I want to make more friends but don't know where to start and how, please help!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you say you get tired. I believe that. I don't, but I believe it. So, you arrange (and yes you have to initiate) shorter social situations. Meet for coffee, go for a walk, go to a movie (because you won't have to interact for too long). Have an end time.

I feel like going for a walk and movie are for friends that are close already, no?

The movie, for sure. I’ve been for walks with people I was just getting to know but even that is more a close friend thing for me.

[Anonymous]

OP, identify the women with whom you connect the most, and ask if they want to get coffee, wine, whatever. Go from there. It's definitely like dating and IME when it's mutual, women are only too glad to reciprocate. I've made plenty of close friends as an adult (and an introvert) - you can do it!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OK, the moms on the sports teams that you chat with/carpool with - I'd start there. Depending on whether you think they'd be more into morning coffee meetup or evening drink meetup, choose one or the other and then send a casual invite to all of the moms on that team. Sometimes it's nice if it is at the beginning or ending of a season, gives you a little excuse - "Let's celebrate the end of a great season! WOuld love to get together for coffee on xx date at xx place (or come over for coffee/wine this night)" - and just see what happens. If you feel close to one mom, you could tell her your plan and then kind of coordinate dates so that you know she can probably make it...then that can help get the ball rolling.
It may not pan out, but it definitely is worth a try...this is what extroverts do, just throw it out there and see if you get something goingl..but don't be hurt if no one wants to, it's either they are busy or are feeling introverted/nervous themselves. It is worth a shot -somtimes it doesn't work out or it's just one and done, but other times the relationships have grown from there into close friendships.

This is OP, thank you for taking your time typing a thoughtful answer. Yes, throwing parties, I saw my extrovert friends do that so many times and I never understand how that was so fun for them LOL. Parties make me exhausted. But I am willing to give it try. I am also worried about not knowing how to entertain. What if they judge me on the food I prepared, or my home decor? How do i keep everyone entertained and fed? I am worried if I screw up no one would come to my house again...does this sound silly? yeah I think so too, but I am anxious like that when it comes to socializing.

Start small and in a neutral location.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you say you get tired. I believe that. I don't, but I believe it. So, you arrange (and yes you have to initiate) shorter social situations. Meet for coffee, go for a walk, go to a movie (because you won't have to interact for too long). Have an end time.

I feel like going for a walk and movie are for friends that are close already, no?

Movie, yes. Coffee or walks, no. On Friday, as I was finishing up my walk, some random person chatted me up about going on walks together. If I see her again on one of my walks, we will exchange numbers. I don't know if we'll be friends, but we can at least be walking buddies.

I'm an introvert as well, but I am good at randomly talking to strangers.

[Anonymous]

Some things that help is to have some common interest. So, start by figuring out what you do with your time. Parents do find it easier to associate and make friends with others who have kids in the same activities. That's an easy way to find people that you have something in common with. But I've found that unless you plan to volunteer or help with the kid-centric activities, that bond is enough to make acquaintances, but not really enough to make friends. You need something else in common to actually make friends.

But you can make friends with people who have other similar interests. If you like to read, then try to look to join or start a book club. Maybe you like word games on your phone (like the latest Wordle craze). Or you like gardening. Or you like to knit/crochet/embroider. Maybe you like to play music. Figure out what you enjoy, something that you'd be happy talking about and sharing with other people. Then try to find or join a group focused on that. For example, go to https://www.meetup.com and try to find an existing group near you to join. Or you can try to create one.

As for small talk and breaking the ice. I regularly go to a news aggregator like https://news.google.com. I try to spend at least 10-15 min per day and at a minimum scan the headlines for the big news of the day. I'll read a couple of articles about topics that seem interesting. Check the weather, check out big events coming to your area or just look for the headlines of the day. Check out at least the general headlines for the local pro sports teams. I have found that the information I've gleaned from a 2 minute scan of the headlines will often be just the ice breaker needed to start conversations. Sometimes the topic takes on a life of its own and your conversation partner will talk more. Other times the topic creates a jumping off point and once you've gotten over the "curb", you can start to talk about other things without the awkward "what to say now?" pauses. If I don't have any other time, I can sit in the pick-up line at school and read 10 minutes of headlines. Otherwise, I've gone to lunch alone and read 15 minutes of news on my phone while eating a sandwich. One of the big keys to being able to break the ice is to have something to talk about and general trivia news headlines and current events often serve that purpose well.

[Anonymous]

There is a great episode of Slate's "How To" ppdcast called How to Make Friends as an Adult. Gave me some good ideas!

[Anonymous]

We have made many family friends over the years. This works best when moms, dads and kids get along.

Friends of friends are the best. I made a few friends when my kids were young in moms groups, preschool or kindergarten. I feel after kindergarten, it becomes more drop off and everyone seems busy with siblings sports and activities so not as available to hang around as families.

I think the moms groups were good because you join the group to meet others. I am a pta mom and I don’t consider any of the pta moms my friends. We chair events together. We talk when we see one another. If I want to go out with a friend, I’m not reaching out to the pta mom that I sold raffle tickets with.

[Anonymous]

I'm an introvert OP, and my friends have mostly come from 2 activities: a book group, and a coed sport that I play.

