Freshman worries

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why are you worried? Serious question.

Hi OP here. I am worried about underage alcohol, drugs, sexual assault. This is not an apartment with girls she is friendly with.

Well I hope you have not just told her to avoid those things. Have you armed her with knowledge of date rape? Safe drinking? Birth control and AIDS prevention?

They do grow up (though like you, I would worry). This is the hard part about having older kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:THIS is why you should not track your college student. Unnecessary worry will ensue. And to the person who said its a "young girl sleeping off campus"... its actually an adult I'd assume. Not a "young girl".

Hate to be the bearer of bad news but your college student is not going to be going to bed every night in her dorm at 10 PM after reading a book. She is going to be going out and gasp, she may even end up sleeping somewhere else.

My sophomore lives off campus and texts me when she is back home from being out. Well she texted me last night at 12:45 saying she was home and then this morning I woke up to an Uber receipt at 2 AM to another location. I was very angry and stressed until I spoke to her, (which was thankfully at 9 AM). She told me she was home alone because her roommate stayed at her boyfriends, and a friend invited her to come stay at their apartment so she Ubered over and stayed there.

SO. This is why it's best not to track every movement. They are adults and they will do things outside your house that you may not agree with, but if you have raised them right, it's time to let go and trust. I know it's hard, but you cannot control their lives anymore, and you should not. That will alienate your DD from you and ruin your relationship.

Umm, this is monitoring, too, if you are requiring a text every night upon return.

I don't "required her to text every night" I only ask about nights I know she is out at frat parties or bars, because she has to walk home and its not necessarily a safe area, and frankly she wants me to know. I do not do the same for her brother, because he lives close to his frat house and doens't go out as much, and he's a guy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:THIS is why you should not track your college student. Unnecessary worry will ensue. And to the person who said its a "young girl sleeping off campus"... its actually an adult I'd assume. Not a "young girl".

Hate to be the bearer of bad news but your college student is not going to be going to bed every night in her dorm at 10 PM after reading a book. She is going to be going out and gasp, she may even end up sleeping somewhere else.

My sophomore lives off campus and texts me when she is back home from being out. Well she texted me last night at 12:45 saying she was home and then this morning I woke up to an Uber receipt at 2 AM to another location. I was very angry and stressed until I spoke to her, (which was thankfully at 9 AM). She told me she was home alone because her roommate stayed at her boyfriends, and a friend invited her to come stay at their apartment so she Ubered over and stayed there.

SO. This is why it's best not to track every movement. They are adults and they will do things outside your house that you may not agree with, but if you have raised them right, it's time to let go and trust. I know it's hard, but you cannot control their lives anymore, and you should not. That will alienate your DD from you and ruin your relationship.

And you believed this? ok.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:THIS is why you should not track your college student. Unnecessary worry will ensue. And to the person who said its a "young girl sleeping off campus"... its actually an adult I'd assume. Not a "young girl".

Hate to be the bearer of bad news but your college student is not going to be going to bed every night in her dorm at 10 PM after reading a book. She is going to be going out and gasp, she may even end up sleeping somewhere else.

My sophomore lives off campus and texts me when she is back home from being out. Well she texted me last night at 12:45 saying she was home and then this morning I woke up to an Uber receipt at 2 AM to another location. I was very angry and stressed until I spoke to her, (which was thankfully at 9 AM). She told me she was home alone because her roommate stayed at her boyfriends, and a friend invited her to come stay at their apartment so she Ubered over and stayed there.

SO. This is why it's best not to track every movement. They are adults and they will do things outside your house that you may not agree with, but if you have raised them right, it's time to let go and trust. I know it's hard, but you cannot control their lives anymore, and you should not. That will alienate your DD from you and ruin your relationship.

And you believed this? ok.

Honestly I don't even care where she was, just that she was home safe when I spoke to her. She could have been with a guy, I could not care less as that is not my business. I pay for her Ubers because I want to encourage her use of that instead of walking alone. My point in telling the story is that though I "monitor" her a little, it makes me inordinately stressed, so my advice was NOT to.

[Anonymous]

If you are tracking your college kid then you are unhinged and need to dial it down like 12 notches.

[Anonymous]

I was generally overprotective, but having one daughter who graduated college and one who is in college, I can’t imagine tracking them, let alone maintaining records of all their college friends and their addresses. This seems paranoid and borderline stalking. Sex, drugs, and alcohol are available to her at any time of day. Sexual assault is something to always be alert against and some situations are more dangerous than others, but this was not necessarily one of them.

I think general guidelines (don’t leave drinks unattended, stay with friends, use campus escort service if available and she’s walking around campus by herself late, etc.) and possibly a self-defense course (even a lecture from an expert on situational awareness) would be more protective than lojacking her. Even if she was in danger, you couldn’t have saved her. You need to teach her how to be safe and then trust her to do so.

