I’m an adult child who expects more from my parent

[Anonymous]

My parents divorced when I was 2, I think. Though they both remarried several times, but I’m still an only child. My father has always been very vindictive towards my mother, although he was the one who had a/n affair(s) and left her. I’m mildly successful in my career, was very happily married, with a lovely family. My dad has gotten to the point where he’s extremely successful (with a company he and my mom started together but she gave up when they divorced. She got me and the house) and I’m happy for him.
My dad told me often when I was a child that I was entitled, ungrateful, etc. but I think he was mainly transferring emotions he felt towards my mom to me.
Regardless, I’ve grown up to be a people pleaser who is kind of a doormat (which I take total responsibility for!) though I’m in therapy and trying to get better.
My DH and I took my mother in after she tried to commit suicide and she’s been absolutely wonderful helping us raise children and generally being a huge asset to us.
I recently lost my DH (he was 42] and it’s really thrown us for a loop as I never expected to be a single mother.
I can afford our life (including taking care of my mom), but I’m really bothered that my father hasn’t offered any financial help. I know that makes me sound selfish and awful, but it bothers me. I’ve always maintained a relationship with him that was as close as he would allow. (He spent a lot of time traveling, dealing with his girlfriends/wives, etc. and, sadly, we’ve never been very close. (Though I’ve tried many times and offered joint therapy or anything that would help us to know one another more intimately.)
He’s worth over $30m now. Ive never asked him for anything financial except once, when I was 23 and my apartment burned down. He refused to loan me $3,000 at that point (which I needed to get a new apartment and, shamefully, had not budgeted for).
And I felt very ashamed that I asked him. It all worked out and the fire is way in the past now. So I would never ask him, but it makes me feel crappy that he hasn’t offered any help.
Is this a feeling borne out of a character flaw of mine (and I have many!), or is it normal to expect an offer, at least?
Sorry that I sound so selfish and I do understand that he owes me nothing, I’m just interested in others’ opinions.
Sorry that this is so all over the place and I’m totally willing to hear that I shouldn’t ever expect any financial help from him!
Thanks!

[Anonymous]

OP - I guess what I’m asking is whether it’s wrong to wish my dad would help me and his only grandchildren financially? I’d never ask for assistance and it’s his money, but is it reasonable that it kind of hurts my feelings?

[Anonymous]

I don't know what it's like to have a multi-millionaire dad but I do know what it's like having one who was basically a total waste of time. It would never have occurred to me when he was alive to feel crappy because he never offered me any help after proving my whole life (and before) that he was pretty much worthless as far as a relationship or assistance or support is concerned. I felt like he was crappy, but not me.

Maybe stop thinking of him as Bank of Dad who won't approve your monetary desires/needs and just be grateful you don't need him in your life because you can do fine without him.

It sounds like this horse's a$$ caused your mother to consider suicide, you need to break that cycle by getting as far away from him in every way as you possibly can.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't know what it's like to have a multi-millionaire dad but I do know what it's like having one who was basically a total waste of time. It would never have occurred to me when he was alive to feel crappy because he never offered me any help after proving my whole life (and before) that he was pretty much worthless as far as a relationship or assistance or support is concerned. I felt like he was crappy, but not me.

Maybe stop thinking of him as Bank of Dad who won't approve your monetary desires/needs and just be grateful you don't need him in your life because you can do fine without him.

It sounds like this horse's a$$ caused your mother to consider suicide, you need to break that cycle by getting as far away from him in every way as you possibly can.

OP: Thanks so much for your response! As I think about it, I’m less concerned with him giving me money than I am that something’s wrong with me for wanting that. And I guess I’ve never been able to fully accept that he’s crappy, I’ve always just blamed myself. Again, thank you so much and I have a lot more to think about now (😃). I hope you have a wonderful night and your compassion is truly appreciated!

