I want to make more friends but don't know where to start and how, please help!

[Anonymous]

I am an introvert, I like being alone, social events makes me tired. However, recently I start to feel more and more lonely, I relocated and now have no friend nearby. I want to make more friends but don’t know how to. I seriously have no idea how to start. Looking back, all the friends I had/have are extroverts who would force me to go out with them, their enthusiasm made me want to go out and have fun. I also have a close friend who I started off not liking but a mutual extrovert friend made us hangout together and then a close friendship developed over time.

I am a married working mom in my late 30s, how can I meet new friends? Not acquaintances but true friends. I feel like everyone is nice, like all the moms at the kids’ bus stop and all the new neighbors, but our interactions are limited to small talks, how do you take it to the next level? I admit I am clueless, and I am quite frustrated. I feel like moms at this age already have their established friend circles, why would they want to invite me in? Especially when I am such an introvert?

I met some moms on my kids’ sport teams, we have a good time hanging out at the games and practices, we help each out on picking up/drop off, that kind of stuff, I genuinely like those people and want to be friends with them, but I don’t know how to initiate things. I know this sound silly but like I said, so far, all my friends are extreme extroverts so I never had to initiate a friendship, ugh, it just feels unnatural to me (I know it’s may sound weird).

I know I can always invite people over to the house to have wine or tea or dinner, but how does it work from there? I can only foresee lots of more small talks, how do you get over that stage?

Maybe my fellow introverts can chime in and share some insights? And extroverts could you please “teach” me how to be more social? I appreciate it!

[Anonymous]

You can't make true friends without the small talk and "getting to know" stuff. That's just life. You didn't marry your spouse after a few chit chats at the bus stop, right?

It's a lot like dating. You gotta try people on and see if they fit and if it's mutual, you keep hanging out.

So yes, you need to ask someone out (as a friend!). It can be with the kids, if that's easier, but also without. A walk, coffee, glass of wine on your patio. You might get rejected

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You can't make true friends without the small talk and "getting to know" stuff. That's just life. You didn't marry your spouse after a few chit chats at the bus stop, right?

It's a lot like dating. You gotta try people on and see if they fit and if it's mutual, you keep hanging out.

So yes, you need to ask someone out (as a friend!). It can be with the kids, if that's easier, but also without. A walk, coffee, glass of wine on your patio. You might get rejected

(sorry sent too soon)

You might get rejected, but you'll never make friends if you don't try!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You can't make true friends without the small talk and "getting to know" stuff. That's just life. You didn't marry your spouse after a few chit chats at the bus stop, right?

It's a lot like dating. You gotta try people on and see if they fit and if it's mutual, you keep hanging out.

So yes, you need to ask someone out (as a friend!). It can be with the kids, if that's easier, but also without. A walk, coffee, glass of wine on your patio. You might get rejected

I never thought of it like dating, ok, I think I just need to put all my worries aside and do it, although this is really hard for me. For dating, I never asked a guy out, for friends, it was always the extrovert one who dragged me along, I guess I have no choice now. Thank you for your reply

- OP

[Anonymous]

I'm kind of in the same boat as you, OP. I just took this new book out of the library, Platonic: How the Science of Attachment Can Help You Make--and Keep--Friends. I haven't gotten too far yet but hoping for some good ideas.

[Anonymous]

OK, the moms on the sports teams that you chat with/carpool with - I'd start there. Depending on whether you think they'd be more into morning coffee meetup or evening drink meetup, choose one or the other and then send a casual invite to all of the moms on that team. Sometimes it's nice if it is at the beginning or ending of a season, gives you a little excuse - "Let's celebrate the end of a great season! WOuld love to get together for coffee on xx date at xx place (or come over for coffee/wine this night)" - and just see what happens. If you feel close to one mom, you could tell her your plan and then kind of coordinate dates so that you know she can probably make it...then that can help get the ball rolling.
It may not pan out, but it definitely is worth a try...this is what extroverts do, just throw it out there and see if you get something goingl..but don't be hurt if no one wants to, it's either they are busy or are feeling introverted/nervous themselves. It is worth a shot -somtimes it doesn't work out or it's just one and done, but other times the relationships have grown from there into close friendships.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm kind of in the same boat as you, OP. I just took this new book out of the library, Platonic: How the Science of Attachment Can Help You Make--and Keep--Friends. I haven't gotten too far yet but hoping for some good ideas.
[/quote
I just listened to this on audio book and really appreciated it.

