What’s it like loving an avoidant?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The more you show them love, the more they withdraw. So the only way to feel reciprocal love is to pull back. It’s tiring.

It's SO tiring. It also always has to be on their terms - the expression and amount expressed. My SO knows it's difficult though, so he is very appreciative that I stick with him. He also has some fears from growing up that seem to make him test me - like he wants to really be sure I won't leave him or stop loving him. Took a long time to understand that this wasn't about me but his comfort with intense feelings and fear of losing control.

Avoidant attachment styles stem from neglect/abuse in childhood. They are directly related.

What about those that are attracted to avoidants?

Passive, unconfident people pleasers

[Anonymous]

Hmmm, I think I'm the avoidant. And yes, I had a rough childhood. I think my husband and I have a good relationship, but I suspect it would be closer if I weren't so avoidant. Same with our kids. I love them so much, and I would do anything for them, but I sense greater closeness in some other families, which makes me sad.

[Anonymous]

I'm an avoidant. I wouldn't wish it on someone else. It's easy to fall in love with me, hard to stay in love with me if you need reciprocal love consistently. I acknowledge the difficulty in maintaining relationships.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The more you show them love, the more they withdraw. So the only way to feel reciprocal love is to pull back. It’s tiring.

It's SO tiring. It also always has to be on their terms - the expression and amount expressed. My SO knows it's difficult though, so he is very appreciative that I stick with him. He also has some fears from growing up that seem to make him test me - like he wants to really be sure I won't leave him or stop loving him. Took a long time to understand that this wasn't about me but his comfort with intense feelings and fear of losing control.

Someone I dated was like this. It was really hard to deal with. Only they were still early in recognizing their own intimacy issues and blamed it on me not being enough X, Y, or Z. Then they’d come back and apologize. It eroded my self esteem and I was in therapy for a long time after to understand how I got there in the first place.

[Anonymous]

OP here. For the avoidants viewing can you tell us what it feels like to receive love? What is it about intimacy that scares you or turns you off? Are you capable of loving others? If so, how does this manifest itself?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. For the avoidants viewing can you tell us what it feels like to receive love? What is it about intimacy that scares you or turns you off? Are you capable of loving others? If so, how does this manifest itself?

OMG- this whole thing annoys me because I started dating as an avoidant, but it isn’t permanent. This isn’t a baby with temperament this is a way of engaging others. Many therapists see the entire idea of avoidant attachment in adult relationships as causing huge issues in therapy because people think it is permanent when it is just a state.
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-mysteries-love/201502/attachment-styles-cant-change-can-they

I was a disaster in my first “relationship” but 20 years later, I am vastly different. I couldn’t let the guy I was dating touch me because I was so avoidant (emotional/sexual abuse from dad at young age). I was just a mess. Now, I have a pretty healthy relationship and have been married for 15 years.

Don’t think this is set in stone, it is a bad pattern, but can change.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm an avoidant. I wouldn't wish it on someone else. It's easy to fall in love with me, hard to stay in love with me if you need reciprocal love consistently. I acknowledge the difficulty in maintaining relationships.

It sounds like you are anxious, not avoidant.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hmmm, I think I'm the avoidant. And yes, I had a rough childhood. I think my husband and I have a good relationship, but I suspect it would be closer if I weren't so avoidant. Same with our kids. I love them so much, and I would do anything for them, but I sense greater closeness in some other families, which makes me sad.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oh my goodness what is this? Comments above describe my husband!

And my wife!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm an avoidant. I wouldn't wish it on someone else. It's easy to fall in love with me, hard to stay in love with me if you need reciprocal love consistently. I acknowledge the difficulty in maintaining relationships.

It sounds like you are anxious, not avoidant.

No, that's avoidant behavior. A person with anxious attachment would reciprocate, eagerly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The more you show them love, the more they withdraw. So the only way to feel reciprocal love is to pull back. It’s tiring.