[Anonymous]

My opinion is that your father is a bad man and you are completely justified in your feelings. I am sorry you have such a POS for a father. I wish your mother stood up for you and herself more, or maybe was more manipulative, and gotten something out of him for your and herself. I hope you will inherit something from him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My opinion is that your father is a bad man and you are completely justified in your feelings. I am sorry you have such a POS for a father. I wish your mother stood up for you and herself more, or maybe was more manipulative, and gotten something out of him for your and herself. I hope you will inherit something from him.

My mom is truly a wonderful person and she has enriched my life immeasurably! Thank you so much for validating my feelings, you don’t know how much it means! I’d be quite shocked if he left me anything; his newest wife isn’t young, but I assume everything will go to her and her family or to a charity.
I honestly was feeling like I was the worst for expecting anything from him and you’ve really helped me start to reframe my thinking. Thank you so very much!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My opinion is that your father is a bad man and you are completely justified in your feelings. I am sorry you have such a POS for a father. I wish your mother stood up for you and herself more, or maybe was more manipulative, and gotten something out of him for your and herself. I hope you will inherit something from him.

My mom is truly a wonderful person and she has enriched my life immeasurably! Thank you so much for validating my feelings, you don’t know how much it means! I’d be quite shocked if he left me anything; his newest wife isn’t young, but I assume everything will go to her and her family or to a charity.
I honestly was feeling like I was the worst for expecting anything from him and you’ve really helped me start to reframe my thinking. Thank you so very much!

I am sure your mom is a great person! Unfortunately good people are bad at manipulating bad ones!
Again, imo it is perfectly normal to expect that a parent puts their child first. I say this both as a daughter and a mother.
I wish you the best!

[Anonymous]

Giving money doesn’t make someone a good parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Giving money doesn’t make someone a good parent.

But a parent who has that much money and knows what the death of a spouse can do to a family financially and offers nothing is cold. Would you do that ? How many people posting here would do that? He's horrible.

[Anonymous]

Actually not helping when your apt burns tells us what kind of person your dad is. You are perfectly fine normal and caring to be a bit hurt since your dad doesn’t help. The examples you use are financial, but I imagine e he is absent emotionally as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP - I guess what I’m asking is whether it’s wrong to wish my dad would help me and his only grandchildren financially? I’d never ask for assistance and it’s his money, but is it reasonable that it kind of hurts my feelings?

I think it’s totally reasonable, and he sounds like a narcissist.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Giving money doesn’t make someone a good parent.

But a parent who has that much money and knows what the death of a spouse can do to a family financially and offers nothing is cold. Would you do that ? How many people posting here would do that? He's horrible.

If this happened in my community total strangers would pitch in to help. That her dad didn’t offer just yells you how selfish and bitter he is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP - I guess what I’m asking is whether it’s wrong to wish my dad would help me and his only grandchildren financially? I’d never ask for assistance and it’s his money, but is it reasonable that it kind of hurts my feelings?

Yes of course it’s reasonable. I have the same dynamic with my mom. It’s not about the money, it’s the fact that it feels like they don’t live us. I have kids, and I’d never do that to my kids. What sane parent would refuse to help their child when their house burns down or their spouse dies?? My mom routinely tells me how she plans to spend all of her money before she dies. It’s hurtful because I see it as withholding live just as she did when I was a kid. Now I don’t see her as much so that’s all she has.

[Anonymous]

He sounds like a jerk. It is very reasonable to expect a rich father to help his only child after a catastrophic loss that was completely outside of her control. It would very much hurt my feelings. Is he a narcissist?

[Anonymous]

OP, I think it’s completely reasonable to expect that your filthy rich dad would voluntarily offer you some money in this difficult time. I’m not worth nearly that much and plan to assist my children when they’re adults with education, homes, vehicles etc to the greatest extent possible.

Energy and effort is supposed to flow from the parent to the child. That is the deal. Unfortunately it is often not the reality.

I’m sorry you’ve lost your husband and I wish you much strength and healing.