Parents who never visit their adult children

[Anonymous]

Mine prefer to fly to visit my sister. She has a nicer house in a better climate. I'm only a few hours away, but my family is always expected to make the drive to them rather than them coming to us. I'm fine with that, but when they start needing more help in a few years, I plan on telling them to call her.

[Anonymous]

When my mom was alive, she always visited without my Dad because he never wanted to come (they were married.) We would only see him when we went to their house 2-3 hours away (depending on 95 traffic.) In the 4 years my mom has been gone, Dad has visited once and did a day trip only. We've visited him a few times more than that but honestly I've lost the motivation. He never calls or checks in, not even on our birthdays. He is the same to my sister, his only other child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My in-laws are the same way, and when we visit them, they guilt us to come back more. It’s very frustrating, they are retired, well off but can’t manage to visit.

More in law bashing. So tiresome.

[Anonymous]

Do any of you have conversations with your parents about why and actually listen? Just a thought.

It definitely could be that they just can't be bothered and don't care about you at all. Particularly people saying the parents travel otherwise all the time.

It could also be:

-They get confused in new surroundings in the middle of the night.
-They sleep poorly and then feel terrible.
-They are in some kind of chronic pain and something about the setup in your home exacerbates this.
-They find your young children exhausting (which is normal) and feel pressure to be "on" or around them 24-7.
-They feel awkward about food/meal times for some reason.
-They find driving even a couple of hours uncomfortable or anxiety-provoking.

[Anonymous]

It’s very common for parents of adult children to not visit their kids at their homes regularly and to expect instead that the children visit them. It doesn’t make them weird or dysfunctional. The poster who suggests that it makes the parents selfish or whatever because the parents have more time so they should do the visiting needs to shut up already. The parents don’t want to visit while you’re working and busy or running around or whatever. It just makes them feel like a burden. They want you to visit them when you have time for them. Plain and simple.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do any of you have conversations with your parents about why and actually listen? Just a thought.

It definitely could be that they just can't be bothered and don't care about you at all. Particularly people saying the parents travel otherwise all the time.

It could also be:

-They get confused in new surroundings in the middle of the night.
-They sleep poorly and then feel terrible.
-They are in some kind of chronic pain and something about the setup in your home exacerbates this.
-They find your young children exhausting (which is normal) and feel pressure to be "on" or around them 24-7.
-They feel awkward about food/meal times for some reason.
-They find driving even a couple of hours uncomfortable or anxiety-provoking.

I am going to give you the benefit of the doubt but this comes off as very condescending. I have asked my parents several times over the years, and of course I listen. But they don't come. Sometimes it isn't the adult children's fault.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My in-laws are the same way, and when we visit them, they guilt us to come back more. It’s very frustrating, they are retired, well off but can’t manage to visit.

It's harder to travel when you're old, especially with health problems.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do any of you have conversations with your parents about why and actually listen? Just a thought.

It definitely could be that they just can't be bothered and don't care about you at all. Particularly people saying the parents travel otherwise all the time.

It could also be:

-They get confused in new surroundings in the middle of the night.
-They sleep poorly and then feel terrible.
-They are in some kind of chronic pain and something about the setup in your home exacerbates this.
-They find your young children exhausting (which is normal) and feel pressure to be "on" or around them 24-7.
-They feel awkward about food/meal times for some reason.
-They find driving even a couple of hours uncomfortable or anxiety-provoking.

I am going to give you the benefit of the doubt but this comes off as very condescending. I have asked my parents several times over the years, and of course I listen. But they don't come. Sometimes it isn't the adult children's fault.

Lots of people on this thread sound like they have not given any of these factors any thought at all, to be fair.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s very common for parents of adult children to not visit their kids at their homes regularly and to expect instead that the children visit them. It doesn’t make them weird or dysfunctional. The poster who suggests that it makes the parents selfish or whatever because the parents have more time so they should do the visiting needs to shut up already. The parents don’t want to visit while you’re working and busy or running around or whatever. It just makes them feel like a burden. They want you to visit them when you have time for them. Plain and simple.

