I’m an adult child who expects more from my parent

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't know what it's like to have a multi-millionaire dad but I do know what it's like having one who was basically a total waste of time. It would never have occurred to me when he was alive to feel crappy because he never offered me any help after proving my whole life (and before) that he was pretty much worthless as far as a relationship or assistance or support is concerned. I felt like he was crappy, but not me.

Maybe stop thinking of him as Bank of Dad who won't approve your monetary desires/needs and just be grateful you don't need him in your life because you can do fine without him.

It sounds like this horse's a$$ caused your mother to consider suicide, you need to break that cycle by getting as far away from him in every way as you possibly can.

OP: Thanks so much for your response! As I think about it, I’m less concerned with him giving me money than I am that something’s wrong with me for wanting that. And I guess I’ve never been able to fully accept that he’s crappy, I’ve always just blamed myself. Again, thank you so much and I have a lot more to think about now (😃). I hope you have a wonderful night and your compassion is truly appreciated!

Have you not yet learned in therapy that all feeling are valid? There's nothing wrong with you for feeling the way you do. You matter too. That's like 90% of therapy

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP - I guess what I’m asking is whether it’s wrong to wish my dad would help me and his only grandchildren financially? I’d never ask for assistance and it’s his money, but is it reasonable that it kind of hurts my feelings?

It’s clearly not wrong to feel how you feel. However, it’s not wrong for him to not “offer” you his help. Have you even asked him or do you feel he should know, somehow, and offer you his money??

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP - I guess what I’m asking is whether it’s wrong to wish my dad would help me and his only grandchildren financially? I’d never ask for assistance and it’s his money, but is it reasonable that it kind of hurts my feelings?

Yes, its 100% ok to WISH for things. However, your wish should be private and remain in your own mind. You do not have to say it to him.

[Anonymous]

You're not wrong to want care in the form of money. It's like there's this huge pot of "love substitute," but no, you can't have that either! Your situation is so similar to the oldest daughter of Steve Jobs. She wrote a book, "Small Fry," and I think you'd really relate to it. Jobs was weird and miserly. He took out his feelings about the mother on the girl. Etc.

[Anonymous]

Not wrong at all. I give money out easily to family and friends and I'm not even a millionaire. We need money to make our lives easier. Not sure why he cannot spare some to his own child.
It's sad that we think of luxury goods and shopping when it comes to money. It's not that at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You're not wrong to want care in the form of money. It's like there's this huge pot of "love substitute," but no, you can't have that either! Your situation is so similar to the oldest daughter of Steve Jobs. She wrote a book, "Small Fry," and I think you'd really relate to it. Jobs was weird and miserly. He took out his feelings about the mother on the girl. Etc.

+1. The lack of helping monetarily is one more thing your father chooses to withhold in your relationship. It is not wrong to wish things were different and it would be nice (and normal) for a parent to share some if it. You seem to have a good perspective on life and are a caring, loving person, despite all the slings and arrows. I am glad you have kindness and love that you are giving as well as receiving. Maybe a few more sessions with a therapist would help you figure out how you feel about and deal with your father would be helpful. IME, a good therapist helps us put things into perspective and helps us let go of what we need to let go.

Do you have any relationship with his current wife? And does she have any children of her own?

[Anonymous]

OP, does your dad see your kids (his grandchildren) much? Apart from money, does he seem interested in them?

[Anonymous]

In a dream world a rich father would help his family, but your father has proven over and over that he does not care. Period. Full stop. Right now, though you happen to share genes, he has no more relationship with you than a casual acquaintance and you need to think of him in that way. Would the nice cashier lady at Safeway that you chat with give you some of her money? Would your co-worker give you shares of their million? Of course if they had it you'd certainly love to have them share it, but the odds are likely you'd be way down on the totem pole of folks on their list. So too with your dad. He is indeed a narcissist. No one is wrong for wishing someone would share money (especially when it would be most needed) so don't think you are wrong in dreaming of that. Just know that your father is not predisposed to share and you have years and years of proof of that. He is what he is and you have to build whatever relationship you choose to have with him on the presumption he will never change. Honestly, I'd stop trying to please him. You are putting a lot into a one-sided relationship. Focus on building your family with your mom, your kids, and the memory of your husband who clearly valued you and your mom. Good luck to you.

