What's Behind the Rise of Lonely, Single Men

[Anonymous]

We need to raise our men better- that's the problem. They were raised to only go off and go to work, their wife will raise the family. Except now men don't make enough money, women are going to work and expecting men to pitch in at home. Most men are lazy and can't, so women are better off single. Women have been doing it all for some time now. We're graduating college in larger numbers than men.

DH is wonderful, but he's a rare guy amongst his friends.

[Anonymous]

It stated in the key points

Dating opportunities for heterosexual men are diminishing as relationship standards rise.
Men represent approximately 62% of dating app users, lowering their chances for matches.
Men need to address skills deficits to meet healthier relationship expectations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There isn't as much societal pressure for women to marry young now. Because education and access to better paying jobs are more available to women now, there isn't a need to have a breadwinner to provide for you, and if you are looking for a breadwinner the decline of male dominated professions like manufacturing means that fewer men actually are bread winners.

I think this is great for women, but I also come back to something that I heard on the topic to the effect that a large group of board young men who feel detached from and abandoned by society is historically a very dangerous thing.

I agree, but let's not overstate the historical marital rates. It was pretty common in much of American history for there to be a lot of unmarried me (except in times following large wars). Sometimes because they lived in rough terrain where there weren't a lot of women (early colonizers, westward expansion); sometimes because they were economically disadvantaged and could not afford to support a wife/family (common in many immigrant families where one or more sons would live with the parents until their death, caring for them and pooling economic resources); and sometimes because, with the high rates of maternal mortality, many men with means went through more than one wife (e.g., first wife dies in childbirth, you need a new wife to replace her and raise the kid so you marry again pretty quickly).
Looking at my own family history from the 19th century, it was very common for there to be 8-10 kids per family, and for only a couple of those to marry. (Of course, some died before adulthood, but some simply never married, in large part due to economic insecurity, although maybe some were also gay.)

I think part of the problem now is that everyone feels entitled to the American dream -- wife, kids, house. And with the way today's society is set up, it's very lonely if you don't have that. There just isn't as much community built around other things (work, church, joint endeavors like barn raising or quilting or whatever).

Agreed. I was just watching America The Story of Us and almost the entire movie is about single men fighting or building something with no wives around. I understand that's their theme of ingenuity in America but still it seems like there are a lot of people that didn't buy into the American Dream and did their own thing on their own.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We need to raise our men better- that's the problem. They were raised to only go off and go to work, their wife will raise the family. Except now men don't make enough money, women are going to work and expecting men to pitch in at home. Most men are lazy and can't, so women are better off single. Women have been doing it all for some time now. We're graduating college in larger numbers than men.

DH is wonderful, but he's a rare guy amongst his friends.

This is exactly it. A lot of men need to learn to not be so self centered, and how to be more giving and supportive in relationships.

Also to take better care of themselves. Most men are attracted to most women. Even if a woman is larger, or doesnt have that cute of a face, many men would still find her attractive enough to sleep with and be willing to have a relationship with her.

Women are much more picky, and not interested in men who are overweight or unattractive. Men in other countries seem to realize this and take steps to keep their grooming optimal and get themselves in top shape. That's a huge advantage over other men in the dating pool, but many American men seem to really slack on the personal upkeep.

Some men will figure it out, and some men will get left behind.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We need to raise our men better- that's the problem. They were raised to only go off and go to work, their wife will raise the family. Except now men don't make enough money, women are going to work and expecting men to pitch in at home. Most men are lazy and can't, so women are better off single. Women have been doing it all for some time now. We're graduating college in larger numbers than men.

DH is wonderful, but he's a rare guy amongst his friends.

I don’t think “we need to raise them better”.

I think society needs to think different.

Men don’t have to be the bread winner. Men can be teachers or nurses or other low paying jobs, and that’s okay.

Men don’t need to be able to fix things in the house any more than women need to.

Women actually expect men to do everything now and that ridiculous just like it was ridiculous for women.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There isn't as much societal pressure for women to marry young now. Because education and access to better paying jobs are more available to women now, there isn't a need to have a breadwinner to provide for you, and if you are looking for a breadwinner the decline of male dominated professions like manufacturing means that fewer men actually are bread winners.

I think this is great for women, but I also come back to something that I heard on the topic to the effect that a large group of board young men who feel detached from and abandoned by society is historically a very dangerous thing.

I agree, but let's not overstate the historical marital rates. It was pretty common in much of American history for there to be a lot of unmarried me (except in times following large wars). Sometimes because they lived in rough terrain where there weren't a lot of women (early colonizers, westward expansion); sometimes because they were economically disadvantaged and could not afford to support a wife/family (common in many immigrant families where one or more sons would live with the parents until their death, caring for them and pooling economic resources); and sometimes because, with the high rates of maternal mortality, many men with means went through more than one wife (e.g., first wife dies in childbirth, you need a new wife to replace her and raise the kid so you marry again pretty quickly).
Looking at my own family history from the 19th century, it was very common for there to be 8-10 kids per family, and for only a couple of those to marry. (Of course, some died before adulthood, but some simply never married, in large part due to economic insecurity, although maybe some were also gay.)