Well, my FIL spends all day on his farm and my MIL announces, “Well, it’s time for me to vacuum” or “It’s time for me to go to Walmart” so it’s not like they have time to visit with us when we visit (at dates of their choosing), so we stopped visiting. We meet at a vacation destination twice a year now, which works much better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s very common for parents of adult children to not visit their kids at their homes regularly and to expect instead that the children visit them. It doesn’t make them weird or dysfunctional. The poster who suggests that it makes the parents selfish or whatever because the parents have more time so they should do the visiting needs to shut up already. The parents don’t want to visit while you’re working and busy or running around or whatever. It just makes them feel like a burden. They want you to visit them when you have time for them. Plain and simple.

Well, my FIL spends all day on his farm and my MIL announces, “Well, it’s time for me to vacuum” or “It’s time for me to go to Walmart” so it’s not like they have time to visit with us when we visit (at dates of their choosing), so we stopped visiting. We meet at a vacation destination twice a year now, which works much better.

My guess is that they just needed excuses to get some space from you when you visited because it’s obvious that you don’t think much of them.

[Anonymous]

My mom visits me on her own. She likes being able to spend time in the city. My dad hasn't visited DC in a long time (maybe 7-8 years?), and before 2021 my mom hadn't visited in 5 years. My dad currently can't travel because he is caring for his mother, and my mother was in the same situation before the pandemic with her parents. I go to them a few times a year. The rest of my family live near them too, including my brother and my grandmother, so it makes the most sense for me to go there. Also my parents are cheap and it is nice when my mom visits by herself, without my dad. She stays with me, which is manageable in my condo, but it is a lot less manageable space-wise to host both of them.

My DH's mother lives locally to us, but across the country from one of his sisters. She used to try to visit my SIL but it's hard for her to travel now so no one expects her to make the trip.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Mine prefer to fly to visit my sister. She has a nicer house in a better climate. I'm only a few hours away, but my family is always expected to make the drive to them rather than them coming to us. I'm fine with that, but when they start needing more help in a few years, I plan on telling them to call her.

Best post of the day !!!!

[Anonymous]

My parents didn't visit me for many years as an adult. Like 7 or 8 years went by without them coming to visit. I visited them frequently during those years but eventually got frustrated that it was so one way (especially when travel for me meant using scarce vacation time and spending money I was trying to save for a down payment, whereas they were semi-retired and traveled a lot and are very financially secure.

Then I had a kid and they suddenly wanted to visit all the time.

I feel like they demonstrated to me that they were not that interested in my life and now I am much less interested in their visits. No more than once a year and I visit them once a year and sometimes we skip a year because I don't want to go. My feeling is that I worked hard on our relationship in my 20s and 30s while they did nothing, and now they want to be involved grandparents but I've constructed a life that doesn't involve them because they were so absent. If they wanted to be in my life, they should have made more of an effort. They don't really even know me now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do any of you have conversations with your parents about why and actually listen? Just a thought.

It definitely could be that they just can't be bothered and don't care about you at all. Particularly people saying the parents travel otherwise all the time.

It could also be:

-They get confused in new surroundings in the middle of the night.
-They sleep poorly and then feel terrible.
-They are in some kind of chronic pain and something about the setup in your home exacerbates this.
-They find your young children exhausting (which is normal) and feel pressure to be "on" or around them 24-7.
-They feel awkward about food/meal times for some reason.
-They find driving even a couple of hours uncomfortable or anxiety-provoking.

Or the parents feel guilty.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My in-laws are the same way, and when we visit them, they guilt us to come back more. It’s very frustrating, they are retired, well off but can’t manage to visit.

Retired people seem to have ZERO concern or care for other people's valuable time - and seem to do what they want, when they want to - because are they bitter? Entitled? Maybe both.

Hope I am not so bitter or entitled some day (in the not too distant future).

It's too late for that, dear.