[Anonymous]

You want a sign from your father that he really cares and you want him to demonstrate that caring. If he was a fabulous plumber, you’d want him to come fix your leaky toilets. If he was a doctor, you’d want good, caring medical attention. On top of that, his insane wealth just underscores his choice not to be a good, caring father. It would be so easy for him to make the gesture.

Nothing at all wrong with wanting him to help you financially. I’m sorry he’s not what you want or need. You sound kind and like a nice person who values family and connection, despite his terrible example. Hang in there, OP. I’m so sorry about your husband and wish you peace.

[Anonymous]

Nothing wrong with you and I think the concern that something is wrong with you is a symptom of emotional neglect as a child. I’m not a therapist and I can’t explain the building blocks if it but I relate. I am constantly second guessing myself when I have strong feelings about something. I get uncomfortable and can’t tell if what I’m feeling is “normal” or because there is something wrong with me like I am a bad person. I was told a lot growing up that I was a bad kid/bad dream etc… at the time in my head I always fought back “I’m not bad!” but I guess it had a major impact on my consciousness anyway. Fwiw I am not this way when I am asked to talk through issues with other people or even if I am problem solving for myself. It is only around very specific circumstances where something about it triggers this old wound for me.

No, there is nothing wrong with you. Of course it would be so nice if your dad helped you financially since he has the means. I’m sorry he doesn’t. There is a difference between acknowledging that it hurts knowing he hasn’t offered to help versus feeling entitled to his money because he is your dad. I don’t get the sense you feel entitled.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP - I guess what I’m asking is whether it’s wrong to wish my dad would help me and his only grandchildren financially? I’d never ask for assistance and it’s his money, but is it reasonable that it kind of hurts my feelings?

Yes, I think it is normal, especially when you find yourself widowed at a young age.

But it sounds like he has been a troubled human for his whole life, so it may not be realistic to expect him to turn into a responsible, loving man at this stage of the game.

I am sorry, but it sounds like you have done a great job given the cards you were dealt. Your children and mom are lucky to have you.

[Anonymous]

Having rich parents locks you into a dynamic of always being a child waiting for the “real” adults to bail you out. You absolutely must break this dynamic. It arrests your development and robs you of your agency.

[Anonymous]

I am generally someone who believes in financial independence after college. I never took any money from my parents when I was in my 20s and struggling, unemployed, under employed, having to go into debt for car repairs, etc. As I got older, I didn't take any money toward childcare or a downpayment on my home. My parents aren't wealthy like you're talking about, but they do just fine for themselves, have a very secure and comfortable retirement, and could have easily spared $50k toward a downpayment for me, but I'm an adult, I handle my own finances.

If my husband died suddenly tomorrow, my parents would be writing checks left and right and I would be so bereft, and so grateful, and of course I would take their money. And of course they would give anything I needed. A young husband dies leaving young children! That's a moment for loved ones to rally, in every way, including financially.

So of COURSE you're disappointed, the fact that he's not offering when he's worth $30m (!!) is absurd, and you're not being selfish or unreasonable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Having rich parents locks you into a dynamic of always being a child waiting for the “real” adults to bail you out. You absolutely must break this dynamic. It arrests your development and robs you of your agency.

+1. You are 42 which is old enough to have built up some wealth and hopefully purchased life insurance. You have a FT live-in nanny and housekeeper in your mother which is more than many people have. Consider yourself among the luckier side in your very unfortunate situation and forget your father.

[Anonymous]

I’m sorry for your loss.

Was dad annoyed that you didn’t have rental insurance? Typically if there is a fire, rental insurance will cover the replacement costs plus a place to stay.

Similarly, hopefully you had life insurance in your husband?

How do you know he is worth thirty million dollars? How liquid is it? Is it tied up in a business?

Maybe he is planning on leaving you some in his will.

I’d try to stop focusing on his wealth and just focus on your own.

But also don’t waste energy feeling bad about feeling mad at your dad. It’s ok to have those feelings, but is it really about the money? I think it’s probably about him being a bad dad in other ways. If he was a terrific dad, I don’t think you would feel resentment about the money.