It takes repeated exposure and time for me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you say you get tired. I believe that. I don't, but I believe it. So, you arrange (and yes you have to initiate) shorter social situations. Meet for coffee, go for a walk, go to a movie (because you won't have to interact for too long). Have an end time.

I feel like going for a walk and movie are for friends that are close already, no?

No. Not necessarily. You ask around other moms in your neighborhood who you meet at the busstop. "Hey, I am trying to get a bit more exercise and want to start walking. Any of you interested in walking with me in the evening or on the weekend?" You can do the same at work and go for a power walk at lunch with a group of co-workers.

To organize any kind of group activity, you first start with putting together a communication vehicle. In other words, get all the mom's phone number and permission to be on a group text. Then start organizing things. At the office, it is easy to send group of people an email. This is the easy way to meet people or organize a meetup. Our neighborhood has a listserv and that has enabled us to form friendships over the years and we are able to do lot stuff together. Same goes for the parents you meet through your kid activities. Of course, for each group of people, you also have to understand what they will be interested in.

You need to put yourself out there again and again. The most important thing to do is reciprocate to people as quickly as you can so that you keep getting invites and have time to spend with them. As one poster wrote, this is like dating. You cannot let many months go before inviting them or spending time with them. Have multiple groups of friends, and introduce them to each other. Also, understand that the people may be too overwhelmed to call people at home, so it is better that you are meeting them for walks, a movie, in a restaurant or other events. Not everything has to cost money. You can also do a lot of free events in your area. If these are parents, try and hang where the kids can also hang together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm an introvert OP, and my friends have mostly come from 2 activities: a book group, and a coed sport that I play.

It takes repeated exposure and time for me.

+1 We have a neighborhood potluck group of 7 families. We all are of different age groups but we all meet every month in someone's house for a potluck dinner. With repeated exposure and time, we have become part of each other's life.

You have to nurture relationships, meet people where they are and at their comfort level, be generous, allow people to flake out, welcome new people and introduce people to each other. This is a skill. The friendships will happen in their own time and within their own limits.

Lastly, it just may be that you will not have the close girlfriend that you hope for. Even that is ok. My closest friend BFF died in 2017. I have other friends too and I share some aspects of my life with them. It is very hard to find someone who is everything to you. People closest to me are my mom, DH, siblings, SIL, DD and DS. I am close to many of my cousins and aunts, many coworkers, many neighbors. But with each, I share some part of my life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OK, the moms on the sports teams that you chat with/carpool with - I'd start there. Depending on whether you think they'd be more into morning coffee meetup or evening drink meetup, choose one or the other and then send a casual invite to all of the moms on that team. Sometimes it's nice if it is at the beginning or ending of a season, gives you a little excuse - "Let's celebrate the end of a great season! WOuld love to get together for coffee on xx date at xx place (or come over for coffee/wine this night)" - and just see what happens. If you feel close to one mom, you could tell her your plan and then kind of coordinate dates so that you know she can probably make it...then that can help get the ball rolling.
It may not pan out, but it definitely is worth a try...this is what extroverts do, just throw it out there and see if you get something goingl..but don't be hurt if no one wants to, it's either they are busy or are feeling introverted/nervous themselves. It is worth a shot -somtimes it doesn't work out or it's just one and done, but other times the relationships have grown from there into close friendships.

This is OP, thank you for taking your time typing a thoughtful answer. Yes, throwing parties, I saw my extrovert friends do that so many times and I never understand how that was so fun for them LOL. Parties make me exhausted. But I am willing to give it try. I am also worried about not knowing how to entertain. What if they judge me on the food I prepared, or my home decor? How do i keep everyone entertained and fed? I am worried if I screw up no one would come to my house again...does this sound silly? yeah I think so too, but I am anxious like that when it comes to socializing.

Throwing parties is a skill and you can certainly learn this skill. Parties make everyone exhausted and tons of prep goes in throwing them. Even the extroverts get exhausted throwing parties but the fun comes from knowing that you are capable of entertaining and socializing. Also, people value friendships, meeting new friends and networking. They also want their children to know how to socialize and throw parties, So entertaining is very important part of socializing for them.

How about you start small? How about calling a few of the women you meet at the busstop for coffee/tea and some snacks. You can ask them to come over at around 4 pm on a weekend (give three weeks lead time), and serve some nice tea/coffee and appetizers/snacks. Don't worry about something elaborate. You can buy some nice cookies, some finger food, some frozen appetizers and makes some dainty sandwiches. Don't worry about what they think about your food or decor. Even if they have not charitable thoughts about you, your food or your home, no one wants to be the Betch and say that to another person. So they will not discuss you with each other. They might discuss you with their spouse.

After a few weeks, call them again for tea etc. They are also intimidated to call people over. When you show them that this can be done easily, they will also call the other ladies for tea or coffee at their home.

[Anonymous]

+ 1 on repeated exposure, but also it helps if you see them in multiple contexts. So, if you normally see someone at your child’s sports events, but then meet for a walk, and then meet up for drinks, you’ll feel more connected.

[Anonymous]

A good place to start may be to suggest a kid-friendly outing together.

Perhaps ask them if they would like to join you + your family for a family-friendly movie, dinner at a pizza place or even invite them to your home for a backyard barbecue/shindig.

This will give you an opportunity to get to know the parents in a non-pressure environment and allow you the time to figure out how compatible you may be.

Good luck!