It's SO tiring. It also always has to be on their terms - the expression and amount expressed. My SO knows it's difficult though, so he is very appreciative that I stick with him. He also has some fears from growing up that seem to make him test me - like he wants to really be sure I won't leave him or stop loving him. Took a long time to understand that this wasn't about me but his comfort with intense feelings and fear of losing control.

Avoidant attachment styles stem from neglect/abuse in childhood. They are directly related.

What about those that are attracted to avoidants?

Could be the same

But also could be independent and empaths. As the former you don’t need a ton of attention or handholding, you’re quite capable. As an empath you give the benefit of the doubt for bad behavior, possibly too much. As both you might miss the patterns and signals or keep trying to make it work or trying to accommodate. But you’ll realize sooner than others, something is majorly wrong. But that might be a matter of years and a marriage or kid later…

Huh? That last post makes no sense. Independent and empath are not attachment styles. Also, it's avoidant people who tend to be most independent, and they are not generally attracted to other avoidants. Rather, it's often the anxiously attached who are attracted to avoidants. It creates a push-pull dynamic that is exhilarating initially and later destructive and demoralizing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. For the avoidants viewing can you tell us what it feels like to receive love? What is it about intimacy that scares you or turns you off? Are you capable of loving others? If so, how does this manifest itself?

OMG- this whole thing annoys me because I started dating as an avoidant, but it isn’t permanent. This isn’t a baby with temperament this is a way of engaging others. Many therapists see the entire idea of avoidant attachment in adult relationships as causing huge issues in therapy because people think it is permanent when it is just a state.
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-mysteries-love/201502/attachment-styles-cant-change-can-they

I was a disaster in my first “relationship” but 20 years later, I am vastly different. I couldn’t let the guy I was dating touch me because I was so avoidant (emotional/sexual abuse from dad at young age). I was just a mess. Now, I have a pretty healthy relationship and have been married for 15 years.

Don’t think this is set in stone, it is a bad pattern, but can change.

It actually is pretty hard wired, but it can be affected by context (e.g. An avoidant will probably be more avoidant with an anxious partner than with someone who's securely attached) and some conscious work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. For the avoidants viewing can you tell us what it feels like to receive love? What is it about intimacy that scares you or turns you off? Are you capable of loving others? If so, how does this manifest itself?

OMG- this whole thing annoys me because I started dating as an avoidant, but it isn’t permanent. This isn’t a baby with temperament this is a way of engaging others. Many therapists see the entire idea of avoidant attachment in adult relationships as causing huge issues in therapy because people think it is permanent when it is just a state.
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-mysteries-love/201502/attachment-styles-cant-change-can-they

I was a disaster in my first “relationship” but 20 years later, I am vastly different. I couldn’t let the guy I was dating touch me because I was so avoidant (emotional/sexual abuse from dad at young age). I was just a mess. Now, I have a pretty healthy relationship and have been married for 15 years.

Don’t think this is set in stone, it is a bad pattern, but can change.

It actually is pretty hard wired, but it can be affected by context (e.g. An avoidant will probably be more avoidant with an anxious partner than with someone who's securely attached) and some conscious work.

https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/can_you_cultivate_a_more_secure_attachment_style

[Anonymous]

This article has tips for how to improve your relationship with an avoidant partner: https://psychcentral.com/relationships/ways-to-increase-intimacy-and-communication-with-an-avoidant-partner#Lets-recap

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The more you show them love, the more they withdraw. So the only way to feel reciprocal love is to pull back. It’s tiring.

It's SO tiring. It also always has to be on their terms - the expression and amount expressed. My SO knows it's difficult though, so he is very appreciative that I stick with him. He also has some fears from growing up that seem to make him test me - like he wants to really be sure I won't leave him or stop loving him. Took a long time to understand that this wasn't about me but his comfort with intense feelings and fear of losing control.

Avoidant attachment styles stem from neglect/abuse in childhood. They are directly related.

It’s also mental illness. My son has been like this since a baby. It’s tiring being his mom too.