Just curious: you feel judgment about the sacrifices you make for your teens?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My son was born premature. He had a global developmental delay. I had to quit my job to feed him myself, because he wouldn't eat at the crappy daycare we could afford.

Then he was diagnosed with severe ADHD and learning disabilities. I'm pretty sure he has a mild form of HFA as well.

I've never gone back to work. I took this kid, who doctors said might not ever be mainstreamed at school, and taught him myself, organized a physical education schedule myself, so that now he's a senior in high school, has done multiple AP courses and has already been accepted to one college.

But no one can measure how far he's come except me, since I did most of the work. My husband taught him to walk, and tutored him in math, but he that represents a fraction of what I had to do.

I try not to write this out too often, otherwise I cry. I'm crying now.

So I don't care what others think about my sacrifices, and how people told me "ADHD is overdiagnosed, boys will be boys, why don't you get a job, blah blah blah". My sacrifices were so worth it!

Did you homeschool him? Because not working while he was at school 35 hours a week for 13 years is not exactly a sacrifice.

PP you replied to. My STEM field is stressful and does not accept part-time work. It's full time or more than full time. When he was in daycare, I was still working 10 hour days. My son needed constant accompaniment when he was not at school, to re-learn what he'd missed, despite one-on-one aides at school, and to go to his therapies or practice his skills. So I could not work. We didn't have the money to hire a nanny for the afternoon, but I wouldn't have wanted to anyway, because the point was that I taught him quicker and better than any paid therapist would have done. I pushed hard for years. It's only in the last couple of years I've been able to step back, and my field has advanced in technologies that I never trained on, so it's really doubtful I'd be able to find work in it.

Your question is why I don't even bother to explain in real life, PP. People don't understand the finer details of life with a special needs child, because every child is different, and for some it's better for the parent to take over and manage their care. Left to the psychologists' and therapists' own guidance, my son would have achieved much less, and would probably not be college-bound. It's not their child, they don't live with him, they don't see the potential. I didn't want that for him, I knew he was intelligent and could achieve if we worked really hard to power through his physical issues and his learning disabilities. I have a neighbor who is doing the same thing for her child. I understand her even if others don't. So we worked together every afternoon for all of elementary and middle school (and then high school was thrown off by the pandemic).

You can't imagine the things this kid has had to do to get where he is, and I am the one who made that happen. He wrote his personal statement on it. It was really interesting to read it from his point of view.

OP here and thank you for your responses. I am in a situation where the advice my therapist gives and the advice my child’s therapist gives conflict. DD’s therapist talks about how much progress she has seen from various interventions and activities and says it’s really important that we keep it up, and I trust this therapist. My therapist on the other hand heavily implies that I’m sacrificing too much for DD and I should drop some things because teens require less time. I just can’t seem to convince him that it’s very valid to live my best life within the constructions that raising my child places on me instead of rejecting the advice of DD’s therapist. He talks abojt learned helplessness and it’s very frustrating. (Pretty sure I’m ditching the therapist after this conversation)

I wouldn't be so quick to cast your therapist as an enemy of your kid's progress. Both things can be true - you can be making amazing progress and your kid could benefit from taking point more often instead of you handling everything.

Not to mention, many times moms find their breaking point by passing it. If your therapist consistently tells you you're sacrificing too much, you might want to frame the conversation as what you can do to support yourself so that you can continue to show up for DD, not as a way of pawning her off.

Agree with this, unless the conversations with your therapist are more distressing than not. Every professional in our lives is Team DC, as am I, and my therapist is the only one who is Team Me. I didn’t even know I got a team. So while I’m probably not moving forward as fast as she would like, I have shifted my view of our situation to find ways where I can occasionally prioritize my own needs, something I have never done before.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My son was born premature. He had a global developmental delay. I had to quit my job to feed him myself, because he wouldn't eat at the crappy daycare we could afford.

Then he was diagnosed with severe ADHD and learning disabilities. I'm pretty sure he has a mild form of HFA as well.

I've never gone back to work. I took this kid, who doctors said might not ever be mainstreamed at school, and taught him myself, organized a physical education schedule myself, so that now he's a senior in high school, has done multiple AP courses and has already been accepted to one college.

But no one can measure how far he's come except me, since I did most of the work. My husband taught him to walk, and tutored him in math, but he that represents a fraction of what I had to do.

