Advice on how to handle new info re trauma in birth family

[Anonymous]

They were both children experimenting. I am 2 years olde then my brother and I remember playing doctor when we were little. We were probably a little younger, but an 8 and 12 year old are still children. I am not saying what happened wasn’t bad or traumatizing because I don’t know who your brother was and he was 4 years older. That said, he was still very very young. Not a monster.

[Anonymous]

Also, keep in mind, your brother was likely abused himself by someone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:People hardly ever make things like this up. I would believe your sister but also seek more information and/or talk to your brother about it as well.

He would probably deny it or minimize it even if he is guilty. There’s a small chance that your sister made it up. (I doubt this but it’s possible especially since you said she has mental illness) in that case, I think your brother deserves to know what he has been accused of so he can defend himself.

But most likely this did happen. People don’t often fabricate stories of sexual abuse especially when it’s by a family member and doing so will cause family disharmony.

It’s likely your sister has struggled from the trauma of this all her life and good for her for finally sharing it w you.

Why do you say that people don’t often make stuff like this up? Maybe my perspective is skewed by having a family member who has delusions, but honestly this isn’t my experience at all. I think a lot of people make stuff like this up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They were both children experimenting. I am 2 years olde then my brother and I remember playing doctor when we were little. We were probably a little younger, but an 8 and 12 year old are still children. I am not saying what happened wasn’t bad or traumatizing because I don’t know who your brother was and he was 4 years older. That said, he was still very very young. Not a monster.

You were not there, and you do not know.

[Anonymous]

My brother sodomized me when I was 11. My parents knew and did nothing, for my brother was the favored one. I am 66 years old and am only now accepting that I no longer have to hate myself, and that although my parents thought I was a worthless piece of sh*t, I am not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My brother sodomized me when I was 11. My parents knew and did nothing, for my brother was the favored one. I am 66 years old and am only now accepting that I no longer have to hate myself, and that although my parents thought I was a worthless piece of sh*t, I am not.

I am sorry for what you have suffered. I'm a few years younger than you and also dealing with the effects of having sh1t parents who abused me, didn't protect me and who blamed me for what others did to me. As children, we blame ourselves. Now we know it was our parent's' duty to protect us and they failed miserably. I wish you peace and continued healing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My brother sodomized me when I was 11. My parents knew and did nothing, for my brother was the favored one. I am 66 years old and am only now accepting that I no longer have to hate myself, and that although my parents thought I was a worthless piece of sh*t, I am not.

I'm so sorry, PP.

- fellow survivor

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My brother sodomized me when I was 11. My parents knew and did nothing, for my brother was the favored one. I am 66 years old and am only now accepting that I no longer have to hate myself, and that although my parents thought I was a worthless piece of sh*t, I am not.

My heart goes out to you, PP. I am so sorry.

I am still grappling with my own history. It’s hard.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hi OP, survivor here. I know DCUM prides itself on having the highest pay grades around , but as the saying goes - this is above DCUM’s pay grade. I would reach out to a therapist who specifically works with families where there has been sexual abuse and/or addiction. Go and talk through everything you are thinking and feeling, including ideas on next steps for yourself. Best of luck, whether it is true or not (and it is absolutely almost always true 99% of the time), your family of origin and those relationships are already in a place that will never be the same, and this is something you will navigate for the rest of your life. Hugs.

OP here. Thank you all for your responses, and for sharing your own painful experiences. PP here, thank you especially for this bolded sentence which exactly nails where I am right now.

You all are raising all the issues/questions/challenges swirling in my head. I already knew that all of us growing up in my parent's house experienced significant trauma, but now I'm discovering a whole new layer and that is what is changing things unexpectedly and permanently.

My sister has a whole team of people supporting her, and I have a great therapist so will absolutely use that resource. And certainly my brother has to have experienced a level of trauma about which I was unaware. It's all just awful, and so much more awful than I knew - and that's a lot to process.

At least my therapist is guaranteed continued steady income! (insert pained emoji here...)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hi OP, survivor here. I know DCUM prides itself on having the highest pay grades around , but as the saying goes - this is above DCUM’s pay grade. I would reach out to a therapist who specifically works with families where there has been sexual abuse and/or addiction. Go and talk through everything you are thinking and feeling, including ideas on next steps for yourself. Best of luck, whether it is true or not (and it is absolutely almost always true 99% of the time), your family of origin and those relationships are already in a place that will never be the same, and this is something you will navigate for the rest of your life. Hugs.

OP here. Thank you all for your responses, and for sharing your own painful experiences. PP here, thank you especially for this bolded sentence which exactly nails where I am right now.

You all are raising all the issues/questions/challenges swirling in my head. I already knew that all of us growing up in my parent's house experienced significant trauma, but now I'm discovering a whole new layer and that is what is changing things unexpectedly and permanently.

My sister has a whole team of people supporting her, and I have a great therapist so will absolutely use that resource. And certainly my brother has to have experienced a level of trauma about which I was unaware. It's all just awful, and so much more awful than I knew - and that's a lot to process.

At least my therapist is guaranteed continued steady income! (insert pained emoji here...)

Hi OP, I'm the PP who wrote that and I am glad it resonated. I totally get it. I am glad to hear you have a great therapist already! It is hard for people who haven't been there to understand, but the family you thought you knew ended the very moment your sister told you this about your brother. It doesn't mean a lot of these relationships don't have a future or that a new, better dynamic can't emerge one day, but the past dynamic cannot be reclaimed, returned to or "fixed" in any way. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like your family of origin was pretty horrific OP. I think the posters saying to focus on what is actually yours to deal with are right. You can't change the past, and if you didn't inflict the harm then you aren't responsible for fixing things now.

I have addict siblings also and it's a whole set of difficulties trying to know what is or isn't true, or what to react to or not, just with those dynamics. I can't imagine adding the trauma of sexual abuse onto that decades later and trying to untangle things.

In my opinion, at some point we're all adults and we're all responsible for figuring out how to work through our junk ourselves. Whatever I was put through as a kid I have to deal with as an adult but that's my responsibility - no one else's.

I wish you luck!

[Anonymous]

You should believe your sister is how you should proceed. People with attitudes like yours are the exact reason why I have never told my family about the abuse I suffered at the hands of a family member because not being believed would actually be worse than the assault trauma. You suck op.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They were both children experimenting. I am 2 years olde then my brother and I remember playing doctor when we were little. We were probably a little younger, but an 8 and 12 year old are still children. I am not saying what happened wasn’t bad or traumatizing because I don’t know who your brother was and he was 4 years older. That said, he was still very very young. Not a monster.

I have an 8 and 12 year old. This is 100% not acceptable. 5 and 7 maybe, but 12 year old is an entirely different thing. Have you seen a 12 year old girl recently? Some of them are as developed as I am.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My brother sodomized me when I was 11. My parents knew and did nothing, for my brother was the favored one. I am 66 years old and am only now accepting that I no longer have to hate myself, and that although my parents thought I was a worthless piece of sh*t, I am not.

I am so very sorry. This is heartbreaking.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They were both children experimenting. I am 2 years olde then my brother and I remember playing doctor when we were little. We were probably a little younger, but an 8 and 12 year old are still children. I am not saying what happened wasn’t bad or traumatizing because I don’t know who your brother was and he was 4 years older. That said, he was still very very young. Not a monster.

Speaking as someone who was molested by my 4 years older brother when we were young, I agree. My brother is not a monster, and in fact he probably was traumatized himself, which makes me so, so sad. The experience was also very traumatizing for me.

We have a pretty close relationship now and have never talked about it. But, I’ve done a lot of therapy.

I’m so sorry your family is going through this OP.