What limits do you have around “I have to have this or I won’t fit in” “I’ll get made fun of”?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm probably an outlier here, but I am pro-active in making sure my kid has whatever is needed in terms of not getting made fun of and looking cool and so on. This is because I was bullied mercilessly as a child, to the point where I actually have PTSD because of it. I will literally do anything and everything to eliminate any possible reason for my kid to get teased or bullied or excluded or whatever.

Naturally, my kid could not care less what he wears, and would go to school in a paper bag if I let him.

this is me too and my kid is popular and has her own style and generally isn't looking for all the labels BUT I have purchased A pair of Lululemon leggings, dunks, and Levis jeans because that is what she wanted. The rest of stuff is a mix of pac sun t-shirts, Hollister and Nordstrom BP things.

I do think so of the superficial things are important at this age. They are probably important for adults too.

[Anonymous]

The Real Real/Poshmark is your friend here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is one of the reasons we moved out of the DMV. The importance placed on superficiality rather than substance didn't align with our ethics. We moved to a major city, and while yes some kids have dunks, kids also praise other kids for their creativity in fashion choices, and nobody teases anyone for anything that could be related to being poor. Our kids can buy fancy things with babysitting (or other job) money - one got a Kate Spade purse she'd wanted for almost a year.

Growing up in a small town in the rural Midwest, there was still just as much pressure to dress to fit in—it’s just it came at a lower dollar price point because no one has Gucci money.

[Anonymous]

I had no limits and I’m probably still paying off some of their clothes 6 years later.

[Anonymous]

I get some things, but not everything. If there is something special they really want, they can save up birthday money and do chores around the house to earn extra money. With shoes, my rule has always been that until their feet stop growing we will be looking for sales and not following every trend.

[Anonymous]

You are creating an issue by not saying no. Tell her to babysit and she can spend 1/3 on what she wants.

[Anonymous]

My mom was the ideal parent for this: she always bought me name brand sneakers and let me wear makeup and shave when I wanted. Most teenagers have a billion reasons to be self-conscious, if you have the means to make this (very short!) time slightly less horrible, please do. It is very easy for adults to say „who cares?“ and wax poetic about the virtues of nonconformity from the comfort of their stable work and marriage - have some grace for your teenager.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mom was the ideal parent for this: she always bought me name brand sneakers and let me wear makeup and shave when I wanted. Most teenagers have a billion reasons to be self-conscious, if you have the means to make this (very short!) time slightly less horrible, please do. It is very easy for adults to say „who cares?“ and wax poetic about the virtues of nonconformity from the comfort of their stable work and marriage - have some grace for your teenager.

I agree….BUT, trends are changing so fast! Way faster than when we were young. And items are more expensive now. So, with that, it’s impossible to keep up on every trend. You must pick and choose.

Does she have any money? Maybe you can split the cost of whatever she wants. Don’t get her a purse if she won’t wear the purse. I have a 12 and 15 year old, and they would never wear a Mark Jacob’s purse but they would definitely wear Jordan’s.

They just have to be comfortable not having everything. While it may “seem” like everyone else has everything, we adults know that’s not true

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is one of the reasons we moved out of the DMV. The importance placed on superficiality rather than substance didn't align with our ethics. We moved to a major city, and while yes some kids have dunks, kids also praise other kids for their creativity in fashion choices, and nobody teases anyone for anything that could be related to being poor. Our kids can buy fancy things with babysitting (or other job) money - one got a Kate Spade purse she'd wanted for almost a year.

One of the reasons? I really hope it was reason number 982634512490, because otherwise you're painting an entire region with a very broad, and ignorant brush... We live in a wealthy district in the DC area and no kids I know are how you and OP describe. We've lived here 23 years.

Lol, yes, there were a lot of other reasons. But Dh and I both noticed how much people, both kids and adults, are into status symbols in every way - clothes, shoes, cars, bags, etc.

I’ve lived here over 25 years and have yet to observe this. I’ve had out of town friends comment on the fact that there aren’t visible brands and logos.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is one of the reasons we moved out of the DMV. The importance placed on superficiality rather than substance didn't align with our ethics. We moved to a major city, and while yes some kids have dunks, kids also praise other kids for their creativity in fashion choices, and nobody teases anyone for anything that could be related to being poor. Our kids can buy fancy things with babysitting (or other job) money - one got a Kate Spade purse she'd wanted for almost a year.

One of the reasons? I really hope it was reason number 982634512490, because otherwise you're painting an entire region with a very broad, and ignorant brush... We live in a wealthy district in the DC area and no kids I know are how you and OP describe. We've lived here 23 years.

Lol, yes, there were a lot of other reasons. But Dh and I both noticed how much people, both kids and adults, are into status symbols in every way - clothes, shoes, cars, bags, etc.

I’ve lived here over 25 years and have yet to observe this. I’ve had out of town friends comment on the fact that there aren’t visible brands and logos.

You can’t be serious. People are SO into conspicuous consumption here.

[Anonymous]

You say no. You instill better values. You help her get a job. You volunteer with her at a facility serving the less fortunate. That is how you parent this issue.

[Anonymous]

I’ve managed by getting them a couple of items they really want and they mix it with more basics. For example, my daughter really wanted a Lululemon jacket. I hear how all do the middle school girls have them… so we got her one and she wears it with her plain black leggings from Old Navy.

Same idea for my son. He lives in hoodies. I’ll spend the money on one he will wear constantly but he pairs them with solid inexpensive athletic shorts without a logo that don’t stand out or matter as much.

[Anonymous]

Schools need uniforms. This is nuts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is this a problem at the wealthier schools? I've never heard my daughter ask for brand name. In fact she likes shopping at thrift stores (we can afford more). She and her friends find it cool. In any case, I wouldn't just let her have what she wants, I would allow one nice thing like the shoes and then build a wardrobe around it from cheaper places.

Think about the future--do you want your future adults dependent only on the top brand of everything? Or flexible if they have poorer budgets while they're starting out. So many people blow their budgets on fashion that they can't afford their CC bills.

My kids are at what’s considered a wealthy private and it’s not really a thing. They still have uniforms through 8th grade and there are limits on what shoes they can wear. I’d say a lot of the kids are in to certain nikes for sports but that’s about it. None of the 9th graders even carry purses and for the clothing items they are really not brand obsessed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm probably an outlier here, but I am pro-active in making sure my kid has whatever is needed in terms of not getting made fun of and looking cool and so on. This is because I was bullied mercilessly as a child, to the point where I actually have PTSD because of it. I will literally do anything and everything to eliminate any possible reason for my kid to get teased or bullied or excluded or whatever.

Naturally, my kid could not care less what he wears, and would go to school in a paper bag if I let him.

The problem is that it’s ineffective. If he wears the “right” clothes, they will tease him about his name, his appearance, the look on his face, etc. Bullies target weakness, not just kids in cheap shoes.