Just curious: you feel judgment about the sacrifices you make for your teens?

[Anonymous]

My oldest is sort of high-maintenance teen. She has ADHD and ASD but she doesn't need 24 hour care of anything, just a lot of emotional support, appointments for various therapies, etc. I sometimes mention--not complain, just mention as a natural part of a conversation--the things I do for her, and often people respond with a bunch of suggestions about how I can do less for her and more for myself: a full-time job, more hobbies, more time with friends, etc. I also see them express skepticism that I actually need to sacrifice much, if anything, for a teen. Like it can't possibly be true that if I worked full-time, DD's mental health would suffer.

I don't remember people saying things like this when I talked about the sacrifices I made for my kids before they hit elementary school. For instance, I don't remember anybody giving me odd looks when I complained about a lack of sleep, or spontaneously telling me that my kids would be fine if I formula feed or let them CIO. I just got sympathy. It seems like it's unquestioned that you sacrifice for the earlier ages, but with teens if you sacrifice, you're a mommy martyr, trying to be supermom, whatever.

Obviously many parents do a great job parenting teens like mine while still sacrificing less, but that's true at any age. As a parent we are just constantly making judgment calls about what is best for the whole family, and sometimes that involves a lot of personal sacrifice and sometimes it involves less. Why would there be more judgment when sacrificing for the sake of raising teens?

I didn't care about these impressions I got for a long time because I know that people are going to judge you no matter what you do, and it doesn't come up often. But recently I had a long conversation with somebody about it and the question of the sacrifices we make for teens v. younger children has been on my mind.

[Anonymous]

I think it’s hard for parents of NT kids to really understand what it’s like to parent an SN kid, especially if they don’t outwardly appear SN. I avoid having these conversations unless it’s with someone I know will be supportive. I found the NAMI support group to be a good place to connect with other people when I need people who really get it.

[Anonymous]

I hear you, OP. I have 2 ADHD/ASD teens. My sense of this is that parents of neurotypical teens have no idea how much time and effort it can take to parent a teen with complex disabilities. It might be easier for them to see that with a physical disability, but harder with ADHD and/or Level 1 ASD. Our society values fostering independence, so to the outside viewer it might look like 'helicopter' parenting. I heard recently heard a parenting coach who works with families like ours describe our role really more as full time caregivers as well as parents. I found that language helpful to think about the level of support some of our kids need. Hang in there- many of us do get it!

[Anonymous]

is it possible people don't realize she has ASD etc?

[Anonymous]

My son was born premature. He had a global developmental delay. I had to quit my job to feed him myself, because he wouldn't eat at the crappy daycare we could afford.

Then he was diagnosed with severe ADHD and learning disabilities. I'm pretty sure he has a mild form of HFA as well.

I've never gone back to work. I took this kid, who doctors said might not ever be mainstreamed at school, and taught him myself, organized a physical education schedule myself, so that now he's a senior in high school, has done multiple AP courses and has already been accepted to one college.

But no one can measure how far he's come except me, since I did most of the work. My husband taught him to walk, and tutored him in math, but he that represents a fraction of what I had to do.

I try not to write this out too often, otherwise I cry. I'm crying now.

So I don't care what others think about my sacrifices, and how people told me "ADHD is overdiagnosed, boys will be boys, why don't you get a job, blah blah blah". My sacrifices were so worth it!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My son was born premature. He had a global developmental delay. I had to quit my job to feed him myself, because he wouldn't eat at the crappy daycare we could afford.

Then he was diagnosed with severe ADHD and learning disabilities. I'm pretty sure he has a mild form of HFA as well.

I've never gone back to work. I took this kid, who doctors said might not ever be mainstreamed at school, and taught him myself, organized a physical education schedule myself, so that now he's a senior in high school, has done multiple AP courses and has already been accepted to one college.

But no one can measure how far he's come except me, since I did most of the work. My husband taught him to walk, and tutored him in math, but he that represents a fraction of what I had to do.

I try not to write this out too often, otherwise I cry. I'm crying now.

So I don't care what others think about my sacrifices, and how people told me "ADHD is overdiagnosed, boys will be boys, why don't you get a job, blah blah blah". My sacrifices were so worth it!

Did you homeschool him? Because not working while he was at school 35 hours a week for 13 years is not exactly a sacrifice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My son was born premature. He had a global developmental delay. I had to quit my job to feed him myself, because he wouldn't eat at the crappy daycare we could afford.

Then he was diagnosed with severe ADHD and learning disabilities. I'm pretty sure he has a mild form of HFA as well.

I've never gone back to work. I took this kid, who doctors said might not ever be mainstreamed at school, and taught him myself, organized a physical education schedule myself, so that now he's a senior in high school, has done multiple AP courses and has already been accepted to one college.

