Friend's 20 yo son being taken advantage of by 40 yo "girlfriend"

[Anonymous]

I called my good friend in another state yesterday to catch up. She says her 20 yo son was dating a 40 yo for a few months. The gf apparently has no children or stable job and has been married before. He has tried to break it off with the gf but she will say things like she will swallow a bottle of pills if he breaks up with her. My friend is concerned the gf's objective may be to have a child with him. This would be not ideal for many reasons. On the one hand she could just stand back and let her son figure this out. On the other hand, stakes are somewhat high if this happens - she and her husband likely would have to deal with the fall out if there is a baby involved. She asked what would I do. I think my kids are sufficiently suspicious of other peoples' motives that they would not engage. Anyway my answer to her was maybe he can very kindly tell her that he needs to be on his own right now and that he will not be able to engage in communication for his own mental health reasons and that he hopes she understands. Is that the right approach in this type of situation? TIA for your kind insights.

[Anonymous]

The next time gf threatens to swallow a bottle of pills I would tell her to go ahead. She is a manipulator and she will never actually do it. That would be enough for me to never speak to her again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The next time gf threatens to swallow a bottle of pills I would tell her to go ahead. She is a manipulator and she will never actually do it. That would be enough for me to never speak to her again.

OP here - that last sentence is a good way to put it. Thank you

[Anonymous]

So OP wants advice to give to her to give to her girlfriend to give to her girlfriend’s son? It’s like the game telephone for adults.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The next time gf threatens to swallow a bottle of pills I would tell her to go ahead. She is a manipulator and she will never actually do it. That would be enough for me to never speak to her again.

DONT do this, he could be held liable if she does.

If she theaters suicide he needs to treat it like an emergency and call 911.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So OP wants advice to give to her to give to her girlfriend to give to her girlfriend’s son? It’s like the game telephone for adults.

OP - yes it is attenuated. It has to do with the ideal way to break it off with someone who might not be stable. So yes, crowdsourcing since I didn't really have any advice other than don't engage in the first place.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The next time gf threatens to swallow a bottle of pills I would tell her to go ahead. She is a manipulator and she will never actually do it. That would be enough for me to never speak to her again.

DONT do this, he could be held liable if she does.

If she theaters suicide he needs to treat it like an emergency and call 911.

OP here - good point, thank you.

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm assuming the young man involved has the sense to want to get out of this situation, and just doesn't know the best way to do it? If so, tell him to drop her cold. Block her on the phone, stop taking calls, etc. There is no easing out of something like this. He can tell her - once - that he doesn't want to see her anymore, and then needs to go cold turkey.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The next time gf threatens to swallow a bottle of pills I would tell her to go ahead. She is a manipulator and she will never actually do it. That would be enough for me to never speak to her again.

DONT do this, he could be held liable if she does.

If she theaters suicide he needs to treat it like an emergency and call 911.

I don’t think he would be liable but still not a nice thing to encourage somebody to commit suicide. He needs to create some healthy boundaries in his relationship by not giving into her threats.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The next time gf threatens to swallow a bottle of pills I would tell her to go ahead. She is a manipulator and she will never actually do it. That would be enough for me to never speak to her again.

DONT do this, he could be held liable if she does.

If she theaters suicide he needs to treat it like an emergency and call 911.

I don’t think he would be liable but still not a nice thing to encourage somebody to commit suicide. He needs to create some healthy boundaries in his relationship by not giving into her threats.

He would not be liable because this is not something she would ever actually do. It’s just a manipulation tactic and I would not indulge her ridiculous behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The next time gf threatens to swallow a bottle of pills I would tell her to go ahead. She is a manipulator and she will never actually do it. That would be enough for me to never speak to her again.

OP here - that last sentence is a good way to put it. Thank you

He can tell her he will call 911 (rather than saying “go ahead.”) He can give her hotline number and resources, and then step away. Even if she *does* swallow a bottle of pills, it is not his fault or responsibility. He cannot be held hostage/

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The next time gf threatens to swallow a bottle of pills I would tell her to go ahead. She is a manipulator and she will never actually do it. That would be enough for me to never speak to her again.

DONT do this, he could be held liable if she does.

If she theaters suicide he needs to treat it like an emergency and call 911.

OP here - good point, thank you.

What kind of crazy talk is this? No, OP, your son is not responsible for the mental health and well-being of another adult. There is no way that he would be liable for her choices unless he were actively encouraging her to hurt herself.

Have him say, ONCE, “I am worried for you, but I am not able to give you the help and support you need. Please call your doctor, a friend, or 911 if you feel like you are planning to hurt yourself. I am not interested in continuing our relationship, and I need you to honor that. Please do not contact me again.”

[Anonymous]

Given how many women here brag about these kinds of relationships, the 40-year-old is probably a member of DCUM.

I feel sorry for the guy, if he knocks her up he's on the hook for at least 18 years of child support, plus having to deal with a nut for the next 18 years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The next time gf threatens to swallow a bottle of pills I would tell her to go ahead. She is a manipulator and she will never actually do it. That would be enough for me to never speak to her again.

DONT do this, he could be held liable if she does.

If she theaters suicide he needs to treat it like an emergency and call 911.

OP here - good point, thank you.

What kind of crazy talk is this? No, OP, your son is not responsible for the mental health and well-being of another adult. There is no way that he would be liable for her choices unless he were actively encouraging her to hurt herself.

Have him say, ONCE, “I am worried for you, but I am not able to give you the help and support you need. Please call your doctor, a friend, or 911 if you feel like you are planning to hurt yourself. I am not interested in continuing our relationship, and I need you to honor that. Please do not contact me again.”

Have you not seen the lawsuits where people are prosecuted for encouraging suicide?

A 20 year old can’t say all of what you’ve written. He’s a kid, for gods sake. He needs it simple. If she threatened suicide, it’s an emergency and he calls 911. Just like if she threatened to kill someone else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The next time gf threatens to swallow a bottle of pills I would tell her to go ahead. She is a manipulator and she will never actually do it. That would be enough for me to never speak to her again.

DONT do this, he could be held liable if she does.

If she theaters suicide he needs to treat it like an emergency and call 911.

OP here - good point, thank you.

What kind of crazy talk is this? No, OP, your son is not responsible for the mental health and well-being of another adult. There is no way that he would be liable for her choices unless he were actively encouraging her to hurt herself.

Have him say, ONCE, “I am worried for you, but I am not able to give you the help and support you need. Please call your doctor, a friend, or 911 if you feel like you are planning to hurt yourself. I am not interested in continuing our relationship, and I need you to honor that. Please do not contact me again.”

Have you not seen the lawsuits where people are prosecuted for encouraging suicide?

A 20 year old can’t say all of what you’ve written. He’s a kid, for gods sake. He needs it simple. If she threatened suicide, it’s an emergency and he calls 911. Just like if she threatened to kill someone else.

OP - ugh thanks. This young man is very nice (too nice?) and agree that the simple message sounds best and probably would be the most realistic for him to deliver. Thanks everyone.