In-laws don’t offer to host. Tired of hosting. How to handle?

[Anonymous]

Tell your DH to say to his folks “we’d really like to come to you this time for Xmas; would that be ok?” If they say no then you can beg off hosting on your end with the excuses here but why not have him ask his parents directly?

I’ll add to though that in my family we would never handle a holiday as in the person whose house it is in does all the work. When we go to my mom’s we help shop and cook. She does the same when we host. You need to navigate more of a pitching in environment

[Anonymous]

Take a Christmas trip!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was prepared for you to have been doing this for two decades and have to say I’m underwhelmed by you doing it since 2019! Having said that, your husband needs to suggest that you rotate hosting. Easy.

Well, aren’t you a martyr! It would be nice for the ILs to host the 10th holiday, and that’s assuming they don’t host Easter or birthdays. OP has every right to be tired.

To be fair, 2019 wasn’t all that long ago.

And at least a year of holidays were lost to covid. So OP is complaining about having hosted like, 4 holidays.

What’s your point? Are you the Exhaustion Police? Are you saying OPs feelings aren’t valid? Maybe she doesn’t want to host the FIFTH holiday. Why doesn’t she get a preference?

[Anonymous]

"We aren't up for hosting this Christmas"

[Anonymous]

Tell DH that you’re not lifting a finger for Christmas, other than to do the decorating beforehand that you want to do, and the gift buying you would do for him/kids/your own family.

Tell him if HE wants to host HIS people, he can go all-out, he can order in, he can delegate dishes, or he can ask Papa John for help for all you care.

[Anonymous]

Smeller’s the Feller.

First person to text, call, or email sniffing around about holiday plans will be met with a “We’re not hosting this year, but since you’re interested in getting together, I’d be happy to bring a bottle of wine” from you.

[Anonymous]

Just don't offer to host the next holiday? If no one steps up, then you don't celebrate together, or maybe you meet up at a restaurant for a nice meal?

[Anonymous]

Plan to go out of town the next holiday if your DH does not have the spine to break the cycle. That is what I did and worked perfectly. DH has no clue. Some in-laws think if you do something once it is a tradition. Break it and go out of town!

[Anonymous]

Babe, you’re swerving. They’re playing a game of chicken, and you’re swerving. Don’t swerve.

In other words, DO NOTHING. Have a backup plan in the back of your mind for what you will serve your own family on Christmas Eve/Christmas Day, even if it’s just chili on Christmas Eve and cinnamon rolls and bacon for breakfast on the 25th, with a Chinese food feast for dinner.

Then, sit back and relax, just like they do. DON’T MAKE THE FIRST MOVE, DUMMY.

[Anonymous]

PPs you guys are all nuts. This is not a distant relative or even a sibling. It is parents! They can be asked to host! Yes they can say no but then OP can too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Plan to go out of town the next holiday if your DH does not have the spine to break the cycle. That is what I did and worked perfectly. DH has no clue. Some in-laws think if you do something once it is a tradition. Break it and go out of town!

This. Travel with just you, DH and the kids if any. Go somewhere with fun Christmas events, lights, shows, etc.

It's also just fine, and wise, to say, "We're going to have Christmas with just us and the kids this year, and we'll see you for a potluck at our house on...." Then choose the date. Boxing Day (Dec. 26) is the day for casual extended family visits in some countries, or get together for lunch on New Year's Eve Day or New Year's Day etc.

Start building traditions where your family is JUST your own, nuclear family for Christmas Eve and ALL of Christmas Day and visits happen in the week after that, informally. It is a huge relief and you still see the (local) relatives. If you're having to see out of town relatives, well, start doing it every other year. Set that expectation. This year, we're home with just us and the kids. Next year, the in-laws/cousins/whatever. The year after that? Holiday trip.

There is no law that Christmas Must Be Celebrated The Same Damn Way EVERY Year.

[Anonymous]

I suggest starting by talking to them. And wait for the next holiday season to bring it up. You say you want to be with them, so clearly it is a decent relationship.

Just say, "We love celebrating with everyone, but are not up for hosting this time. Would you mind if we came to you? I can bring X." I'd bet money they gladly agree.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Plan to go out of town the next holiday if your DH does not have the spine to break the cycle. That is what I did and worked perfectly. DH has no clue. Some in-laws think if you do something once it is a tradition. Break it and go out of town!

This. Travel with just you, DH and the kids if any. Go somewhere with fun Christmas events, lights, shows, etc.

It's also just fine, and wise, to say, "We're going to have Christmas with just us and the kids this year, and we'll see you for a potluck at our house on...." Then choose the date. Boxing Day (Dec. 26) is the day for casual extended family visits in some countries, or get together for lunch on New Year's Eve Day or New Year's Day etc.

Start building traditions where your family is JUST your own, nuclear family for Christmas Eve and ALL of Christmas Day and visits happen in the week after that, informally. It is a huge relief and you still see the (local) relatives. If you're having to see out of town relatives, well, start doing it every other year. Set that expectation. This year, we're home with just us and the kids. Next year, the in-laws/cousins/whatever. The year after that? Holiday trip.

There is no law that Christmas Must Be Celebrated The Same Damn Way EVERY Year.

Did ya'll read her post? " I oblige because I don’t want to not celebrate with them."

OP actually wants to spend time with the family. She just doesn't want all the burden to fall on her. There are tons of options. Not celebrating with the family is not one of them. Or at least it shouldn't be considered: 1) OP scales way back on the time and effort she puts into hosting; or 2) they simply tell the family how they are feeling and discuss other options where they can all be together (in-laws host, out to dinner, family vacation somewhere...)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PPs you guys are all nuts. This is not a distant relative or even a sibling. It is parents! They can be asked to host! Yes they can say no but then OP can too.

Disagree. I would never ask someone else to host. I would just say "I'm wiped out and not up for hosting Christmas this year. We are taking an indefinite break from hosting." Then it is up to others to either say "Oh, okay." or "Oh, we'll host then! Come to us!" But you don't invite yourself over for a holiday.

[Anonymous]

Same situation over here... I'm thinking I just won't bring up Christmas at all. We have small children so at some point I'm guessing MIL/FIL will bring up gifts and if they don't offer for us to come over at all then we will suggest they come at a non-meal time on Christmas Eve or Christmas. They live 5 minutes away so that feels reasonable.
The problem is they know we are doing something with my family ( my family live around the country so rarely are we all together except holidays) so if they invite themselves over I will feel awkward saying no.