I try not to write this out too often, otherwise I cry. I'm crying now.

So I don't care what others think about my sacrifices, and how people told me "ADHD is overdiagnosed, boys will be boys, why don't you get a job, blah blah blah". My sacrifices were so worth it!

Did you homeschool him? Because not working while he was at school 35 hours a week for 13 years is not exactly a sacrifice.

PP you replied to. My STEM field is stressful and does not accept part-time work. It's full time or more than full time. When he was in daycare, I was still working 10 hour days. My son needed constant accompaniment when he was not at school, to re-learn what he'd missed, despite one-on-one aides at school, and to go to his therapies or practice his skills. So I could not work. We didn't have the money to hire a nanny for the afternoon, but I wouldn't have wanted to anyway, because the point was that I taught him quicker and better than any paid therapist would have done. I pushed hard for years. It's only in the last couple of years I've been able to step back, and my field has advanced in technologies that I never trained on, so it's really doubtful I'd be able to find work in it.

Your question is why I don't even bother to explain in real life, PP. People don't understand the finer details of life with a special needs child, because every child is different, and for some it's better for the parent to take over and manage their care. Left to the psychologists' and therapists' own guidance, my son would have achieved much less, and would probably not be college-bound. It's not their child, they don't live with him, they don't see the potential. I didn't want that for him, I knew he was intelligent and could achieve if we worked really hard to power through his physical issues and his learning disabilities. I have a neighbor who is doing the same thing for her child. I understand her even if others don't. So we worked together every afternoon for all of elementary and middle school (and then high school was thrown off by the pandemic).

You can't imagine the things this kid has had to do to get where he is, and I am the one who made that happen. He wrote his personal statement on it. It was really interesting to read it from his point of view.

OP here and thank you for your responses. I am in a situation where the advice my therapist gives and the advice my child’s therapist gives conflict. DD’s therapist talks about how much progress she has seen from various interventions and activities and says it’s really important that we keep it up, and I trust this therapist. My therapist on the other hand heavily implies that I’m sacrificing too much for DD and I should drop some things because teens require less time. I just can’t seem to convince him that it’s very valid to live my best life within the constructions that raising my child places on me instead of rejecting the advice of DD’s therapist. He talks abojt learned helplessness and it’s very frustrating. (Pretty sure I’m ditching the therapist after this conversation)

I wouldn't be so quick to cast your therapist as an enemy of your kid's progress. Both things can be true - you can be making amazing progress and your kid could benefit from taking point more often instead of you handling everything.

Not to mention, many times moms find their breaking point by passing it. If your therapist consistently tells you you're sacrificing too much, you might want to frame the conversation as what you can do to support yourself so that you can continue to show up for DD, not as a way of pawning her off.

Agree with this, unless the conversations with your therapist are more distressing than not. Every professional in our lives is Team DC, as am I, and my therapist is the only one who is Team Me. I didn’t even know I got a team. So while I’m probably not moving forward as fast as she would like, I have shifted my view of our situation to find ways where I can occasionally prioritize my own needs, something I have never done before.

OP here. I had a therapist who suggested I offload some things off onto my husband, which I did and was great. This therapist is sort of questioning if DD really needs the things her therapist recommends that make my life harder. He’s not giving me another suggestion aside from me doing less. He keeps going back to her being a teenager and implying that the risk to her mental health is worth my not having to make any particular sacrifice. I don’t think that’s something you can ever know, just like I can’t know that I’d actually be happier working full time or spending more time with friends. I suspect that if I was having the same struggles as a parent young kids, I’d get less judgment and more sympathy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP that learned helplessness comment makes my blood boil! Providing appropriate, required supports for a neurodivergent child is NOT creating learned helplessness! SN kids have to work so much harder to do the same things NT kids do because of their disabilities. Parent support into adolescence and adulthood may be required. That may be hard for a non-SN parent to understand but I am shocked that a therapist wouldn't know better than to say something stupid like that (and I am assuming this therapist doesn't have a SN child!)

Thank you. I do want to be self-reflective and consider that I have more power over my situation than I realize I do, but Im skeptical that my desire to follow the recommendations of DD’s therapist is actually learned helplessness. It’s not like she’s asking that I, I dunno, wake up every two hours to feed her, you know?

