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[quote=Anonymous]Yes, I have dealt with this with my own mom basically my entire life. But the first step is recognizing the dynamic.

I have handled it a variety of ways in the past. Sometimes I withhold details of something to prevent her from "helping" by insisting on doing things herself or changing the details to better suit what she wants under the guise of help. This does not always work because her helping is often really about control, and if I keep saying "oh I don't know yet, I'll figure it out" it makes her increasingly anxious and that gets unloaded on me.

I have been working on simply being very clear about what I'm going to do and what "help" is not wanted. This can be hard because she DOES NOT want to hear it. But I am getting better about saying it. So I would just say, repeatedly "Mom, I do not want you to cook for this gathering. It's not what I want. I spent time finding a caterer who could do exactly what I want them to do and I am totally comfortable with the cost. If you would like to cook at the next event that you host, that is totally up to you. I am hosting this event and I don't want anyone cooking. If you'd like to help, I have some other ideas." And then just hold firm. But I know this wouldn't always stop my mom. She gets into an almost manic mode where she simply doesn't hear me. It's hard.

Still, understanding the pattern helps. Just being able to articulate it, the way you have here, also helped me to realize that I was repeating this pattern with certain other people in my life, allowing them to "help" me in ways I didn't want even when I'd been explicit to them that I didn't want them to. In those relationships, it was easier to end the pattern because if they didn't listen to my clear communication, I just decided to end the relationships (these were friends/acquaintances). It's more complicated with your mom. But at least knowing how this works can help you to make the best choices you can.[/quote]

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