What’s it like loving an avoidant?

[Anonymous]

I am avoidant. I am very much in love with my partner.

I think the biggest trigger for me to go into my shell/pull back is when I feel like my partner is too reliant on me and I don't want the pressure. My partner is doing nothing wrong at all, but FOR ME, the feeling of being needed when I don't want to be feels like an imposition.

I am not afraid of intimacy or anything like that. But if it's not on my terms I find it impossible. The need to reciprocate when it is not coming organically form my own feelings is overwhelming to my brain and it shuts down. It feels artificial and then resentment sets in that I have to 'fake' it.

[Anonymous]

I feel it’s very draining. The ups and downs. I regret marrying her, but we have kids and I’m trying to find a way to make things better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am avoidant. I am very much in love with my partner.

I think the biggest trigger for me to go into my shell/pull back is when I feel like my partner is too reliant on me and I don't want the pressure. My partner is doing nothing wrong at all, but FOR ME, the feeling of being needed when I don't want to be feels like an imposition.

I am not afraid of intimacy or anything like that. But if it's not on my terms I find it impossible. The need to reciprocate when it is not coming organically form my own feelings is overwhelming to my brain and it shuts down. It feels artificial and then resentment sets in that I have to 'fake' it.

Completely relate to this. Well-said.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am avoidant. I am very much in love with my partner.

I think the biggest trigger for me to go into my shell/pull back is when I feel like my partner is too reliant on me and I don't want the pressure. My partner is doing nothing wrong at all, but FOR ME, the feeling of being needed when I don't want to be feels like an imposition.

I am not afraid of intimacy or anything like that. But if it's not on my terms I find it impossible. The need to reciprocate when it is not coming organically form my own feelings is overwhelming to my brain and it shuts down. It feels artificial and then resentment sets in that I have to 'fake' it.

Completely relate to this. Well-said.

Wow, this is exactly how I feel in my relationship and I didn’t even think I was avoidant. May share this with DH and our couples therapist. We just started therapy. Maybe I see whether she arrives at this conclusion first.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am avoidant. I am very much in love with my partner.

I think the biggest trigger for me to go into my shell/pull back is when I feel like my partner is too reliant on me and I don't want the pressure. My partner is doing nothing wrong at all, but FOR ME, the feeling of being needed when I don't want to be feels like an imposition.

I am not afraid of intimacy or anything like that. But if it's not on my terms I find it impossible. The need to reciprocate when it is not coming organically form my own feelings is overwhelming to my brain and it shuts down. It feels artificial and then resentment sets in that I have to 'fake' it.

Completely relate to this. Well-said.

I’m glad it’s not just me. I have done a of self reflecting on this because I do love my partner so much. He deserves to have his needs met. I want to meet them. But I can’t change who I am or how my brain works. I have tried. But there are times when I just cannot give.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm an avoidant. I wouldn't wish it on someone else. It's easy to fall in love with me, hard to stay in love with me if you need reciprocal love consistently. I acknowledge the difficulty in maintaining relationships.

It sounds like you are anxious, not avoidant.

Anxious Avoidant is an attachment style:

https://markmanson.net/attachment-styles#:~:text=Anxious%2DAvoidant%20Attachment%20Style&text=Anxious%2Davoidants%20are%20low%20in,emotions%2C%20preferring%20to%20suppress%20them.&text=However%2C%20they%20can%20have%20intense%20emotional%20outbursts%20when%20under%20stress.&text=They%20also%20don't%20tend,to%20a%20distrust%20of%20others.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am avoidant. I am very much in love with my partner.

I think the biggest trigger for me to go into my shell/pull back is when I feel like my partner is too reliant on me and I don't want the pressure. My partner is doing nothing wrong at all, but FOR ME, the feeling of being needed when I don't want to be feels like an imposition.

I am not afraid of intimacy or anything like that. But if it's not on my terms I find it impossible. The need to reciprocate when it is not coming organically form my own feelings is overwhelming to my brain and it shuts down. It feels artificial and then resentment sets in that I have to 'fake' it.

I think you are afraid of intimacy or at least not open to it. Intimacy isn’t something that should be on one persons terms, that’s selfish. Intimacy is about sharing and being open.