Reply to What limits do you have around “I have to have this or I won’t fit in” “I’ll get made fun of”?

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Reply to "What limits do you have around “I have to have this or I won’t fit in” “I’ll get made fun of”?"

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[quote=Anonymous]For us, it's a balancing act.  In a nutshell, they decide what they most want and why, I try not to judge their reasons, and together we figure out budgets and tradeoffs. The end result is they get "some" but not "all" of what they want, and hopefully are learning some life lessons along the way.

From the start, I've tried to tap into empathy re their desire to "fit in" and avoid negative attention.  As an adult, it can seem materialistic/spoiled or even silly, but for tweens and teens, it's actually very normal (though not universal) and developmentally appropriate.  Fitting in, blending in, and wanting what everyone else has is actually about being accepted by the the "tribe" or "pack" . . . exactly the stage of development that's normal for teens.  Even so, most of them (including my DCs) find ways to balance that "fitting in" desire with an opposite desire to be "authentic" and true to themselves - which is quite the balancing act and often hard to pull off!  LOL.  But it's all part of growing up, and something I remember my own tween/teen days well, so I try not to be dismissive when they like or want something simply because it's what everyone else has.

And I'm choosing to see this as a PHASE.  It's not necessarily forever.  Just like I'm no longer so fixated on buying lots of things to "fit in" (I grew out of that phase in my later teens), I try not to worry that DCs' teen cravings say much about their adult character or future.  Just because they want Lululemon everything right now doesn't necessarily mean they'll always be so label and status conscious.

But all that said, empathy only goes so far.  In practice, I'm all about balance and limits!  The basic idea is that THEY need to figure out what they value most - what are the items that are most important to them - and then how will the manage the tradeoffs.

For example, if what they want is more expensive than what I usually spend (a $70 sweatshirt rather than a $30 sweatshirt . . . $98 leggings instead of $30 leggings), they/we either need to source it in a more frugal way (resale store, PoshMark, sales/markdowns), wait for their birthday or Christmas, or accept that they will have only one/fewer/not that other thing that they also want.

For me, that's the *life lesson* here.  I'm hoping to give my teens experience prioritizing what they value (and I try not to judge their reasons), figuring out how to get it in the most efficient/appropriate way, and identifying what they're willing to give up to make it happen. Fingers crossed . . . .

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