Elderly parents won't move closer

[Anonymous]

My parents are both 80. 20 years ago they left our hometown and retired to a completely random town 3000 miles away, where they knew no one and had no connections. Since they've been there the last 20 years they have not made any friends, have no local family, don't work/volunteer, and have no hobbies or interests other than TV. They mainly sit on their deck and watch TV. Granted they live in a beautiful area with mountains but they live in a tiny town that is 30 minutes from the nearest grocery store. They no longer travel, don't do day trips, and don't really enjoy the area other than what they can see from their deck. They often complain that there's "nothing to do here." They also don't leave their house anymore due to Covid.

In the last 20 years we have seen them about once a year but during the pandemic we didn't see them for 3 years. They aren't too interested in traveling to us anymore (6 hour plane ride) and it's difficult to travel to them with young kids (our kids are in elementary school).

I feel resentful that I have asked them many times over the years to move closer, since they have no reason for being out that far, and they always refuse saying "they like it out here." Fortunately they are both in perfect health, take no medications, and have never had a health issue, and there are no issues with finances keeping them from traveling or moving. However, now that they're 80 I do worry a lot about potential problems down the road and there is no way I can drop everything and fly out there if they have a health issue unless it's a significant one, because I'd have to take all the kids out of school and bring them with me each time (we have no local family and my husband cannot take off work last minute for things like that). The kids are 5th grade, 2nd grade and Kindergarten.

I also feel resentful that they have missed the kids' entire childhoods by only wanting to see us once a year. They're not engaged grandparents and they enjoy their weekly Zoom calls with the kids but that's the extent of the relationship. The kids are much closer to our in-laws who they see 3 times per year, and it makes me sad that they will never get to know my side of the family at all really, since my extended family lives all over and we rarely see them either. Unfortunately we have never done holidays with my family due to the distance and so they don't have many fond memories of getting together with my family. My parents also have not wanted to vacation with us.

How can I come to an acceptance of the fact that my parents chose to live in this random town thousands of miles away, that requires a 6 hour plane ride and then a 2 hour car ride, where they have no connections/family over living closer and being a part of our family and being more involved in their grandkids' lives? Also we don't like visiting there more often than we do because there is nothing for the kids to do there. Their house has no toys, no yard, no pool, and there is nothing for a 30 minute drive other than the grocery store so the kids are on their ipads the entire week when they're there since my parents don't want to leave the house but still want to be with them. These are their only grandkids and I have one brother who lives nowhere near me but also very far from them.

I have struggled to let go of the disappointment that my family is not interested in being close or involved. Any suggestions for accepting and trying to move forward?

[Anonymous]

accept that some people would prefer to not have their life revolve around their family once they are raised - it's not you, it's them.

[Anonymous]

They are who they are and you won’t change them at 80. Count your lucky stars that they’re in perfect health, far away, and you aren’t doing the grunt work of sandwich generation elderly caregiving with young elementary kids. It’s a nightmare.

[Anonymous]

Stop asking them to move closer, OP. It's their choice on where they live, not what's convenient for you in a hypothetical future. Competent aging people can still make their own life decisions. You may not agree with or like what they choose, but you don't have a say unless they're asking you for support. Live in the now and give up dwelling on what might happen. In ten years, they may be ready to move closer.

I understand you'd like them to be more interested in your kids, but they're as involved as they want to be. It's sad and feels unfair, but its what they're choosing to do.

[Anonymous]

Why did your parents move to that particular town? Did they know the town from previous visits?

Presumably your parents and you knew that moving 3000 miles away would have implications, not only for your parents but also for you, your DH and your kids.
Was this never discussed before they moved?
Did they not think it through?

[Anonymous]

It’s okay to talk to them about what you are and are not willing to do if one or both becomes ill. Which will, obviously, happen in the near-ish future, current health problems or no. If you’re not going to be in a position to swoop in I’d let them know that and inquire as to their plans.

[Anonymous]

If you want to see them more it's on you to go to them. Stop asking them to move, it's obnoxious. They have a perfectly good reason to live where they do - they like it.

[Anonymous]

Would you like your child dictating where you live OP? I sure wouldn’t.
You get to set boundaries on what you’re willing to do given their location. That’s it.

[Anonymous]

OP, you will have to accept that they want to stay where they are, period. Eventually, they will have to make a decision involving bring in more help (or not) or making a move (or not). I’ve way of me seeing that as tough as it is, you are going to have to give some tough love. This is their decision and they aren’t likely to change and claim they are content.

So, step aside. Stop cajoling or even mentioning the idea that they should move.

[Anonymous]

I’m in a somewhat similar situation, except my parents live in a town that has more amenities than yours. I’m far away, though. Eventually something will happen that changes the situation and, unfortunately, there’s nothing we can do until that happens. Instead of trying to persuade them to move closer to you, can you start discussing POA and other legal things to put in place while they are coherent, so you can step in and help if there is an emergency?

[Anonymous]

I think you need to write it down, talk it out and then just let it go. I did this with a sibling. I'm incredibly jealous of sibling relationships; they are nothing like mine. It's just not going to be like what I thought it was and also our childhood together had a lot of issues. We're estranged.

What you can do is move forward and make sure that your own relationship to your kids is wonderful. Make your own immediate family what you want it to be.

[Anonymous]

You need to get over it. Grow up.

[Anonymous]

Unless you can offer them that view in your area, you're not going to make them happy, OP.

I'm like them. I love beautiful landscapes, and would be so happy to live somewhere where I can enjoy such a view from my deck. I really don't understand why you blame them. Don't you know many family are scattered across the world and don't see each other that much? My own family lives in Europe and Asia. I see my parents once a year but there are cousins I haven't seen in a decade, because of distance, cost and travel time involved, as well as pandemic restrictions.

This is life, OP. You don't dictate where your relatives choose to live, and you have to accept that modern families rarely live next to each other.

[Anonymous]

I have a hard time understanding posts like this. I have parents that live far away in a small town and they have zero interest in me or my kids. We see them once every year or two and never for holidays. This is not totally uncommon. I know other people in this kind of situation. Honestly, I don't care because my parents are kind of awful. So here are my questions for you:

Do you even like your parents? You do not say one positive thing about them. Do you have anything in common with them?

Is this more about the idea you had in your head about what kind of parents/grandparents you wish you and your kids had?

So your parents aren't those people. Oh well. Focus on the positive and put your energy into those things in your life. Family is the people you choose and who choose you back. We have amazing family friends who we spend holidays with and my kids see all the time and will know the rest of their lives. I feel lucky. Live your life in a way that you can feel lucky to, but it's luck you create.

And good news, when they start having failing health, you don't need to drop everything. It won't really be your problem as you're not close to them clearly and you can't get to them easily. They'll call 911. You won't need to swoop in and be the cavalry and save them.

[Anonymous]

You don't have young kids anymore and your life is back to normal. You get on a plane with the family or alone and visit. Simple.