[Anonymous]

And one more thing to add - this is the start of what changes an acquaintance into a friendship. Meeting purposefully away from the soccer field & without children around brings up new topics & makes space for deeper conversations, having someone to your home helps them get to know you better, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm kind of in the same boat as you, OP. I just took this new book out of the library, Platonic: How the Science of Attachment Can Help You Make--and Keep--Friends. I haven't gotten too far yet but hoping for some good ideas.

I just put this book on hold at my local library, thank you for the recommendation!

OP

[Anonymous]

Volunteer for PTA or your local community association. Or anything that is important to you. The thing is, if you invite people over, you have to make the conversation. If you are part of a group who is planning something (fundraiser, event, membership drive, whatever), you automatically have something to talk about. I have made a lot of my best friends through PTA and not necessarily with people who have kids the same age or whose kids are friends with mine.

I've also found that initiating and just making a plan is half the battle. If you build it, they will come. I have found that very few people are planners but those who take the time to make a plan and facilitate getting people there will have more active social lives. In my group, that person is usually me and as much as that frustrates me, at least people will come if I ask. And it doesn't have to be fancy--a simple group text saying, "hey, was thinking of grabbing a coffee at xxx during practice if anyone wants to join me" will usually do the trick.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OK, the moms on the sports teams that you chat with/carpool with - I'd start there. Depending on whether you think they'd be more into morning coffee meetup or evening drink meetup, choose one or the other and then send a casual invite to all of the moms on that team. Sometimes it's nice if it is at the beginning or ending of a season, gives you a little excuse - "Let's celebrate the end of a great season! WOuld love to get together for coffee on xx date at xx place (or come over for coffee/wine this night)" - and just see what happens. If you feel close to one mom, you could tell her your plan and then kind of coordinate dates so that you know she can probably make it...then that can help get the ball rolling.
It may not pan out, but it definitely is worth a try...this is what extroverts do, just throw it out there and see if you get something goingl..but don't be hurt if no one wants to, it's either they are busy or are feeling introverted/nervous themselves. It is worth a shot -somtimes it doesn't work out or it's just one and done, but other times the relationships have grown from there into close friendships.

This is OP, thank you for taking your time typing a thoughtful answer. Yes, throwing parties, I saw my extrovert friends do that so many times and I never understand how that was so fun for them LOL. Parties make me exhausted. But I am willing to give it try. I am also worried about not knowing how to entertain. What if they judge me on the food I prepared, or my home decor? How do i keep everyone entertained and fed? I am worried if I screw up no one would come to my house again...does this sound silly? yeah I think so too, but I am anxious like that when it comes to socializing.

[Anonymous]

I have a few friends among fellow daycare parents but my friendships are deeper with people I met through my work or DH's work friends. If you meet people who happen to have kids, but whom you did not meet through your kids, you're likely to have more in common.

[Anonymous]

OP, you say you get tired. I believe that. I don't, but I believe it. So, you arrange (and yes you have to initiate) shorter social situations. Meet for coffee, go for a walk, go to a movie (because you won't have to interact for too long). Have an end time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Volunteer for PTA or your local community association. Or anything that is important to you. The thing is, if you invite people over, you have to make the conversation. If you are part of a group who is planning something (fundraiser, event, membership drive, whatever), you automatically have something to talk about. I have made a lot of my best friends through PTA and not necessarily with people who have kids the same age or whose kids are friends with mine.

I've also found that initiating and just making a plan is half the battle. If you build it, they will come. I have found that very few people are planners but those who take the time to make a plan and facilitate getting people there will have more active social lives. In my group, that person is usually me and as much as that frustrates me, at least people will come if I ask. And it doesn't have to be fancy--a simple group text saying, "hey, was thinking of grabbing a coffee at xxx during practice if anyone wants to join me" will usually do the trick.

This is OP, I want to volunteer at my kids' school PTA but isn't it time consuming? with kids sports I already feel like I have no time to even cook dinner LOL, I don't know how y'all other moms swing it.

I think you are right about initiating, that makes sense, I need to step out of my comfort zone I guess, this feels way worse than dating, I am already worried about being rejected...at least in dating if it doesn't work out you just stop seeing that person, but if I invite soccer moms over and can't make everyone have a good time, no one would come next time, and I still have to see them frequently. So much pressure!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you say you get tired. I believe that. I don't, but I believe it. So, you arrange (and yes you have to initiate) shorter social situations. Meet for coffee, go for a walk, go to a movie (because you won't have to interact for too long). Have an end time.

I feel like going for a walk and movie are for friends that are close already, no?