Friend's 20 yo son being taken advantage of by 40 yo "girlfriend"

[Anonymous]

My mother used to threaten suicide. I used to fall for it.

Then one day I called 911 and told them "my mother wjomlibws in another state just told me she's going to kill herself."

They sent the police and she never did it again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mother used to threaten suicide. I used to fall for it.

Then one day I called 911 and told them "my mother wjomlibws in another state just told me she's going to kill herself."

They sent the police and she never did it again.

Sorry you had to go through that PP. no excuse for a parent to do that to a child.

[Anonymous]

I was in the same situation- I was 20 with a much older man who would threaten suicide. What he needs is:

1. Support from his parents to speak freely and make his own choice, without pressure or being told what to do. Lots and lots of empathy.

2. Normalizing what a healthy relationship looks like. There is a TON of toxic messaging that you are supposed to stay with your partner no matter what, through sickness, etc. People are crucified for leaving a partner with mental health issues because they should be “helping” them. His parents can explain that’s not what healthy relationships are, healthy relationships make both people better and happier.

3. An explanation that suicide is a very real medical danger, the same as threatening to kill someone else, and needs to be handled by professionals. Calling 911 is an appropriate reaction, but if he’s too scared for that, he can call a suicide hotline and get guidance. Often the hotline will call the person threatening suicide.

I do NOT agree with telling her to “go ahead”. That’s not healthy behavior, and the fact that he is caring is a GOOD thing. He can have empathy for her and still get out of the relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was in the same situation- I was 20 with a much older man who would threaten suicide. What he needs is:

1. Support from his parents to speak freely and make his own choice, without pressure or being told what to do. Lots and lots of empathy.

2. Normalizing what a healthy relationship looks like. There is a TON of toxic messaging that you are supposed to stay with your partner no matter what, through sickness, etc. People are crucified for leaving a partner with mental health issues because they should be “helping” them. His parents can explain that’s not what healthy relationships are, healthy relationships make both people better and happier.

3. An explanation that suicide is a very real medical danger, the same as threatening to kill someone else, and needs to be handled by professionals. Calling 911 is an appropriate reaction, but if he’s too scared for that, he can call a suicide hotline and get guidance. Often the hotline will call the person threatening suicide.

I do NOT agree with telling her to “go ahead”. That’s not healthy behavior, and the fact that he is caring is a GOOD thing. He can have empathy for her and still get out of the relationship.

PP this is really good advice, thank you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The next time gf threatens to swallow a bottle of pills I would tell her to go ahead. She is a manipulator and she will never actually do it. That would be enough for me to never speak to her again.

DONT do this, he could be held liable if she does.

If she theaters suicide he needs to treat it like an emergency and call 911.

OP here - good point, thank you.

What kind of crazy talk is this? No, OP, your son is not responsible for the mental health and well-being of another adult. There is no way that he would be liable for her choices unless he were actively encouraging her to hurt herself.

Have him say, ONCE, “I am worried for you, but I am not able to give you the help and support you need. Please call your doctor, a friend, or 911 if you feel like you are planning to hurt yourself. I am not interested in continuing our relationship, and I need you to honor that. Please do not contact me again.”

Have you not seen the lawsuits where people are prosecuted for encouraging suicide?

A 20 year old can’t say all of what you’ve written. He’s a kid, for gods sake. He needs it simple. If she threatened suicide, it’s an emergency and he calls 911. Just like if she threatened to kill someone else.

Np here. You're mistaken. The cases you are speaking of involve taunting someone to kill themselves.
Not saying go ahead.
That said the best advice is to call 911 and say my girlfriend is threatening to Jill herself

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The next time gf threatens to swallow a bottle of pills I would tell her to go ahead. She is a manipulator and she will never actually do it. That would be enough for me to never speak to her again.

OP here - that last sentence is a good way to put it. Thank you

He can tell her he will call 911 (rather than saying “go ahead.”) He can give her hotline number and resources, and then step away. Even if she *does* swallow a bottle of pills, it is not his fault or responsibility. He cannot be held hostage/

Exactly this.
He can't be blackmailed into a relationship!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The next time gf threatens to swallow a bottle of pills I would tell her to go ahead. She is a manipulator and she will never actually do it. That would be enough for me to never speak to her again.

This

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The next time gf threatens to swallow a bottle of pills I would tell her to go ahead. She is a manipulator and she will never actually do it. That would be enough for me to never speak to her again.

Wrong reply. To anyone who threatens suicide as a means of manipulation you say this. The next time you threaten to kill yourself, I will take you seriously and call 911. They will pick you up and, even if you tell them you were only kidding, they will hold you in the physc ward for observation for at least 24 hours, maybe longer and possibly strapped down. They have no other choice and you leave me no other choice. I won't be responsible for your suicide because I didn't act when you told me.

Believe me, she won't even try that again. BTDT and that advice is straight from a psychiatrist.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was in the same situation- I was 20 with a much older man who would threaten suicide. What he needs is:

1. Support from his parents to speak freely and make his own choice, without pressure or being told what to do. Lots and lots of empathy.

2. Normalizing what a healthy relationship looks like. There is a TON of toxic messaging that you are supposed to stay with your partner no matter what, through sickness, etc. People are crucified for leaving a partner with mental health issues because they should be “helping” them. His parents can explain that’s not what healthy relationships are, healthy relationships make both people better and happier.

