In-laws don’t offer to host. Tired of hosting. How to handle?

[Anonymous]

When I got married my parents pulled me aside and asked that we agree on two things:

1. We never get offended when one of us asks for something.
2. We never get offended when the one asked says no.

We have the same arrangement with my in-laws and it has served us SO well over the years. We are each free to ask- we ask if they can come watch the kids sometimes, they ask if they can come visit at times, etc.

I highly recommend this arrangement. With it, things like this are never an issue.

[Anonymous]

"Honey, I can't do that again. Hosting is exhausting and I'm burned out. Can we agree to do only certain holidays? I want to be able to enjoy them!"

[Anonymous]

Just go back to whatever you did in 2018. Or find a restaurant for everyone to go to.

[Anonymous]

Ah, I recall when my mom was just done. And my dad and us kids did a lot of the scrubbing and prepping too.

So she declined, and no one picked up the rope. Even now, the family lives just stop lights away from one another, they will call around at the holidays, but nothing in person.

Since you want to visit with them, drop the rope, and if no one picks it up, maybe you can do something smaller and not a meal time if you still want to gather.

[Anonymous]

How many people do you host?

I would schedule something at a restaurant if I wanted to see people but not host. There are a lot of Thanksgiving buffets available at local restaurants. Do your own thing for Christmas if no one offers to host.

[Anonymous]

Have it catered! I love hosting now that someone else is preparing and serving. Best of both worlds.

[Anonymous]

we switched our christmas eve to dinner out and dessert and gifts afterward. takes the load off of everyone! we started because DH's mom had foot surgery or something, but it turned out to be something we really like.

we also have one where we do casual breakfast. that is also pretty easy.

or just say you aren't doing it, but suggesting an alternative might give better results.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When I got married my parents pulled me aside and asked that we agree on two things:

1. We never get offended when one of us asks for something.
2. We never get offended when the one asked says no.

We have the same arrangement with my in-laws and it has served us SO well over the years. We are each free to ask- we ask if they can come watch the kids sometimes, they ask if they can come visit at times, etc.

I highly recommend this arrangement. With it, things like this are never an issue.

This is how sane, communicative people do life.

[Anonymous]

Can’t you simplify? Frozen lasagna, bagged salad, rolls and paper plates? What does EVERY holiday mean to you? Are the in laws elderly? Refuse to fuss and enlist your DH to clean the bathroom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When I got married my parents pulled me aside and asked that we agree on two things:

1. We never get offended when one of us asks for something.
2. We never get offended when the one asked says no.

We have the same arrangement with my in-laws and it has served us SO well over the years. We are each free to ask- we ask if they can come watch the kids sometimes, they ask if they can come visit at times, etc.

I highly recommend this arrangement. With it, things like this are never an issue.

This is how sane, communicative people do life.

PP you are quoting. I appreciate your support for this approach. I do not appreciate the tone of implying that anyone who is not fortunate enough to have this approach is insane.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When I got married my parents pulled me aside and asked that we agree on two things:

1. We never get offended when one of us asks for something.
2. We never get offended when the one asked says no.

We have the same arrangement with my in-laws and it has served us SO well over the years. We are each free to ask- we ask if they can come watch the kids sometimes, they ask if they can come visit at times, etc.

I highly recommend this arrangement. With it, things like this are never an issue.

This is how sane, communicative people do life.

Unfortunately not everyone gets sane parents or in-laws! You can’t pick your family.

[Anonymous]

Restaurant

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Tired. DH is very helpful but I’m tired of hosting. I’m tired of helping clean the house and shopping, prepping and cooking, cleaning. I want to be hosted! In-laws never offer and wait for you to offer to host. I oblige because I don’t want to not celebrate with them. We just did Thanksgiving. We’ve done every holiday since 2019. I’m done. How to drop the rope, or get DH on board. Because let’s be honest, DH is helpful, but majority of hosting falls on the women.

How old are the in-laws? Do they live in a small apartment? Physically handicapped?

Just tell them now you don't wish to host and see what they say.

[Anonymous]

The cooking is the worst of it so get take out or go to a restaurant. There are plenty of good restaurants and stores that offer meals. And...if you even want to take it further get fancy paper plates to eat off of. If the in-laws don't like it, then they can do all the cooking and bring it over.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was prepared for you to have been doing this for two decades and have to say I’m underwhelmed by you doing it since 2019! Having said that, your husband needs to suggest that you rotate hosting. Easy.

Exactly - as I am now a MIL, I have been cooking and hosting all holiday dinners for 30+ years and would be happy to finally have some more adults helping out.