[Anonymous]

Do you expect DD to go to college in next two years? If so then you do need to back way off and let her take the lead.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you expect DD to go to college in next two years? If so then you do need to back way off and let her take the lead.

No, I don’t. She’s 13.

But how does that work? Is a SN 16-year old expected to get to their appointments themselves? Find their own doctors and make their own appointments? I never did any of these things until I was in college, and I used resources available on campus so it wasn’t a big effort.

[Anonymous]

Being an involved attentive parent is always a good thing.

[Anonymous]

People will think whatever they do. Why do you need validation from others that what you did/are doing has value if you know it yourself?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I had a therapist who suggested I offload some things off onto my husband, which I did and was great. This therapist is sort of questioning if DD really needs the things her therapist recommends that make my life harder. He’s not giving me another suggestion aside from me doing less. He keeps going back to her being a teenager and implying that the risk to her mental health is worth my not having to make any particular sacrifice. I don’t think that’s something you can ever know, just like I can’t know that I’d actually be happier working full time or spending more time with friends. I suspect that if I was having the same struggles as a parent young kids, I’d get less judgment and more sympathy.

It's tough and I get why you're conflicted. You don't want to live in an echo chamber, but there is so much that needs doing for a kid with SN that people with NT kids and expectations don't understand. With that said, I struggle all the time with whether I am scaffolding or enabling, and sometimes I'm not sure. There is only so much time available in a day, so I think considering what he says, taking it to heart---even if you decide it's advice you don't agree with--is still a valid exercise. Some therapists come with their own egos and agendas too, so if that is not the only thing that isn't working for you with this guy, I wouldn't hesitate to switch. But if that conversation has clarified your feelings on this matter, then maybe it's a good use of your time!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My son was born premature. He had a global developmental delay. I had to quit my job to feed him myself, because he wouldn't eat at the crappy daycare we could afford.

Then he was diagnosed with severe ADHD and learning disabilities. I'm pretty sure he has a mild form of HFA as well.

I've never gone back to work. I took this kid, who doctors said might not ever be mainstreamed at school, and taught him myself, organized a physical education schedule myself, so that now he's a senior in high school, has done multiple AP courses and has already been accepted to one college.

But no one can measure how far he's come except me, since I did most of the work. My husband taught him to walk, and tutored him in math, but he that represents a fraction of what I had to do.

I try not to write this out too often, otherwise I cry. I'm crying now.

So I don't care what others think about my sacrifices, and how people told me "ADHD is overdiagnosed, boys will be boys, why don't you get a job, blah blah blah". My sacrifices were so worth it!

Did you homeschool him? Because not working while he was at school 35 hours a week for 13 years is not exactly a sacrifice.

NP. I think it's really hard to understand if you're not in the thick of things how that time your child is in school is sucked up by doctor's appointments, following up on recommendations from therapists like preparing charts, special food, studying all the materials about your child's condition, trying to research and advise and supervise with outside school activities, for some people literally reviewing all the academics your child does so you can tutor them after school and make sure they are on top of things, not to mention the regular tasks of cleaning up and buying all the special clothing they might need. Many parents I know are also driving their children to school because they can't do the bus. One mom I know from a support groups spend hours each week repairing and cleaning because her child has big meltdowns and destroys things and another parent mentioned their child goes to the bathroom in the middle of their rooms sometimes. There are not enough hours in a day to do all this.

OP-Don't let these people make you feel judged. Your child is lucky to have you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My son was born premature. He had a global developmental delay. I had to quit my job to feed him myself, because he wouldn't eat at the crappy daycare we could afford.

Then he was diagnosed with severe ADHD and learning disabilities. I'm pretty sure he has a mild form of HFA as well.

I've never gone back to work. I took this kid, who doctors said might not ever be mainstreamed at school, and taught him myself, organized a physical education schedule myself, so that now he's a senior in high school, has done multiple AP courses and has already been accepted to one college.

But no one can measure how far he's come except me, since I did most of the work. My husband taught him to walk, and tutored him in math, but he that represents a fraction of what I had to do.

I try not to write this out too often, otherwise I cry. I'm crying now.

So I don't care what others think about my sacrifices, and how people told me "ADHD is overdiagnosed, boys will be boys, why don't you get a job, blah blah blah". My sacrifices were so worth it!