I think part of the problem now is that everyone feels entitled to the American dream -- wife, kids, house. And with the way today's society is set up, it's very lonely if you don't have that. There just isn't as much community built around other things (work, church, joint endeavors like barn raising or quilting or whatever).

Although thinking about it I've read stats that say a larger percentage was married in the past. I don't really know. Maybe they were married for shorter times?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We need to raise our men better- that's the problem. They were raised to only go off and go to work, their wife will raise the family. Except now men don't make enough money, women are going to work and expecting men to pitch in at home. Most men are lazy and can't, so women are better off single. Women have been doing it all for some time now. We're graduating college in larger numbers than men.

DH is wonderful, but he's a rare guy amongst his friends.

I don’t think “we need to raise them better”.

I think society needs to think different.

Men don’t have to be the bread winner. Men can be teachers or nurses or other low paying jobs, and that’s okay.

Men don’t need to be able to fix things in the house any more than women need to.

Women actually expect men to do everything now and that ridiculous just like it was ridiculous for women.

I think this is impractical.

[Anonymous]

Back in the olden days men were pursuing women daily. Now it's a mine field that makes men afraid to approach women. It's the downside of me too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Many women are realizing that being single is much better than putting up with a disrespectful, selfish, entitled man. Sure, having a good, empathetic, helpful husband is great for women. But studies have shown that an unhappy marriage has a horrible effect on women's health in particular, because women end up taking on most of the household burdens. A lot of women are realizing that the juice simply isn't worth the squeeze! Especially when you make your own money!

+1

If you make enough money to support yourself, any potential spouse has to be an improvement over time spent alone. That's a much higher bar for the male spouse's personality and behavior than it was for the generations who mostly relied on their DH to pay bills.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Back in the olden days men were pursuing women daily. Now it's a mine field that makes men afraid to approach women. It's the downside of me too.

No book I've read on history says anything like this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Many women are realizing that being single is much better than putting up with a disrespectful, selfish, entitled man. Sure, having a good, empathetic, helpful husband is great for women. But studies have shown that an unhappy marriage has a horrible effect on women's health in particular, because women end up taking on most of the household burdens. A lot of women are realizing that the juice simply isn't worth the squeeze! Especially when you make your own money!

This is the answer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We need to raise our men better- that's the problem. They were raised to only go off and go to work, their wife will raise the family. Except now men don't make enough money, women are going to work and expecting men to pitch in at home. Most men are lazy and can't, so women are better off single. Women have been doing it all for some time now. We're graduating college in larger numbers than men.

DH is wonderful, but he's a rare guy amongst his friends.

I don’t think “we need to raise them better”.

I think society needs to think different.

Men don’t have to be the bread winner. Men can be teachers or nurses or other low paying jobs, and that’s okay.

Men don’t need to be able to fix things in the house any more than women need to.

Women actually expect men to do everything now and that ridiculous just like it was ridiculous for women.

I truly doubt lowering the bar even FURTHER for men is going to make more women amenable to marriage. Sounds like that would be the final nail in the coffin and pretty catastrophic.

Women are attracted to strong, capable, helpful, attractive men with good social skills who add value. Men being even more of a burden and feeling even LESS obligation to bring things to the table will surely make women flee even more.

You cant control what youre attracted to- it's biology!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Back in the olden days men were pursuing women daily. Now it's a mine field that makes men afraid to approach women. It's the downside of me too.

As someone who was abused and could have reported it and it could have been a 20-year-plus sentence but didn't out of fear, can I ask why you are afraid to approach women? Only like a third if that of physical abuse is even reported. What exactly are you worried about? Are the rules unclear? I hear this type of phrase but I just don't get it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Many women are realizing that being single is much better than putting up with a disrespectful, selfish, entitled man. Sure, having a good, empathetic, helpful husband is great for women. But studies have shown that an unhappy marriage has a horrible effect on women's health in particular, because women end up taking on most of the household burdens. A lot of women are realizing that the juice simply isn't worth the squeeze! Especially when you make your own money!

+1

If you make enough money to support yourself, any potential spouse has to be an improvement over time spent alone. That's a much higher bar for the male spouse's personality and behavior than it was for the generations who mostly relied on their DH to pay bills.

+2 I have a great husband but I was perfectly content to be single forever rather than settle for someone that didn't make my life better/easier. I can say that because I have a great job and can easily support myself, and even could have supported a kid on my own if I wanted to (not my preference, but I know some women doing this). My dad was a checked-out alcoholic who had a very good job and was therefore considered a good catch. My maternal grandfather was an insanely abusive man who kept a roof over 8 kids' heads and was therefore considered a great dad and provider. Expectations change with the times and with women's options.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Back in the olden days men were pursuing women daily. Now it's a mine field that makes men afraid to approach women. It's the downside of me too.

As someone who was abused and could have reported it and it could have been a 20-year-plus sentence but didn't out of fear, can I ask why you are afraid to approach women? Only like a third if that of physical abuse is even reported. What exactly are you worried about? Are the rules unclear? I hear this type of phrase but I just don't get it.

Correct. I believe 99.5% of rapes never get a conviction. But men are terrified that if they SPEAK to a woman they'll get locked up? Sounds like trying to play the victim in a situation where WOMEN are the victims.