pleasant, well-mannered, and well-spoken but tends toward laziness and has a pattern of lying. He struggled terribly in school. After high school, he enlisted in the military but dropped out four weeks into boot camp, flunked college, and lost a job last summer with no explanation. Last week, he got a new job with decent pay ($ 17 per hour, full-time). However, he rolls out of bed and gets dressed but is oblivious to his appearance-- hair unkept, raggedy shoes, needs to shave, etc.

I have offered to pay for appearance improvement (haircut, new shoes, etc.) under the condition that he pays me back from his first check. Still, he seems mostly disinterested and oblivious to his appearance, which is why I believe he was let go from his last job.

Since my goal is for him to move out, and another layoff would delay that, should I require him to maintain his appearance, or is that too controlling?

[Anonymous]

From your tone this is not your kids issue.

Sounds like you failed.

Give the kid money for a hair cut if they want it. Why in the world would you make them pay you back? What's wrong with you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:From your tone this is not your kids issue.

Sounds like you failed.

Give the kid money for a hair cut if they want it. Why in the world would you make them pay you back? What's wrong with you?

Seriously!

How is kid failing all the time? He failed in HS you say? I think he was failing from k-12 and you did not pay attention. Does he need therapy and a life coach. I

Yes, force your son to care about his appearance. Force your kid to learn a trade. Force him to go to community college and take a few classes at a time. You cannot let him fail because his whole future life will be hard. Do you realize how hard today's world is for kids without proper training and education? What is your desire for this kid? Turn him into a Jan 6er?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:From your tone this is not your kids issue.

Sounds like you failed.

Give the kid money for a hair cut if they want it. Why in the world would you make them pay you back? What's wrong with you?

Seriously!

How is kid failing all the time? He failed in HS you say? I think he was failing from k-12 and you did not pay attention. Does he need therapy and a life coach. I

Yes, force your son to care about his appearance. Force your kid to learn a trade. Force him to go to community college and take a few classes at a time. You cannot let him fail because his whole future life will be hard. Do you realize how hard today's world is for kids without proper training and education? What is your desire for this kid? Turn him into a Jan 6er?

Not sure what 1/6 has to do with this, but okay.

[Anonymous]

I totally don’t get why you let your kid fail at life. This goes way beyond his appearance. Poor parenting

[Anonymous]

I agree with the others that the money would be far better sense getting him evaluations/treatment for whatever’s going on that’s causing him to keep failing out of things. It’s not his haircut or shoes.

[Anonymous]

I had him evaluated for ADD and autism when he was younger but the testing came back negative, though I do wish I had pushed more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I had him evaluated for ADD and autism when he was younger but the testing came back negative, though I do wish I had pushed more.

Personal hygeine should have been enforced early on. How do you propose to force him now?

[Anonymous]

What kind of job did your DS get? Is he in front of the public?

[Anonymous]

He’s an adult. You can’t force him to do anything. Fen when he was a child, the only thing you could force him to do was to wear a winter jacket

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had him evaluated for ADD and autism when he was younger but the testing came back negative, though I do wish I had pushed more.

Personal hygeine should have been enforced early on. How do you propose to force him now?

Please have him reevaluate. He should have been medicated if his grades weren’t good. It also sounds like he has been depressed most of his life. He needs something to motivate him in life. It is not necessarily your fault. Most of this is really genetics. Some kids need extra pushing to keep them out of a slump. Once in the stump, it is hard to for them to get out and succeed.

[Anonymous]

I am sorry everyone is piling up on you OP!
I have one of those boys who are a bit oblivious about anything on the world of things - he mostly lives somewhere in the clouds.
I would definitely buy your son new shoes and make an appointment with a good barber/hairdresser and take him there (like, he is really good.. I am going to give you a ride and why don’t you try it?)
My theory is that some people require much more everyday maintenance than others. It’s almost generic. My dad is mostly oblivious to how he looks. His grandchild is going to be the same I am afraid. I do tell him it’s time to shop for new whatever.
I think modern parents are often confused by two conflicting guidance pieces: we should let go and we should be parenting well. It’s hard to find a balance but for some kids it’s towards more control

[Anonymous]

Yes

[Anonymous]

This is why people tell to bathe your kids daily, and don’t let them sleep in their clothes.

You let him roll out of bed to go to school - why would his job be any different?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am sorry everyone is piling up on you OP!
I have one of those boys who are a bit oblivious about anything on the world of things - he mostly lives somewhere in the clouds.
I would definitely buy your son new shoes and make an appointment with a good barber/hairdresser and take him there (like, he is really good.. I am going to give you a ride and why don’t you try it?)
My theory is that some people require much more everyday maintenance than others. It’s almost generic. My dad is mostly oblivious to how he looks. His grandchild is going to be the same I am afraid. I do tell him it’s time to shop for new whatever.
I think modern parents are often confused by two conflicting guidance pieces: we should let go and we should be parenting well. It’s hard to find a balance but for some kids it’s towards more control

Thank you for understanding, and honestly the DCUM negativity rolls off my back. For the most part, I just assume the comments come from young parents who found their way to this forum. Generally, parents of older children are more mature and understand that everything is not the parents' fault.