Did you homeschool him? Because not working while he was at school 35 hours a week for 13 years is not exactly a sacrifice.

PP you replied to. My STEM field is stressful and does not accept part-time work. It's full time or more than full time. When he was in daycare, I was still working 10 hour days. My son needed constant accompaniment when he was not at school, to re-learn what he'd missed, despite one-on-one aides at school, and to go to his therapies or practice his skills. So I could not work. We didn't have the money to hire a nanny for the afternoon, but I wouldn't have wanted to anyway, because the point was that I taught him quicker and better than any paid therapist would have done. I pushed hard for years. It's only in the last couple of years I've been able to step back, and my field has advanced in technologies that I never trained on, so it's really doubtful I'd be able to find work in it.

Your question is why I don't even bother to explain in real life, PP. People don't understand the finer details of life with a special needs child, because every child is different, and for some it's better for the parent to take over and manage their care. Left to the psychologists' and therapists' own guidance, my son would have achieved much less, and would probably not be college-bound. It's not their child, they don't live with him, they don't see the potential. I didn't want that for him, I knew he was intelligent and could achieve if we worked really hard to power through his physical issues and his learning disabilities. I have a neighbor who is doing the same thing for her child. I understand her even if others don't. So we worked together every afternoon for all of elementary and middle school (and then high school was thrown off by the pandemic).

You can't imagine the things this kid has had to do to get where he is, and I am the one who made that happen. He wrote his personal statement on it. It was really interesting to read it from his point of view.

OP here and thank you for your responses. I am in a situation where the advice my therapist gives and the advice my child’s therapist gives conflict. DD’s therapist talks about how much progress she has seen from various interventions and activities and says it’s really important that we keep it up, and I trust this therapist. My therapist on the other hand heavily implies that I’m sacrificing too much for DD and I should drop some things because teens require less time. I just can’t seem to convince him that it’s very valid to live my best life within the constructions that raising my child places on me instead of rejecting the advice of DD’s therapist. He talks abojt learned helplessness and it’s very frustrating. (Pretty sure I’m ditching the therapist after this conversation)

I wouldn't be so quick to cast your therapist as an enemy of your kid's progress. Both things can be true - you can be making amazing progress and your kid could benefit from taking point more often instead of you handling everything.

Not to mention, many times moms find their breaking point by passing it. If your therapist consistently tells you you're sacrificing too much, you might want to frame the conversation as what you can do to support yourself so that you can continue to show up for DD, not as a way of pawning her off.

Agree with this, unless the conversations with your therapist are more distressing than not. Every professional in our lives is Team DC, as am I, and my therapist is the only one who is Team Me. I didn’t even know I got a team. So while I’m probably not moving forward as fast as she would like, I have shifted my view of our situation to find ways where I can occasionally prioritize my own needs, something I have never done before.

OP here. I had a therapist who suggested I offload some things off onto my husband, which I did and was great. This therapist is sort of questioning if DD really needs the things her therapist recommends that make my life harder. He’s not giving me another suggestion aside from me doing less. He keeps going back to her being a teenager and implying that the risk to her mental health is worth my not having to make any particular sacrifice. I don’t think that’s something you can ever know, just like I can’t know that I’d actually be happier working full time or spending more time with friends. I suspect that if I was having the same struggles as a parent young kids, I’d get less judgment and more sympathy.

OP it’s really ok if you hear alternate viewpoints from time to time. Just because he is your therapist, doesn’t mean you have to do everything he says. It’s ok to explain to him why you are making the decisions that you are. I don’t think it’s necessarily a bad thing - it can either make you reevaluate certain decisions you are making or clarify your thinking as you verbalize to him your rationale. Disagreeing, or playing devil’s advocate, or simply prodding a little harder regarding your thought process isnt the same thing as withholding sympathy or expressing judgment of you.

[Anonymous]

OP, every mother thinks the amount of work they are putting into their children is absolutely necessary to their child's well being. But the reality is that there is a HUGE range of time parents put into their kids. My close friend is a sahm of 3 school aged NT kids, and she legitimately feels like everything she does for them is necessary - and she will complain that her schedule is much busier than mine (I'm a full time big law partner). She has lunch with one of her kids every day at school, she runs one of their extra curriculars, she volunteers in school, she takes them all to ECs, etc etc. She is convinced all of these things are necessary for their well being. I work full time with one ADHD ASD kid, who isn't really interested in many ECs. I do pick up and drop off every day, he does a few activities before and after school, and I help with homework every day, plus manage therapies. I think I do enough for my DC.