3. An explanation that suicide is a very real medical danger, the same as threatening to kill someone else, and needs to be handled by professionals. Calling 911 is an appropriate reaction, but if he’s too scared for that, he can call a suicide hotline and get guidance. Often the hotline will call the person threatening suicide.

I do NOT agree with telling her to “go ahead”. That’s not healthy behavior, and the fact that he is caring is a GOOD thing. He can have empathy for her and still get out of the relationship.

NP. An excellent post. I would add -- 1, 2 and 3 are great but the guy may need a clearer prompt for how to BREAK UP with this woman. If he continues to see her on any level at all, she will keep hoping and keep making her threats to try to hang onto him. If he wants to break up he needs words for it. If he says "Next time you make that threat I'll call 911" -- that means he will see her a "next time." Which, if he wants out, he shouldn't do. I think an earlier PP had a good though too-long script. Shorten it to: "I'm concerned when you make these threats. Here's the number of a crisis hotline. I need to end our relationship and am asking you not contact me again, but please call this hotline." If she contacts him with threats of suicide, he does not reply directly to HER -- he calls 911 and tells them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The next time gf threatens to swallow a bottle of pills I would tell her to go ahead. She is a manipulator and she will never actually do it. That would be enough for me to never speak to her again.

DONT do this, he could be held liable if she does.

If she theaters suicide he needs to treat it like an emergency and call 911.

OP here - good point, thank you.

What kind of crazy talk is this? No, OP, your son is not responsible for the mental health and well-being of another adult. There is no way that he would be liable for her choices unless he were actively encouraging her to hurt herself.

Have him say, ONCE, “I am worried for you, but I am not able to give you the help and support you need. Please call your doctor, a friend, or 911 if you feel like you are planning to hurt yourself. I am not interested in continuing our relationship, and I need you to honor that. Please do not contact me again.”

Have you not seen the lawsuits where people are prosecuted for encouraging suicide?

A 20 year old can’t say all of what you’ve written. He’s a kid, for gods sake. He needs it simple. If she threatened suicide, it’s an emergency and he calls 911. Just like if she threatened to kill someone else.

Np here. You're mistaken. The cases you are speaking of involve taunting someone to kill themselves.
Not saying go ahead.
That said the best advice is to call 911 and say my girlfriend is threatening to Jill herself

Cops don’t care about that unless it’s in public.

[Anonymous]

Adding -- I know this is not your own son, OP, and this is (as someone said) kind of a game of "telephone," but if I were his mom and he were asking for advice I'd be sure to tell him I thought she was seeking a baby daddy and if he gets her pregnant she and her threats and mental issues will be in his life for the entire rest of his life. So end any sex, immediately, no matter how much she begs, cries or pleads. She may be lying to him about being on birth control, may have told him she can't have kids etc. At 20, he's likely to believe whatever she says on that subject.

Just adding this thought in addition to the posts above about what he should say when she makes threats of self-harm.

[Anonymous]

If 911 was called and came to check on her, I'll bet she'd think twice about making manipulative threats again.

She is an immature person with a bounty of other problems. He needs to make a quick exit.

I can't believe how many women on this site think women should wait until their 30s to get married and have kids as if maturity magically clicks in then. Immature, dysfunctional people remain immature, dysfunctional people well into their twilight years. Look at all the posts on this site about nutjob grandparents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Adding -- I know this is not your own son, OP, and this is (as someone said) kind of a game of "telephone," but if I were his mom and he were asking for advice I'd be sure to tell him I thought she was seeking a baby daddy and if he gets her pregnant she and her threats and mental issues will be in his life for the entire rest of his life. So end any sex, immediately, no matter how much she begs, cries or pleads. She may be lying to him about being on birth control, may have told him she can't have kids etc. At 20, he's likely to believe whatever she says on that subject.

Just adding this thought in addition to the posts above about what he should say when she makes threats of self-harm.

I know a successful man who was hoodwinked this way. He met a Czech woman, blonde, sexy, beautiful and she promptly got pregnant and announced it during the holidays in front of both families. His parents were laying it hard on him to give them grandchildren so he married her. Within a year of the marriage there were fist-fights, but more kids. It was ugly ugly ugly. She already had another kid which should have been a red flag to everybody involved. He has to deal with this hysterical mother of his children for the rest of his life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Adding -- I know this is not your own son, OP, and this is (as someone said) kind of a game of "telephone," but if I were his mom and he were asking for advice I'd be sure to tell him I thought she was seeking a baby daddy and if he gets her pregnant she and her threats and mental issues will be in his life for the entire rest of his life. So end any sex, immediately, no matter how much she begs, cries or pleads. She may be lying to him about being on birth control, may have told him she can't have kids etc. At 20, he's likely to believe whatever she says on that subject.

Just adding this thought in addition to the posts above about what he should say when she makes threats of self-harm.

I know a successful man who was hoodwinked this way. He met a Czech woman, blonde, sexy, beautiful and she promptly got pregnant and announced it during the holidays in front of both families. His parents were laying it hard on him to give them grandchildren so he married her. Within a year of the marriage there were fist-fights, but more kids. It was ugly ugly ugly. She already had another kid which should have been a red flag to everybody involved. He has to deal with this hysterical mother of his children for the rest of his life.

Why didn’t he know that sticking his d!ck in a woman could cause pregnancy? Did his parents not teach him?

[Anonymous]

She must be insane in bed. Good for the kid.