[Anonymous]

I'm on a parent listserv for my kid's university. Last night there were 70 messages about a mom (lives in OH) who was freaking out because she saw her daughter was in Maryland when she should have been in VA. Turns out her daughter was at a concert in MD. Anyhow, the mom tracks her daughter on find my iphone and saw she wasn't all nestled in her dorm.

Parents! you need to cut the cord! Your kids need to learn how to adult on their own!

[Anonymous]

Unregulated? My freshmen had actual contracts. Will maintain a 3.0. If you go below a B in a class, you will do something about it— office hours, tutoring center, something. We see your beautiful face on Zoom once a week, even if it’s 90 seconds of hello and goodbye. If you are going to walk alone at night or in a deserted area, you will carry your She’s Birdie. If you are in serious trouble, we are the first call. You keep your MD appts and take ADHD meds as prescribed. You sign consent for us to see grades and health records— but we will not request health records unless there is a life threatening issue. Etc. By sophomore year, these contracts were not necessary. We told the kids they were adulting well and making good choices, we were very proud of them and we tore the contracts up.

Basically, they helped set guidelines and minimum expectations during a time of transition for kids with EF deficits.

Half of DCUM is about yell about my helicopter parenting. But, there were reasons, including the ADHD. And when my kid was in over his head in math, he called us and we helped him find info and dates on P/F, dropping and taking a NM, then sent him to his advisor to develop a plan. He knew what to do (he called us, we focused on problem solving and kept the lectures to ourself) and he found a solution (taking a NM and carrying an under load) and dealt with the consequences (academic probation for an unapproved underload and a meeting with the Dean to approve his classes next semester). So much better than us finding out about an F a month after classes ended.

But even I’m perplexed about this “unregulated” adult child. Stalking your kids cell phone is tempting as a parent. But, as you can see here, it does more harm than good. You don’t want to be the parent who calls and yells at a kid for skipping class, only to learn that power was out to the building and the class was held online. Then you have a massive loss of trust and you kid turns location services off.

You can geofence your kid and put on a shock collar. Or you can trust in the 18 years you spent instilling values and teaching right and wrong and good decision making. Those are the choices.

If you have a genuine credible reason to believe there is abuse, head to the college, find her and contact the appropriate school officials and professionals immediately. If you are afraid she is drinking and having consensual sex— I’m sorry, but that’s very possible. And she’s a legal adult (even if the drinking age is 21). You can’t stop her.

If there is a history of substance abuse in your family, I’d discuss her genetic risk factors without moralizing.

If she isn’t being seen by a gyn and on BC, I’d tell her that you don’t agree with premarital sex, but it’s her life and her body and it’s more important to you that she be safe. Then tell her you are glad to schedule an appointment with the gyn on the next break where she can discuss BC needs privately with the MD, if she has such needs. Or, if she would prefer, she can go herself and you will never mention or question visits to the Gyn that go through health insurance (BC should be free under most insurance plans). At least she’s more likely to be healthy and less likely to get pregnant.

That’s it.

Here’s how the geofencing/ shock collar method goes. My ILs were fanatical when my SIL was in college and I was dating (then married to) DH. And she was a great kid who made good choices. They handed her a beeper so they could always reach her. And expected instant callback. She rolled her eyes, threw it in a drawer, and we had three years of The Beeper Wars. “It didnt go off” (they Fed Exed a new one). The batteries are dead (they fed exed new ones). They died again. More Fed ex. “I lost the beeper,” a new one appeared. I think my in-laws spent more on beepers and fed ex than tuition.

After three years of his parents calling us at 2am because their all around good kid DD was ignoring her beeper and begging us to drive to the college and find her (we lived 2 hours away. They were 7-8), DH finally stepped in and told them he no longer wanted any part of beeper wars. Thank Goodness. It was exhausting.

My SIL graduated with honors, got a graduate degree, because a self supporting professional and moved 16 hours away. She still screens her parents calls.

It’s funny now. But it was sad. All this panic and anger and ultimately a screwed up relationship because my SIL was doing what she was supposed to, when she was supposed to, but got tired of the long distance micromanaging and did the 1995 equivalent of turning off location services.

All of which is to say— stop cyber stalking your college kid. Maybe they are where they are supposed to be. Or, maybe they cut class to have have sex and smoke pot. But, even if she did, it’s out of your control. And she will never be honest with you when you are making it clear you don’t trust her.

[Anonymous]

You need to realize two things

One, she can toke up, do tequila shots and have a threesome from the comfort of her dorm room. In my day, we did hall crawls. All the booze and sex you can handle in one 50 foot long hallway.

Two, if you keep stalking her, she’s just going to leave her phone in her room. And won’t have it to call for help when sue actually needs it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:THIS is why you should not track your college student. Unnecessary worry will ensue. And to the person who said its a "young girl sleeping off campus"... its actually an adult I'd assume. Not a "young girl".

Hate to be the bearer of bad news but your college student is not going to be going to bed every night in her dorm at 10 PM after reading a book. She is going to be going out and gasp, she may even end up sleeping somewhere else.