I don't think 90% of what she does for her NT kids is necessary, because I don't do any of them for DS and he's fine, he's good in fact!

Point is that every parent thinks what they're doing is what their kids need, because that's what let's us sleep at night. I sleep at night, not feeling guilty that I'm not more available for DS. My friend sleeps at night, knowing there's a purpose to her life.

It's quite possible you don't need to be doing the vast majority of what you are doing for your kid. Frankly, child therapists are rarely a good gauge for what's necessary. It's rare to meet a ST who doesn't think your kid should stay in speech, an OT who doesn't think your kid should stay in OT, or a psych who thinks they wouldn't benefit. There are a million posts on this forum of SN parents wondering where the balance is between what is recommended therapy vs what is realistic (either because of time or money or overkill concerns). We're all pretty aware that therapists may be overselling the benefits of their services to us.

On the flip side, your therapist thinks you're in overkill mode. He must be saying that based on something he's seen, like you're unhappy, or tired, or losing yourself. His opinion is at least worth listening to, I think. Because if he's right, there's no prize for being the best mommy martyr. If he's wrong, or if you are good with your life, then listen to him but don't take the advice.

fwiw I've decided over the years to do a minimum of therapy for DS. I don't think he benefits much from it, in our case. I've also picked and chosen what fits healthily into the family lifestyle we want. And three days a week of therapy does not. I typically keep to one thing at a time (focus on speech for a while, or now we're focusing on some academic tutoring). I've also taken periods to do a "break" from therapies and overall worrying about DS - like, we may start a school year without therapies and do a mental reset to see how things go for a while. The one psychologist we maintain a long term relationship with also commends me for this approach. She celebrates this "intentional parenting approach", and I think she's tacitly suggesting that too many of the kids she sees have parents that are too enmeshed in their kids. On the flip side, she's a therapist and may just say this to make me feel good (like, she'll tell every parent that they're doing an amazing job, whatever their approach) - which re-affirms that you shouldn't believe whatever all the child therapists are saying, because they're just saying what you want to hear.

To me, it sounds like multiple people in your life are giving you permission to step back, and may even think it would be beneficial for you to step back - both to you and your DD. I'd listen to that. But it sounds like you don't want to listen to that, because you are vested in the decisions you've made. That's fine too. But it's unlikely all of that you're doing is really necessary.

[Anonymous]

I am sorry OP.

My mother judges the amount of time I spend on my SNs kid's needs and it irks me all the time because all I hear is "I would have never done that for you."

Also when people suggest- focus on you, spend time on you, do what you need- it is not helpful.at.all. I am surprised by your therapist.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you expect DD to go to college in next two years? If so then you do need to back way off and let her take the lead.

DP. My DS with ADHD/anxiety/LD is in his 2nd year at community college. It was his choice to go to college - in that he decided he wanted to go to college - but we were clear early on that we wouldn't pay for him to go away to school until he demonstrated he could be successful independently.

Over the last 2 years, he continues to 'take the lead' by remaining in college but that doesn't mean he doesn't need a lot of support. He takes the lead by asking me for help but helping him learn to manage communications with instructors, how to schedule appointments with advisors, how to figure out what classes are needed and to find the better professors - those are all things that spend a lot f time with him on because of his disabilities.

I'm very proud of how far my DS has come in the last 2 years. Had I not been willing to continue supporting him at a high level, he would have failed and not learn what he needed to learn - and I'm not talking class content. I'm talking about the life skills that we all need to be successful in the real world. I also have an NT DD in college. Completely different experience. Different child, different needs. She's pretty much done everything on her own. You parent the child you have, not the one people expect you to have.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, every mother thinks the amount of work they are putting into their children is absolutely necessary to their child's well being. But the reality is that there is a HUGE range of time parents put into their kids. My close friend is a sahm of 3 school aged NT kids, and she legitimately feels like everything she does for them is necessary - and she will complain that her schedule is much busier than mine (I'm a full time big law partner). She has lunch with one of her kids every day at school, she runs one of their extra curriculars, she volunteers in school, she takes them all to ECs, etc etc. She is convinced all of these things are necessary for their well being. I work full time with one ADHD ASD kid, who isn't really interested in many ECs. I do pick up and drop off every day, he does a few activities before and after school, and I help with homework every day, plus manage therapies. I think I do enough for my DC.

