What’s it like loving an avoidant?

[Anonymous]

Anyone love an avoidant? What’s you’re experience like?

[Anonymous]

Not pleasant to be honest. I feel like I’m walking on egg shells too often. Sucks up a lot of energy. She’s also missing a lot of common sense too.

[Anonymous]

Hot & cold - when it's hot it's great but the cold is awful. I have learned though to not react at the swinging moods and that helps. I know that he needs to work things out for himself to calm his emotions or make them more manageable internally. I have a lot of patience now lol.

[Anonymous]

The more you show them love, the more they withdraw. So the only way to feel reciprocal love is to pull back. It’s tiring.

[Anonymous]

Oh my goodness what is this? Comments above describe my husband!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The more you show them love, the more they withdraw. So the only way to feel reciprocal love is to pull back. It’s tiring.

It's SO tiring. It also always has to be on their terms - the expression and amount expressed. My SO knows it's difficult though, so he is very appreciative that I stick with him. He also has some fears from growing up that seem to make him test me - like he wants to really be sure I won't leave him or stop loving him. Took a long time to understand that this wasn't about me but his comfort with intense feelings and fear of losing control.

[Anonymous]

It can be exciting while dating, but with the ups and downs of life it becomes unsustainable.

[Anonymous]

There have been a lot of big ups and downs. Fortunately, SO has enough self-awareness and has put a lot of effort into getting therapy and working on herself, and identifying her triggers. We’re on a good path now.

[Anonymous]

OP here. For those of you who are married, was the road leading up to engagement rocky? Or potentially drawn out to you?

[Anonymous]

There's a lot of work involved but the avoidant has to make all that work worthwhile.

[Anonymous]

This book helps you learn your own attachment style and how to deal with a partner/family member's style. Its been very helpful to me (I'm avoidant, partner is anxious): https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1641523557/ref=ppx_yo_dt_b_search_asin_title?ie=UTF8&psc=1


For those new to this, here's a quick summary:
https://www.npr.org/2022/02/09/1079587715/whats-your-attachment-style-quiz

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The more you show them love, the more they withdraw. So the only way to feel reciprocal love is to pull back. It’s tiring.

It's SO tiring. It also always has to be on their terms - the expression and amount expressed. My SO knows it's difficult though, so he is very appreciative that I stick with him. He also has some fears from growing up that seem to make him test me - like he wants to really be sure I won't leave him or stop loving him. Took a long time to understand that this wasn't about me but his comfort with intense feelings and fear of losing control.

Avoidant attachment styles stem from neglect/abuse in childhood. They are directly related.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Anyone love an avoidant? What’s you’re experience like?

In the long term like marriage? It’s lonely and depressing. You will lose yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The more you show them love, the more they withdraw. So the only way to feel reciprocal love is to pull back. It’s tiring.

It's SO tiring. It also always has to be on their terms - the expression and amount expressed. My SO knows it's difficult though, so he is very appreciative that I stick with him. He also has some fears from growing up that seem to make him test me - like he wants to really be sure I won't leave him or stop loving him. Took a long time to understand that this wasn't about me but his comfort with intense feelings and fear of losing control.

Avoidant attachment styles stem from neglect/abuse in childhood. They are directly related.

What about those that are attracted to avoidants?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The more you show them love, the more they withdraw. So the only way to feel reciprocal love is to pull back. It’s tiring.

It's SO tiring. It also always has to be on their terms - the expression and amount expressed. My SO knows it's difficult though, so he is very appreciative that I stick with him. He also has some fears from growing up that seem to make him test me - like he wants to really be sure I won't leave him or stop loving him. Took a long time to understand that this wasn't about me but his comfort with intense feelings and fear of losing control.

Avoidant attachment styles stem from neglect/abuse in childhood. They are directly related.

What about those that are attracted to avoidants?

Could be the same

But also could be independent and empaths. As the former you don’t need a ton of attention or handholding, you’re quite capable. As an empath you give the benefit of the doubt for bad behavior, possibly too much. As both you might miss the patterns and signals or keep trying to make it work or trying to accommodate. But you’ll realize sooner than others, something is majorly wrong. But that might be a matter of years and a marriage or kid later…