What limits do you have around “I have to have this or I won’t fit in” “I’ll get made fun of”?
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Anonymous
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7th grader has big emotions on having clothing items that others will not make fun of.
I went to uniform school where it was on a lesser level, moreso when athletic shoe days were allowed but DH says it was a huge thing for him growing up also that he had to wear certain brands because there were people who would tease you and make your days miserable. As a parent I have always been more of a bargain shopper because kids grow fast and at that time no one had opinions on the brand or style they wore. Now we are talking about wanting or needing Marc Jacobs bags, Jordan’s, Uggs, Dunks, Docs, Converse - all of which are not inexpensive for a growing almost teenager. I’ve heard of other adults outside of my husband talking about their childhood traumas over not fitting in because they wore non-name brand clothing so I understand it can cause long lasting trauma. For Christmas she did receive Ugg slide and a pair of Dunks. But it seems she may be behind what others have/own or wear. What do you find has worked in your home or what is reasonable in this day and age? How many of these types of designer items does your child own or should I look into adding to what she recently received? Am I behind the curve? |
Anonymous
| Set a clothing budget and let tween/teen decide how to spend it and/or purchase trendy items using their own money. |
Anonymous
I agree with this but I also think what you are buying the alternative matters. I don't really know the current equivalent, but, for example, my mom was buying KMart, which was a huge no-no. I have to imagine there is a middle ground between the latest, greatest, most expensive and the Kmart equivalent. It also matters what your actual finances are. My mom bought Kmart because we didn't have a lot of money. That is different from having plenty of money, but just being frugal with your kids' clothes because you as an adult don't think fashion is important and have decided that your kids *shouldn't* think it's important. |
Anonymous
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In your situation, my limit is money. Agree with setting a budget and then allowing them some freedom in allocating the budget. If they want to buy a Marc Jacobs purse and then buy leggings and tees on sale at Nordstrom Rack, that's fine with me as long as the clothes aren't so disposable that they are falling apart and they need new ones immediately. Also, by teen years growing out of things is less of an issue so if they take good care of their clothes, they may not need to buy new things every year. If they want to blow their clothes budget on a brand name luxury item, I will allow it if they are willing to simply wear last year's clothes again. That's a perfectly acceptable approach to a clothing budget provided they take care of clothes well enough.
But if your kid complains that they need ALL the status items -- Docs, a specific purse, expensive makeup, high end leggings and outwear, then it's time to have a conversation about money and status and what exactly it is they need to prove. It's normal to want a consumer good that many of your friends have. And if you are sending your kid to private or to a high SES public, I think it's ridiculous to just say no to all of it -- sometimes kids want to fit in. I know what it is to be the kid who can never have any of the stuff other kids have, whether it's clothes or activities or vacations or concert tickets. It's miserable and it does impact your social opportunities. But you don't need everything to fit in. At some point you have to use your social skills and personality to make friends. If that's not happening, that's where the effort needs to go, not on acquiring luxury goods. |
Anonymous
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A lot of factors.
What type of school environment is your child in? Is this a private school or a wealthy public school (not wealthy school district but wealthy school)? How is your kid doing socially? Can you afford the items? My thought is yes I think this type of thing is real in certain school environments and certain kids are going to feel it more acutely than others. If you put her in the type of environment where this stuff is the norm and you can genuinely afford to get her some things and you can see she is possibly struggling, then yes t would help her fit in. |
Anonymous
This varies by school. You need to get an objective view of what others are wearing. Your DD won't give it to you. |
Anonymous
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Is this a problem at the wealthier schools? I've never heard my daughter ask for brand name. In fact she likes shopping at thrift stores (we can afford more). She and her friends find it cool. In any case, I wouldn't just let her have what she wants, I would allow one nice thing like the shoes and then build a wardrobe around it from cheaper places.
Think about the future--do you want your future adults dependent only on the top brand of everything? Or flexible if they have poorer budgets while they're starting out. So many people blow their budgets on fashion that they can't afford their CC bills. |
Anonymous
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My kids revel in their status as outsiders, so I haven't been tested in that area yet. Usually I'm the one suggesting that X and Y is what teens are into these days. Which is roundly laughed at by my 17 and 12 year olds, who are fine not having the latest gadgets, and whose clothes come from Land's End and such.
And we live in Bethesda with the rich people. Some kids drive to school in Teslas and Jeeps. |
Anonymous
| This is one of the reasons we moved out of the DMV. The importance placed on superficiality rather than substance didn't align with our ethics. We moved to a major city, and while yes some kids have dunks, kids also praise other kids for their creativity in fashion choices, and nobody teases anyone for anything that could be related to being poor. Our kids can buy fancy things with babysitting (or other job) money - one got a Kate Spade purse she'd wanted for almost a year. |
Anonymous
| For me, when my kid was that concerned about labels, etc, I started to worry about her overall self esteem. Because if they're secure in themselves, they don't need fancy brands. So I made sure she was in outside activities that she enjoyed and felt successful in, which helped her withstand others at school who were focused on how things looked. |
Anonymous
One of the reasons? I really hope it was reason number 982634512490, because otherwise you're painting an entire region with a very broad, and ignorant brush... We live in a wealthy district in the DC area and no kids I know are how you and OP describe. We've lived here 23 years. |
Anonymous
| This exactly. If your child suffers from low self-esteem, the brand names won’t do a thing to help them feel accepted. All kids want to look good and fit in at some point but buying the “right” things isn’t going to be a magic bullet and as parents we need to teach our children to value themselves more than that. If you can afford the nice things, there is no reason to withhold them but be clear that a person is much more than the clothes they wear or these trends will be quickly discarded as they search for the next intangible to boost their self-worth. |
Anonymous
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I’m willing to buy some things. I also try to give them advice on mixing and matching stuff.
I’ll be really honest - I don’t buy cheap shoes, so the shoes you listed wouldn’t phase me. My kids know most of what I buy will be on sale. As an example, the classic Doc Martens are $100 and their Chelsea boots are $96. That’s pretty much how much decent shoes cost in 2023. So I’d buy the Dunks and the Chelsea boots, and she’d have to fill in any gaps (or whatever). A big BUT here - my kids are not hard on shoes and wear them at least 6 months. They are still wearing the sneakers I bought in August. I agree that she needs to start to understand what she REALLY needs. Is it the shoes? The purse? A really cool jacket? She also needs to understand expensive jeans (or whatever) means one pair instead of 3 or 4. My middle schooler got a Nike Tech suit for his birthday. So he gets one outfit instead of 4. |
Anonymous
Lol, yes, there were a lot of other reasons. But Dh and I both noticed how much people, both kids and adults, are into status symbols in every way - clothes, shoes, cars, bags, etc. |
Anonymous
| DD (who is only 12) is remarkably interested in labels. She is still growing at a rapid clip and I hate wasting money on fancy clothes that she will rapidly outgrow. Solution: We figure out the most extreme "must have items" and find them used on Poshmark or ebay. |