I don't think 90% of what she does for her NT kids is necessary, because I don't do any of them for DS and he's fine, he's good in fact!

Point is that every parent thinks what they're doing is what their kids need, because that's what let's us sleep at night. I sleep at night, not feeling guilty that I'm not more available for DS. My friend sleeps at night, knowing there's a purpose to her life.

It's quite possible you don't need to be doing the vast majority of what you are doing for your kid. Frankly, child therapists are rarely a good gauge for what's necessary. It's rare to meet a ST who doesn't think your kid should stay in speech, an OT who doesn't think your kid should stay in OT, or a psych who thinks they wouldn't benefit. There are a million posts on this forum of SN parents wondering where the balance is between what is recommended therapy vs what is realistic (either because of time or money or overkill concerns). We're all pretty aware that therapists may be overselling the benefits of their services to us.

On the flip side, your therapist thinks you're in overkill mode. He must be saying that based on something he's seen, like you're unhappy, or tired, or losing yourself. His opinion is at least worth listening to, I think. Because if he's right, there's no prize for being the best mommy martyr. If he's wrong, or if you are good with your life, then listen to him but don't take the advice.

fwiw I've decided over the years to do a minimum of therapy for DS. I don't think he benefits much from it, in our case. I've also picked and chosen what fits healthily into the family lifestyle we want. And three days a week of therapy does not. I typically keep to one thing at a time (focus on speech for a while, or now we're focusing on some academic tutoring). I've also taken periods to do a "break" from therapies and overall worrying about DS - like, we may start a school year without therapies and do a mental reset to see how things go for a while. The one psychologist we maintain a long term relationship with also commends me for this approach. She celebrates this "intentional parenting approach", and I think she's tacitly suggesting that too many of the kids she sees have parents that are too enmeshed in their kids. On the flip side, she's a therapist and may just say this to make me feel good (like, she'll tell every parent that they're doing an amazing job, whatever their approach) - which re-affirms that you shouldn't believe whatever all the child therapists are saying, because they're just saying what you want to hear.

To me, it sounds like multiple people in your life are giving you permission to step back, and may even think it would be beneficial for you to step back - both to you and your DD. I'd listen to that. But it sounds like you don't want to listen to that, because you are vested in the decisions you've made. That's fine too. But it's unlikely all of that you're doing is really necessary.

Why does it sound like multiple people in my life think that it would be beneficial to DD to step back? I don't think that what I said implied that at all.

I'll give you an example of what I'm talking about. DD's therapy time changed to 6:15 at night. The therapist mentioned that DD was really tired during that time and therapy seemed less effective, and asked me if there were other times I could do it. All the times she had available were during the school day. We changed it to a school time slot, so now I can't do a during-school-hours job I was considering seeking.

The therapist grilled me about other options for time for therapy, and I mean, sure, DD would probably be okay doing therapy later at night. The therapist didn't even say it was absolutely necessary, just that it would be better. But seeking out this other job is not absolutely necessary either. It is far from a dream job and I don't need the money. On balance I think I'd rather do that job than what I'm doing now, but do I want my suicidal child to get less out of therapy that has really been helping them, just so I could potentially have a slightly better situation? No. I am sure somebody else would make a different choice and that's fine, but I feel like this is a pretty small sacrifice and it's worth it. Yet my therapist seemed really frustrated that I wouldn't budge on it. I'm not overextended, I just wish I had slightly more rewarding work.

This is just one example, but often when I say I can't do something because I have to do something else for my kid, people push back because she's a teen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, every mother thinks the amount of work they are putting into their children is absolutely necessary to their child's well being. But the reality is that there is a HUGE range of time parents put into their kids. My close friend is a sahm of 3 school aged NT kids, and she legitimately feels like everything she does for them is necessary - and she will complain that her schedule is much busier than mine (I'm a full time big law partner). She has lunch with one of her kids every day at school, she runs one of their extra curriculars, she volunteers in school, she takes them all to ECs, etc etc. She is convinced all of these things are necessary for their well being. I work full time with one ADHD ASD kid, who isn't really interested in many ECs. I do pick up and drop off every day, he does a few activities before and after school, and I help with homework every day, plus manage therapies. I think I do enough for my DC.

