What limits do you have around “I have to have this or I won’t fit in” “I’ll get made fun of”?
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Anonymous
Snort. I grew up in the flyover Midwest. I assure you, "Superficiality" exists everywhere. |
Anonymous
I went to a private school in a rural area on the other coast and the kids all had their Guess jeans, Swatch watches, Caboodles, Hawaii vacations, etc. We were poor, so I think the only fad thing I had was a Trapper Keeper  I don't recall being teased too much about my clothes, but there is certainly an element of envy when you are missing out on the shared fads of your peers.
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Anonymous
| Isn't it a parents job to instill in their kids not to care about this stuff? Dc forums are loaded with is my child too old comments for fear of buying. |
Anonymous
NP. That's weird. Not my experience. But since you and your DH met all the people in an entire metro area, you know best. |
Anonymous
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For us, it's a balancing act. In a nutshell, they decide what they most want and why, I try not to judge their reasons, and together we figure out budgets and tradeoffs. The end result is they get "some" but not "all" of what they want, and hopefully are learning some life lessons along the way.
From the start, I've tried to tap into empathy re their desire to "fit in" and avoid negative attention. As an adult, it can seem materialistic/spoiled or even silly, but for tweens and teens, it's actually very normal (though not universal) and developmentally appropriate. Fitting in, blending in, and wanting what everyone else has is actually about being accepted by the the "tribe" or "pack" . . . exactly the stage of development that's normal for teens. Even so, most of them (including my DCs) find ways to balance that "fitting in" desire with an opposite desire to be "authentic" and true to themselves - which is quite the balancing act and often hard to pull off! LOL. But it's all part of growing up, and something I remember my own tween/teen days well, so I try not to be dismissive when they like or want something simply because it's what everyone else has. And I'm choosing to see this as a PHASE. It's not necessarily forever. Just like I'm no longer so fixated on buying lots of things to "fit in" (I grew out of that phase in my later teens), I try not to worry that DCs' teen cravings say much about their adult character or future. Just because they want Lululemon everything right now doesn't necessarily mean they'll always be so label and status conscious. But all that said, empathy only goes so far. In practice, I'm all about balance and limits! The basic idea is that THEY need to figure out what they value most - what are the items that are most important to them - and then how will the manage the tradeoffs. For example, if what they want is more expensive than what I usually spend (a $70 sweatshirt rather than a $30 sweatshirt . . . $98 leggings instead of $30 leggings), they/we either need to source it in a more frugal way (resale store, PoshMark, sales/markdowns), wait for their birthday or Christmas, or accept that they will have only one/fewer/not that other thing that they also want. For me, that's the *life lesson* here. I'm hoping to give my teens experience prioritizing what they value (and I try not to judge their reasons), figuring out how to get it in the most efficient/appropriate way, and identifying what they're willing to give up to make it happen. Fingers crossed . . . . |
Anonymous
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I think my parents did a decent job navigating this and I hope to do the same. They set a budget and I could buy some, but not all, of the coveted items. I also could buy them with my babysitting money. That helped me understand the cost and motivated me to take care of my things.
They also talked to me about finding my own style and having friends who cared about me and not what I owned. The older and more confident I became, the less the material things mattered. When my kids are in their awkward stages or at transition points where they are trying to establish new / different friend groups, I’ll probably give in more to help smooth the teenage fear of embarrassment. Having something that makes you feel pretty or cool can help a lot with how you present yourself to the world. |
Anonymous
I don’t know. I didn’t grow up wealthy and was often embarrassed by my outfits, but I always felt on top of the moon, pretty, and confident when I was put together in nice, trendy clothing. |
Anonymous
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Unless your kid goes to a really small or homogeneous school, there should be plenty of all kinds of kids around that they won't stand out or not fit in. Perhaps there is a particular group they're interested in, in which case, the clothes may or may not help.
We can afford to buy DD whatever she wants. We don't. She gets money, that she can choose to spend in ways she wants. Sometimes she makes bad choices, but that's okay, because she'll come to realize later that those were bad choices, and why. She mostly wears what most kids her age wear, from where most kids get their stuff from - anything from Target, to thrift stores, to Aerie. Sometimes, she'll get dupes from Amazon, because sticker shock. The most expensive thing I've bought for her recently, is her Converse, for Christmas. The previous one she had was literally falling apart, she's worn it that much. I am considering getting her a Define jacket (which she desperately wanted for Christmas) for her birthday. Or give her $250, and she can choose whether it's really worth it. |
Anonymous
| I would do what you can to get some of that stuff. Not all of it of course but a few choice items. It’s important to feel like you fit in at that age. |
Anonymous
X a million. Esp if you have the means for it. |
Anonymous
| It's better to buy them something they will wear all the time. Give her a budget and see what she wants to do with it. |
Anonymous
I like this advice. |
Anonymous
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I'm probably an outlier here, but I am pro-active in making sure my kid has whatever is needed in terms of not getting made fun of and looking cool and so on. This is because I was bullied mercilessly as a child, to the point where I actually have PTSD because of it. I will literally do anything and everything to eliminate any possible reason for my kid to get teased or bullied or excluded or whatever.
Naturally, my kid could not care less what he wears, and would go to school in a paper bag if I let him. |
Anonymous
| OP, you could have a platinum Amex with no limit & your kid would never have the right clothes. Spend some money on a therapist instead & help the kid feel comfortable with themself. |
Anonymous
| I like for kids to have skin in the game. If they want something expensive, they can earn money (chores, babysitting, tutoring, etc.) in order to help pay for those things. I think it’s a good life lesson that they need to work for the things they want. I also talk to my daughter about not buying things impulsively and waiting to purchase things in case the desire to own something is short lived. Lastly, when my daughter said that a middle school classmate perceived her as being poor because her phone was a basic old Android, we set up a teen bank account for her with about $1,000 and began giving her an allowance. Suddenly, she didn’t want to spend all her money to buy an iPhone but felt empowered because she did have the money to buy one if she wanted. She eventually saved up her babysitting/birthday/holiday gift money and bought her own iPhone in 8th grade. She is so proud that she bought that phone with her savings/gifts/earnings instead of just having it handed to her. |