My sophomore lives off campus and texts me when she is back home from being out. Well she texted me last night at 12:45 saying she was home and then this morning I woke up to an Uber receipt at 2 AM to another location. I was very angry and stressed until I spoke to her, (which was thankfully at 9 AM). She told me she was home alone because her roommate stayed at her boyfriends, and a friend invited her to come stay at their apartment so she Ubered over and stayed there.

SO. This is why it's best not to track every movement. They are adults and they will do things outside your house that you may not agree with, but if you have raised them right, it's time to let go and trust. I know it's hard, but you cannot control their lives anymore, and you should not. That will alienate your DD from you and ruin your relationship.

And you believed this? ok.

Shhhhh, PP. Don't rat the poor girl out. She's just trying to live and her mom is making her text and tracking her every move, lol.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need to realize two things

One, she can toke up, do tequila shots and have a threesome from the comfort of her dorm room. In my day, we did hall crawls. All the booze and sex you can handle in one 50 foot long hallway.

Two, if you keep stalking her, she’s just going to leave her phone in her room. And won’t have it to call for help when sue actually needs it.

This.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:THIS is why you should not track your college student. Unnecessary worry will ensue. And to the person who said its a "young girl sleeping off campus"... its actually an adult I'd assume. Not a "young girl".

Hate to be the bearer of bad news but your college student is not going to be going to bed every night in her dorm at 10 PM after reading a book. She is going to be going out and gasp, she may even end up sleeping somewhere else.

My sophomore lives off campus and texts me when she is back home from being out. Well she texted me last night at 12:45 saying she was home and then this morning I woke up to an Uber receipt at 2 AM to another location. I was very angry and stressed until I spoke to her, (which was thankfully at 9 AM). She told me she was home alone because her roommate stayed at her boyfriends, and a friend invited her to come stay at their apartment so she Ubered over and stayed there.

SO. This is why it's best not to track every movement. They are adults and they will do things outside your house that you may not agree with, but if you have raised them right, it's time to let go and trust. I know it's hard, but you cannot control their lives anymore, and you should not. That will alienate your DD from you and ruin your relationship.

And you believed this? ok.

Shhhhh, PP. Don't rat the poor girl out. She's just trying to live and her mom is making her text and tracking her every move, lol.

You’re such a lovely person. When did I say I tracked her every move? Love how you’re focusing on me and not the Op who is a actually tracking her every move. Do you have Find my phone on, or life 360? I don’t either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you are tracking your college kid then you are unhinged and need to dial it down like 12 notches.

+1 This is not healthy or productive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:THIS is why you should not track your college student. Unnecessary worry will ensue. And to the person who said its a "young girl sleeping off campus"... its actually an adult I'd assume. Not a "young girl".

Hate to be the bearer of bad news but your college student is not going to be going to bed every night in her dorm at 10 PM after reading a book. She is going to be going out and gasp, she may even end up sleeping somewhere else.

My sophomore lives off campus and texts me when she is back home from being out. Well she texted me last night at 12:45 saying she was home and then this morning I woke up to an Uber receipt at 2 AM to another location. I was very angry and stressed until I spoke to her, (which was thankfully at 9 AM). She told me she was home alone because her roommate stayed at her boyfriends, and a friend invited her to come stay at their apartment so she Ubered over and stayed there.

SO. This is why it's best not to track every movement. They are adults and they will do things outside your house that you may not agree with, but if you have raised them right, it's time to let go and trust. I know it's hard, but you cannot control their lives anymore, and you should not. That will alienate your DD from you and ruin your relationship.

Umm, this is monitoring, too, if you are requiring a text every night upon return.

Seriously, you people need to leave your kids alone. It’s shocking to me that some people are so involved in their college kids’ lives.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry, OP. This is stressful. But, I think you need to trust your daughter. One key to this is feeling confident she is informed about various risks and has the tools to make wise choices. This can't be achieved by tracking her.

I am probably more conservative than most on sex, drinking and drugs here. But, I definitely stayed out all night even though I wasn't drinking (before 21) or sleeping with anyone in college. I am quite frank with my kids on all the ways I put myself at risk as a young adult, and I prioritize safety. Sure, I'd prefer if they didn't drink at all. I emphasize that they are naturally creative enough not to need booze or drugs, but the most important caution is, if they drink, they moderate, hydrate, serve themself and keep an eye on the container. Stay with friends, don't go off on your own with a stranger, etc. Essentially a set of ideals and absolute basics. They know they can come to me, but part of them trusting me is me trusting them and not tracking them. My oldest is a real grandma and literally in bed studying until she goes to sleep, so she hasn't really tested this, except with campus safety walking back after a late rehearsal (call the campus buddies program, do not walk alone at midnight in the city!). But #2 may test it. I think the key is to be on the same page with expectations, remind her you're there for her and trust.

I don't see the problem with PP's kid texting her. The kid is initiating. Mine might also text me as a means to confirm location with someone for safety reasons.