But no one can measure how far he's come except me, since I did most of the work. My husband taught him to walk, and tutored him in math, but he that represents a fraction of what I had to do.

I try not to write this out too often, otherwise I cry. I'm crying now.

So I don't care what others think about my sacrifices, and how people told me "ADHD is overdiagnosed, boys will be boys, why don't you get a job, blah blah blah". My sacrifices were so worth it!

Did you homeschool him? Because not working while he was at school 35 hours a week for 13 years is not exactly a sacrifice.

PP you replied to. My STEM field is stressful and does not accept part-time work. It's full time or more than full time. When he was in daycare, I was still working 10 hour days. My son needed constant accompaniment when he was not at school, to re-learn what he'd missed, despite one-on-one aides at school, and to go to his therapies or practice his skills. So I could not work. We didn't have the money to hire a nanny for the afternoon, but I wouldn't have wanted to anyway, because the point was that I taught him quicker and better than any paid therapist would have done. I pushed hard for years. It's only in the last couple of years I've been able to step back, and my field has advanced in technologies that I never trained on, so it's really doubtful I'd be able to find work in it.

Your question is why I don't even bother to explain in real life, PP. People don't understand the finer details of life with a special needs child, because every child is different, and for some it's better for the parent to take over and manage their care. Left to the psychologists' and therapists' own guidance, my son would have achieved much less, and would probably not be college-bound. It's not their child, they don't live with him, they don't see the potential. I didn't want that for him, I knew he was intelligent and could achieve if we worked really hard to power through his physical issues and his learning disabilities. I have a neighbor who is doing the same thing for her child. I understand her even if others don't. So we worked together every afternoon for all of elementary and middle school (and then high school was thrown off by the pandemic).

You can't imagine the things this kid has had to do to get where he is, and I am the one who made that happen. He wrote his personal statement on it. It was really interesting to read it from his point of view.

[Anonymous]

I have an adult son with assorted disabilities who should be in college but is now sidelined due to additional health difficulties.

I think it’s a balance on how much therapy is necessary. More is not always better. And therapy clinics recommend very high levels of services (without insurance) that may not show results. Finally older teens need to agree to be treated.

I like spending time with my adult special needs kid teaching him how to do adult things, find a job, take walks, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My son was born premature. He had a global developmental delay. I had to quit my job to feed him myself, because he wouldn't eat at the crappy daycare we could afford.

Then he was diagnosed with severe ADHD and learning disabilities. I'm pretty sure he has a mild form of HFA as well.

I've never gone back to work. I took this kid, who doctors said might not ever be mainstreamed at school, and taught him myself, organized a physical education schedule myself, so that now he's a senior in high school, has done multiple AP courses and has already been accepted to one college.

But no one can measure how far he's come except me, since I did most of the work. My husband taught him to walk, and tutored him in math, but he that represents a fraction of what I had to do.

I try not to write this out too often, otherwise I cry. I'm crying now.

So I don't care what others think about my sacrifices, and how people told me "ADHD is overdiagnosed, boys will be boys, why don't you get a job, blah blah blah". My sacrifices were so worth it!

Did you homeschool him? Because not working while he was at school 35 hours a week for 13 years is not exactly a sacrifice.

Actually, it is a sacrifice. PP sacrificed money and possibly financial independence. That’s a huge sacrifice. I am in the same boat. I know I’m privileged in that I don’t have to work financially, but being financially dependent on my husband does scare me. And yet my child’s well-being is more important than assuaging my own fears.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it’s hard for parents of NT kids to really understand what it’s like to parent an SN kid, especially if they don’t outwardly appear SN. I avoid having these conversations unless it’s with someone I know will be supportive. I found the NAMI support group to be a good place to connect with other people when I need people who really get it.

+1 I'm no longer doing 3-5 therapy appointments a week (2 of 3 kids with ADHD/anxiety/LD) but I'm still doing so very much to support them where they need it and help them learn to be independent. It's not as consuming as it was but having an NT DC in the mix really highlights how much different kids with SN are from NT kids. It's not that my NT kid doesn't ever need support/help, she absolutely does. But, it's not as much for as long or at the same level of intensity.

I don't think I do too much for my kids with SN. The goals are independence, competence and confidence. That's a tall order for my 2 kids with SN.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My son was born premature. He had a global developmental delay. I had to quit my job to feed him myself, because he wouldn't eat at the crappy daycare we could afford.

Then he was diagnosed with severe ADHD and learning disabilities. I'm pretty sure he has a mild form of HFA as well.

I've never gone back to work. I took this kid, who doctors said might not ever be mainstreamed at school, and taught him myself, organized a physical education schedule myself, so that now he's a senior in high school, has done multiple AP courses and has already been accepted to one college.

But no one can measure how far he's come except me, since I did most of the work. My husband taught him to walk, and tutored him in math, but he that represents a fraction of what I had to do.