I don't think 90% of what she does for her NT kids is necessary, because I don't do any of them for DS and he's fine, he's good in fact!

Point is that every parent thinks what they're doing is what their kids need, because that's what let's us sleep at night. I sleep at night, not feeling guilty that I'm not more available for DS. My friend sleeps at night, knowing there's a purpose to her life.

It's quite possible you don't need to be doing the vast majority of what you are doing for your kid. Frankly, child therapists are rarely a good gauge for what's necessary. It's rare to meet a ST who doesn't think your kid should stay in speech, an OT who doesn't think your kid should stay in OT, or a psych who thinks they wouldn't benefit. There are a million posts on this forum of SN parents wondering where the balance is between what is recommended therapy vs what is realistic (either because of time or money or overkill concerns). We're all pretty aware that therapists may be overselling the benefits of their services to us.

On the flip side, your therapist thinks you're in overkill mode. He must be saying that based on something he's seen, like you're unhappy, or tired, or losing yourself. His opinion is at least worth listening to, I think. Because if he's right, there's no prize for being the best mommy martyr. If he's wrong, or if you are good with your life, then listen to him but don't take the advice.

fwiw I've decided over the years to do a minimum of therapy for DS. I don't think he benefits much from it, in our case. I've also picked and chosen what fits healthily into the family lifestyle we want. And three days a week of therapy does not. I typically keep to one thing at a time (focus on speech for a while, or now we're focusing on some academic tutoring). I've also taken periods to do a "break" from therapies and overall worrying about DS - like, we may start a school year without therapies and do a mental reset to see how things go for a while. The one psychologist we maintain a long term relationship with also commends me for this approach. She celebrates this "intentional parenting approach", and I think she's tacitly suggesting that too many of the kids she sees have parents that are too enmeshed in their kids. On the flip side, she's a therapist and may just say this to make me feel good (like, she'll tell every parent that they're doing an amazing job, whatever their approach) - which re-affirms that you shouldn't believe whatever all the child therapists are saying, because they're just saying what you want to hear.

To me, it sounds like multiple people in your life are giving you permission to step back, and may even think it would be beneficial for you to step back - both to you and your DD. I'd listen to that. But it sounds like you don't want to listen to that, because you are vested in the decisions you've made. That's fine too. But it's unlikely all of that you're doing is really necessary.

Why does it sound like multiple people in my life think that it would be beneficial to DD to step back? I don't think that what I said implied that at all.

I'll give you an example of what I'm talking about. DD's therapy time changed to 6:15 at night. The therapist mentioned that DD was really tired during that time and therapy seemed less effective, and asked me if there were other times I could do it. All the times she had available were during the school day. We changed it to a school time slot, so now I can't do a during-school-hours job I was considering seeking.

The therapist grilled me about other options for time for therapy, and I mean, sure, DD would probably be okay doing therapy later at night. The therapist didn't even say it was absolutely necessary, just that it would be better. But seeking out this other job is not absolutely necessary either. It is far from a dream job and I don't need the money. On balance I think I'd rather do that job than what I'm doing now, but do I want my suicidal child to get less out of therapy that has really been helping them, just so I could potentially have a slightly better situation? No. I am sure somebody else would make a different choice and that's fine, but I feel like this is a pretty small sacrifice and it's worth it. Yet my therapist seemed really frustrated that I wouldn't budge on it. I'm not overextended, I just wish I had slightly more rewarding work.

This is just one example, but often when I say I can't do something because I have to do something else for my kid, people push back because she's a teen.

OP - you described your DD as high maintenance ADHD and ASD in the first post, but now you're saying suicidal. Of course, if your DC is suicidal, all parents would dramatically shift their schedules - and it's silly you're even asking about it here. If your DD is not actually suicidal, but just high emotional maintenance, I think I'd wonder why you chose that word "suicidal" when one single poster pushed back on whether you really, really need to be doing all this for your kid. I'm guessing your therapist senses this too. I'm also guessing your kid is not actually suicidal, or there's no way your therapist would be suggesting anything other than prioritizing your DD. In short, I think your last post really exposed your defensiveness here, and yes, if I were you I'd take a minute to listen to those around me who care about me.