Elderly parents won't move closer

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Stop asking them to move closer, OP. It's their choice on where they live, not what's convenient for you in a hypothetical future. Competent aging people can still make their own life decisions. You may not agree with or like what they choose, but you don't have a say unless they're asking you for support. Live in the now and give up dwelling on what might happen. In ten years, they may be ready to move closer.

I understand you'd like them to be more interested in your kids, but they're as involved as they want to be. It's sad and feels unfair, but its what they're choosing to do.

Yeah, this sounds great. But fast forward almost 10 years where I am now, and my folks cannot move (too frail) and are out of money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you want to see them more it's on you to go to them. Stop asking them to move, it's obnoxious. They have a perfectly good reason to live where they do - they like it.

Feeeelings. Whoa Whoa Whao feeeelinnngsssss…



So so stupid

[Anonymous]

In ten years, they may be ready to move closer.

They're 80. In ten years each of them only has maybe a 30% chance to be alive at all. Face it, if they haven't moved close to you by age 80, they're not doing it.

OP is going to be in a situation sometime in the coming years that is not uncommon which is that elderly parents who live far away either die, have a major health crisis like a stroke, or totally run out of money. Then one of their kids has to drop everything, fly there, and try to sort things out while taking time off work and time from parenting. Maybe have to deal with getting them situated in assisted living or hospice while getting rid of the contents of an entire house and sorting out their financial issues. It sucks. I've BTDT and I know.

[Anonymous]

I’m also in a somewhat similar situation. It sounds like you need to let go of this idea that your parents should be more doting or involved with your kids. You sound like you could use some support in dealing with three young children, but you will not find this support from your parents. They might feel like they’ve already paid their dues in raising you and your brother.

Your parents will just need to deal with aging by themselves, since that’s the choice they made. They sound like they’re content where they are, even if you don’t understand how they could be happy living like that.

[Anonymous]

I think you need to mourn that your kids won't have the grandparents you'd hoped they would have and that your parents aren't valuing you and your family enough to be connected in a way that seems appropriate to you.

This is a sad situation, a lost opportunity for sure.

Try and accept that this is what is, and make plans to do things differently as you age. You can be the grandparents you want to be and make different choices.

That being said, it is completely unreasonable for your parents to expect a high level of involvement from you given their life choices. So be sure to set those boundaries and don't get sucked into rearranging your and your kids' lives to accommodate them.

And this is a loss. The people who are telling you to grow up are mean.

[Anonymous]

Stop with the "resentful". Accept that you are now the competent adult. You are going to have to rise to many, many challenges and soon. To be honest you don't, or soon won't have the luxury of ruminating on your feelings.

[Anonymous]

They have every right to live where and how they want. Let them be. They aren’t bugging you to move closer.

[Anonymous]

Are you the person whose parents live in California who has posted this 2-3 times before?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

In ten years, they may be ready to move closer.

They're 80. In ten years each of them only has maybe a 30% chance to be alive at all. Face it, if they haven't moved close to you by age 80, they're not doing it.

OP is going to be in a situation sometime in the coming years that is not uncommon which is that elderly parents who live far away either die, have a major health crisis like a stroke, or totally run out of money. Then one of their kids has to drop everything, fly there, and try to sort things out while taking time off work and time from parenting. Maybe have to deal with getting them situated in assisted living or hospice while getting rid of the contents of an entire house and sorting out their financial issues. It sucks. I've BTDT and I know.

Same here.

[Anonymous]

There will be a crisis at some point. Do research on assisted living facilities nearby them if they really insist on staying in that town. And research companies that will clean out houses to sell. This is your future so you might as well be ready for it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Stop with the "resentful". Accept that you are now the competent adult. You are going to have to rise to many, many challenges and soon. To be honest you don't, or soon won't have the luxury of ruminating on your feelings.

Or not. OP you could end up in a situation like I did where you had your own major family emergency and could no longer deal with their emergencies. You try your best to get them to make good choices. You make your boundaries clear and then things happen. The reality is you may not be able to rise to their challenges because of a crisis with the family you created, but at least you can tell yourself you did your best to avoid it.

[Anonymous]

There's no way I'm making a big move at 80.

They like where they are. You don't. But it's their life to live.

While I understand your sadness, it's time to let go of this unrealistic expectation. What you can do is help them make plans for accessing care & support as they age.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There's no way I'm making a big move at 80.

They like where they are. You don't. But it's their life to live.

While I understand your sadness, it's time to let go of this unrealistic expectation. What you can do is help them make plans for accessing care & support as they age.

HAHAHAHAHAHAAAA. NP. What even makes you think they will accept any plans for accessing support and care? My father sits in a chair all day watching TV, profoundly disabled by a stroke, and expects my equally elderly mother to help him with what he can’t do. My mother can barely walk herself and is also weak and disabled. Lawyers can’t help as doctors are unwilling to declare either mentally incompetent (lawsuit fears I’m sure). They are 3000 miles from me, broke save for social security, and refuse all suggestions, from assisted living in their area, to moving to where family is etc. So many solutions they refuse to take. My mother told me the other day she wishes my father were dead - she’s clearly afraid to say no to him. All she has to do, I told her, is leave with her social security and he will surely follow. Instead she lets him dictate from a chair. If they would downsize even to a smaller home in their neighborhood, they could afford to hire someone in to help them. Father screams NO, mother says she’s too afraid. The only way something changes is if one of them dies. If my mother deteriorates to the point where she needs full-time care, there’s still no way my father would sign papers to sell the house, leaving my mother on Medicaid. If she becomes wheelchair bound and incontinent, she will THEN beg to come to me to avoid a nursing home and expect me to drop EVERYTHING to care for her full-time. Solutions are there - great solutions, doable solutions - but they won’t take them. One a crisis hits, there will be no viable solution anymore

[Anonymous]

Oh, and my favorite is “have a gentle, loving conversation with them” like this will even begin to move the needle. It won’t in most cases. If this was your stubborn, narcissistic husband, would a ‘gentle, loving conversation’ work? No.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Stop asking them to move closer, OP. It's their choice on where they live, not what's convenient for you in a hypothetical future. Competent aging people can still make their own life decisions. You may not agree with or like what they choose, but you don't have a say unless they're asking you for support. Live in the now and give up dwelling on what might happen. In ten years, they may be ready to move closer.

I understand you'd like them to be more interested in your kids, but they're as involved as they want to be. It's sad and feels unfair, but its what they're choosing to do.

Yeah, this sounds great. But fast forward almost 10 years where I am now, and my folks cannot move (too frail) and are out of money.

Different poster. I am sorry to hear this happened and I know how painful it all is. You look into what is available given their financial circumstances. You can also ask adult protective services to do regular checks on them. You don't put yourself in financial or health jeopardy to save them. You do only what you can handle. It took me so much therapy and emotional pain to learn to detach and understand that my parent made a series of awful decisions while cognitively fine. To make things worse, my parent's refusal to treat mental illness made her abusive while still considered capable of making her own decisions. I had to save my own life and protect my family and detach. We have outside professionals involved. In our case there is at least money to en sure she gets decent care, but she does not agree to the level of care she needs and that is her choice. I had to learn to accept she may die from a fall down her steps, but it will be on her terms living exactly the way she wanted.