Parents who never visit their adult children

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do any of you have conversations with your parents about why and actually listen? Just a thought.

It definitely could be that they just can't be bothered and don't care about you at all. Particularly people saying the parents travel otherwise all the time.

It could also be:

-They get confused in new surroundings in the middle of the night.
-They sleep poorly and then feel terrible.
-They are in some kind of chronic pain and something about the setup in your home exacerbates this.
-They find your young children exhausting (which is normal) and feel pressure to be "on" or around them 24-7.
-They feel awkward about food/meal times for some reason.
-They find driving even a couple of hours uncomfortable or anxiety-provoking.

+1

Yeah, MANY of these "grandparents" travel ALL around the world, too. Traveling is NOT the issue.

I am going to give you the benefit of the doubt but this comes off as very condescending. I have asked my parents several times over the years, and of course I listen. But they don't come. Sometimes it isn't the adult children's fault.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My in-laws are the same way, and when we visit them, they guilt us to come back more. It’s very frustrating, they are retired, well off but can’t manage to visit.

Retired people seem to have ZERO concern or care for other people's valuable time - and seem to do what they want, when they want to - because are they bitter? Entitled? Maybe both.

Hope I am not so bitter or entitled some day (in the not too distant future).

It's too late for that, dear.

Nah - you haven't met SIL and MIL. Nice try at a 'zinger" though - don't quit your day job!

Some people are just selfish and look to be snarky. You know, like you.

[Anonymous]

Some older people are just set in their ways and routines or are very controlling about their environment. So they don’t do well with visiting other people in their homes. Maybe they want to eat their favorite snacks or use their own toilet or take a nap in the middle of the day. You just don’t know their reasons, but I wouldn’t necessarily take it personally.

[Anonymous]

My mom and stepdad have visited a few times but it’s always with the guilt trip of “it’s so far/hard/tiring” so we are usually the ones who visit them. They are two hours away, retired and in their 60s.
Plus in the last few years she has used the “we’re never going to your house again” tactic when she has gotten mad about something ridiculous.

Yes, a lot of emotional immaturity here.

[Anonymous]

I'd ask them? No one should take offense if a hotel is best. I usually would prefer a hotel, and prefer not to stay in someone's home. Someone else's home is just more hectic and chaotic than what I'm use to, now that I'm older. Even my kids. I'd like to be my best self and that might mean spending less time, actually in their home, when visiting.

Op, maybe there is something about THEIR expectations or YOUR expectations that is getting in the way.

[Anonymous]

My parents are a few minutes away and we rarely see them. My mom always wants us at her house so if we say no as it’s uncomfortable she goes on a no contact for a year or so. We got a dog so we cannot bring the dog to her house so problem solved.

[Anonymous]

Wow - this is amazing to me. My parents have always visited me - when I was a young 20 something living in places around the world, when I settled in DC, when I had kids, and moved them to places around the world. Now, my mom likes to stay longer than my dad, so he usually arrives with her and leaves earlier, but they probably visit us in our house at least 4-5 times per year. They have two other children and 5 other grandchildren, too (though they are all local to one another).

Even my in-laws, who hate to travel, come visit us 1-2 per year, and have as long as I've known them. We wish they'd visit more, but they really hate traveling and honestly don't put pressure on us to come to them. It's a shame because we have their only grandchildren, and they've lost a lot of the good years with them. But I can still really acknowledge the efforts they've made.

I'm really sorry for all of you on this chat (and also for your children). I find the behavior very odd.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow - this is amazing to me. My parents have always visited me - when I was a young 20 something living in places around the world, when I settled in DC, when I had kids, and moved them to places around the world. Now, my mom likes to stay longer than my dad, so he usually arrives with her and leaves earlier, but they probably visit us in our house at least 4-5 times per year. They have two other children and 5 other grandchildren, too (though they are all local to one another).

Even my in-laws, who hate to travel, come visit us 1-2 per year, and have as long as I've known them. We wish they'd visit more, but they really hate traveling and honestly don't put pressure on us to come to them. It's a shame because we have their only grandchildren, and they've lost a lot of the good years with them. But I can still really acknowledge the efforts they've made.

I'm really sorry for all of you on this chat (and also for your children). I find the behavior very odd.

you are very lucky.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My in-laws are the same way, and when we visit them, they guilt us to come back more. It’s very frustrating, they are retired, well off but can’t manage to visit.

It's harder to travel when you're old, especially with health problems.

I didn't realize a favored uncle became incontinent and stopped travelling because of this. He started having problems at a relatively young age.

[Anonymous]

Some parents just think their adult children should put in the effort and time to visit them because their children owe them that.
Meanwhile the parents have the time and energy to visit their friends half way around the world, the people who matter to them, because they want to make an impression on them. Ask me if I’m bitter...
I was but now it’s just normal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My in-laws are the same way, and when we visit them, they guilt us to come back more. It’s very frustrating, they are retired, well off but can’t manage to visit.

Retired people seem to have ZERO concern or care for other people's valuable time - and seem to do what they want, when they want to - because are they bitter? Entitled? Maybe both.

Hope I am not so bitter or entitled some day (in the not too distant future).

Not an in law or anything but, maybe they are tired of catering to their children? When do they get to be "selfish?" They aren't going to live forever

[Anonymous]

My parents are like this. In my moms case, she honestly doesn’t travel — she would never leave her small town if she could help it. But my dad and stepmom travel, just not to see kids. It is kids responsibility to come visit him, is my dads view. Also, neither of my siblings would let him in their house. But that’s another story. He’d be welcome in my house, but he won’t come, and I have long since gotten over it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is this unusual behavior? My parents never visit me or any of my siblings who all live in different parts of the country. We visit them annually. They travel, just not to visit their kids. They visit their siblings, attend weddings, and take modest vacations. Their own parents, my grandparents, visited them regularly so it’s odd they didn’t carry on the tradition. It’s been well over 10 years since they visited. Is this dysfunctional?

They may have experienced or witnessed stress it can put on relationship with kid in law.

[Anonymous]

Do they truly feel welcome?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When my mom was alive, she always visited without my Dad because he never wanted to come (they were married.) We would only see him when we went to their house 2-3 hours away (depending on 95 traffic.) In the 4 years my mom has been gone, Dad has visited once and did a day trip only. We've visited him a few times more than that but honestly I've lost the motivation. He never calls or checks in, not even on our birthdays. He is the same to my sister, his only other child.

I have a friend with the same situation. Her dad had bad anxiety