Parents who never visit their adult children

[Anonymous]

Is this unusual behavior? My parents never visit me or any of my siblings who all live in different parts of the country. We visit them annually. They travel, just not to visit their kids. They visit their siblings, attend weddings, and take modest vacations. Their own parents, my grandparents, visited them regularly so it’s odd they didn’t carry on the tradition. It’s been well over 10 years since they visited. Is this dysfunctional?

[Anonymous]

Do you ask them to visit? What do they say?

[Anonymous]

My in-laws are the same way, and when we visit them, they guilt us to come back more. It’s very frustrating, they are retired, well off but can’t manage to visit.

[Anonymous]

My mom also hasn't visited in ten years. Well, she has visited once since then, but it was to attend a funeral of a relative that took place in Arlington Cemetery and needed a place to stay (and really I was thrilled to host her). Once I paid for a plane ticket for her to come out and she just didn't get on the plan because she had too many other things going on. And she does get mad at me for not visiting her often. I go out there maybe once every three years.

My dad (they're divorced) has visited a bit more, but vacations are definitely the priority.

My in-laws visit far more. Family, for them, is just a bigger priority. That's really all there is to it.

[Anonymous]

MIL refers to her house as “home” and wants to know why we don’t “come home” more often. We have tried explaining that we are not in fact homeless and that we have a home just as she has one. My husband comes home every night after he leaves work. Deaf ears. No avail. She doesn’t visit us because we need to “come home”.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't say dysfunctional. Is everyone generally happy to see each other when you get together? I'd ask very pointedly for a visit and see what type of response you get. Something direct like "Mom, I'd love to host you guys in My City in the spring. Can you we discuss dates that would work for you to visit us?"

[Anonymous]

Could be an age thing. My parents visit but infrequently. It is taxing on them, and I get it , so we mainly go to them. At some point, the tables have to turn and the “kids” need to put in more work. We’re adults now

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:MIL refers to her house as “home” and wants to know why we don’t “come home” more often. We have tried explaining that we are not in fact homeless and that we have a home just as she has one. My husband comes home every night after he leaves work. Deaf ears. No avail. She doesn’t visit us because we need to “come home”.

+1.

[Anonymous]

My parents never visit, ever. They’re 90 min away. I’ve invited them, we bought a house with an in law suite with separate entrance with the thought they’d visit us but no. When I go to visit them, they claim they’re too busy to meet up, even for more than an hour. So I take it personally that they just don’t like me or care to have more than a superficial relationship.

[Anonymous]

It is odd, since they still travel. Are they afraid of making things unequal for the siblings? Like if they come see you, they would have to visit all the other kids too and it’s too much?

[Anonymous]

I would be hurt. My parents and my MIL both visited when they were healthy enough to do so, because they missed us and wanted to see how we lived. My parents also came to help a bit after the births of our children.

I will visit my kids when they leave and settle elsewhere. Wild horses couldn't keep me away!

[Anonymous]

My ILs are like this. Unless they can control every aspect of a visit, they won’t come. They have to turn us down first, then tell us when they want to come. Currently they have been mad at us for several years and not visited because we put some boundaries down over their last visit. It’s been nice not seeing them, TBH.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My in-laws are the same way, and when we visit them, they guilt us to come back more. It’s very frustrating, they are retired, well off but can’t manage to visit.

Retired people seem to have ZERO concern or care for other people's valuable time - and seem to do what they want, when they want to - because are they bitter? Entitled? Maybe both.

Hope I am not so bitter or entitled some day (in the not too distant future).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
I would be hurt. My parents and my MIL both visited when they were healthy enough to do so, because they missed us and wanted to see how we lived. My parents also came to help a bit after the births of our children.

I will visit my kids when they leave and settle elsewhere. Wild horses couldn't keep me away!

+1


I think people who are good or better at being parents - are automatically good or better at being grandparents.

It is really that simple.

My parents used to come and visit a couple times per year, and I really miss it, and them so much.

[Anonymous]

My mother came once in 20+ years. She didn't even attend my baby shower, which was 90 mins away from her home.