I try not to write this out too often, otherwise I cry. I'm crying now.

So I don't care what others think about my sacrifices, and how people told me "ADHD is overdiagnosed, boys will be boys, why don't you get a job, blah blah blah". My sacrifices were so worth it!

Did you homeschool him? Because not working while he was at school 35 hours a week for 13 years is not exactly a sacrifice.

PP you replied to. My STEM field is stressful and does not accept part-time work. It's full time or more than full time. When he was in daycare, I was still working 10 hour days. My son needed constant accompaniment when he was not at school, to re-learn what he'd missed, despite one-on-one aides at school, and to go to his therapies or practice his skills. So I could not work. We didn't have the money to hire a nanny for the afternoon, but I wouldn't have wanted to anyway, because the point was that I taught him quicker and better than any paid therapist would have done. I pushed hard for years. It's only in the last couple of years I've been able to step back, and my field has advanced in technologies that I never trained on, so it's really doubtful I'd be able to find work in it.

Your question is why I don't even bother to explain in real life, PP. People don't understand the finer details of life with a special needs child, because every child is different, and for some it's better for the parent to take over and manage their care. Left to the psychologists' and therapists' own guidance, my son would have achieved much less, and would probably not be college-bound. It's not their child, they don't live with him, they don't see the potential. I didn't want that for him, I knew he was intelligent and could achieve if we worked really hard to power through his physical issues and his learning disabilities. I have a neighbor who is doing the same thing for her child. I understand her even if others don't. So we worked together every afternoon for all of elementary and middle school (and then high school was thrown off by the pandemic).

You can't imagine the things this kid has had to do to get where he is, and I am the one who made that happen. He wrote his personal statement on it. It was really interesting to read it from his point of view.

OP here and thank you for your responses. I am in a situation where the advice my therapist gives and the advice my child’s therapist gives conflict. DD’s therapist talks about how much progress she has seen from various interventions and activities and says it’s really important that we keep it up, and I trust this therapist. My therapist on the other hand heavily implies that I’m sacrificing too much for DD and I should drop some things because teens require less time. I just can’t seem to convince him that it’s very valid to live my best life within the constructions that raising my child places on me instead of rejecting the advice of DD’s therapist. He talks abojt learned helplessness and it’s very frustrating. (Pretty sure I’m ditching the therapist after this conversation)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My son was born premature. He had a global developmental delay. I had to quit my job to feed him myself, because he wouldn't eat at the crappy daycare we could afford.

Then he was diagnosed with severe ADHD and learning disabilities. I'm pretty sure he has a mild form of HFA as well.

I've never gone back to work. I took this kid, who doctors said might not ever be mainstreamed at school, and taught him myself, organized a physical education schedule myself, so that now he's a senior in high school, has done multiple AP courses and has already been accepted to one college.

But no one can measure how far he's come except me, since I did most of the work. My husband taught him to walk, and tutored him in math, but he that represents a fraction of what I had to do.

I try not to write this out too often, otherwise I cry. I'm crying now.

So I don't care what others think about my sacrifices, and how people told me "ADHD is overdiagnosed, boys will be boys, why don't you get a job, blah blah blah". My sacrifices were so worth it!

Did you homeschool him? Because not working while he was at school 35 hours a week for 13 years is not exactly a sacrifice.

PP you replied to. My STEM field is stressful and does not accept part-time work. It's full time or more than full time. When he was in daycare, I was still working 10 hour days. My son needed constant accompaniment when he was not at school, to re-learn what he'd missed, despite one-on-one aides at school, and to go to his therapies or practice his skills. So I could not work. We didn't have the money to hire a nanny for the afternoon, but I wouldn't have wanted to anyway, because the point was that I taught him quicker and better than any paid therapist would have done. I pushed hard for years. It's only in the last couple of years I've been able to step back, and my field has advanced in technologies that I never trained on, so it's really doubtful I'd be able to find work in it.

Your question is why I don't even bother to explain in real life, PP. People don't understand the finer details of life with a special needs child, because every child is different, and for some it's better for the parent to take over and manage their care. Left to the psychologists' and therapists' own guidance, my son would have achieved much less, and would probably not be college-bound. It's not their child, they don't live with him, they don't see the potential. I didn't want that for him, I knew he was intelligent and could achieve if we worked really hard to power through his physical issues and his learning disabilities. I have a neighbor who is doing the same thing for her child. I understand her even if others don't. So we worked together every afternoon for all of elementary and middle school (and then high school was thrown off by the pandemic).

You can't imagine the things this kid has had to do to get where he is, and I am the one who made that happen. He wrote his personal statement on it. It was really interesting to read it from his point of view.

OP here and thank you for your responses. I am in a situation where the advice my therapist gives and the advice my child’s therapist gives conflict. DD’s therapist talks about how much progress she has seen from various interventions and activities and says it’s really important that we keep it up, and I trust this therapist. My therapist on the other hand heavily implies that I’m sacrificing too much for DD and I should drop some things because teens require less time. I just can’t seem to convince him that it’s very valid to live my best life within the constructions that raising my child places on me instead of rejecting the advice of DD’s therapist. He talks abojt learned helplessness and it’s very frustrating. (Pretty sure I’m ditching the therapist after this conversation)

Ugh- so sorry, OP- yes, definitely get yourself a new therapist. I have found a surprisingly large number of therapists have no formal training or understanding of ASD, including what it takes to parent them. The fact that he is talking to you about learned helplessness speaks volumes.

[Anonymous]

I am finally working full time again, but we are spending a ridiculous amount of money on private school for our ASD/ADHD teen. So basically my salary goes towards that.

For our total income, you'd assume we could vacation, date nights, and just generally relax financially. But no, all that (and more) is going towards tuition.

People don't see her as "that bad" so they don't understand the need for private school. But they don't see the whole picture.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My son was born premature. He had a global developmental delay. I had to quit my job to feed him myself, because he wouldn't eat at the crappy daycare we could afford.

Then he was diagnosed with severe ADHD and learning disabilities. I'm pretty sure he has a mild form of HFA as well.

I've never gone back to work. I took this kid, who doctors said might not ever be mainstreamed at school, and taught him myself, organized a physical education schedule myself, so that now he's a senior in high school, has done multiple AP courses and has already been accepted to one college.

But no one can measure how far he's come except me, since I did most of the work. My husband taught him to walk, and tutored him in math, but he that represents a fraction of what I had to do.

I try not to write this out too often, otherwise I cry. I'm crying now.

So I don't care what others think about my sacrifices, and how people told me "ADHD is overdiagnosed, boys will be boys, why don't you get a job, blah blah blah". My sacrifices were so worth it!

Did you homeschool him? Because not working while he was at school 35 hours a week for 13 years is not exactly a sacrifice.

PP you replied to. My STEM field is stressful and does not accept part-time work. It's full time or more than full time. When he was in daycare, I was still working 10 hour days. My son needed constant accompaniment when he was not at school, to re-learn what he'd missed, despite one-on-one aides at school, and to go to his therapies or practice his skills. So I could not work. We didn't have the money to hire a nanny for the afternoon, but I wouldn't have wanted to anyway, because the point was that I taught him quicker and better than any paid therapist would have done. I pushed hard for years. It's only in the last couple of years I've been able to step back, and my field has advanced in technologies that I never trained on, so it's really doubtful I'd be able to find work in it.

Your question is why I don't even bother to explain in real life, PP. People don't understand the finer details of life with a special needs child, because every child is different, and for some it's better for the parent to take over and manage their care. Left to the psychologists' and therapists' own guidance, my son would have achieved much less, and would probably not be college-bound. It's not their child, they don't live with him, they don't see the potential. I didn't want that for him, I knew he was intelligent and could achieve if we worked really hard to power through his physical issues and his learning disabilities. I have a neighbor who is doing the same thing for her child. I understand her even if others don't. So we worked together every afternoon for all of elementary and middle school (and then high school was thrown off by the pandemic).

You can't imagine the things this kid has had to do to get where he is, and I am the one who made that happen. He wrote his personal statement on it. It was really interesting to read it from his point of view.

OP here and thank you for your responses. I am in a situation where the advice my therapist gives and the advice my child’s therapist gives conflict. DD’s therapist talks about how much progress she has seen from various interventions and activities and says it’s really important that we keep it up, and I trust this therapist. My therapist on the other hand heavily implies that I’m sacrificing too much for DD and I should drop some things because teens require less time. I just can’t seem to convince him that it’s very valid to live my best life within the constructions that raising my child places on me instead of rejecting the advice of DD’s therapist. He talks abojt learned helplessness and it’s very frustrating. (Pretty sure I’m ditching the therapist after this conversation)

I wouldn't be so quick to cast your therapist as an enemy of your kid's progress. Both things can be true - you can be making amazing progress and your kid could benefit from taking point more often instead of you handling everything.

Not to mention, many times moms find their breaking point by passing it. If your therapist consistently tells you you're sacrificing too much, you might want to frame the conversation as what you can do to support yourself so that you can continue to show up for DD, not as a way of pawning her off.

[Anonymous]

OP that learned helplessness comment makes my blood boil! Providing appropriate, required supports for a neurodivergent child is NOT creating learned helplessness! SN kids have to work so much harder to do the same things NT kids do because of their disabilities. Parent support into adolescence and adulthood may be required. That may be hard for a non-SN parent to understand but I am shocked that a therapist wouldn't know better than to say something stupid like that (and I am assuming this therapist doesn't have a SN child!)