Advice on how to handle new info re trauma in birth family

[Anonymous]

I have recently been told by my sister that my brother sexually molested her when we were children. (I'm the oldest, these events happened when my brother was 12 and sister was 8, and may have occurred again when both were in their teens. Details are unclear.)

Our parents are deceased and we are all in our late 40's and 50's. We have never been estranged from each other, but both of them have had lifelong struggles w/ mental illness and addiction. (I have not.)

I will never be able to know the truth of the extent of what did or did not happen 40+ years ago. I have only heard one person's side of things so far, but no matter what the details are - it seems some level of trauma occurred. It is a lot for me to wrap my head around, and cannot help but change my view of my family of birth, and potentially my current relationships with them.

Wondering if anyone here has been through anything similar and might have any advice on how to navigate this?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have recently been told by my sister that my brother sexually molested her when we were children. (I'm the oldest, these events happened when my brother was 12 and sister was 8, and may have occurred again when both were in their teens. Details are unclear.)

Our parents are deceased and we are all in our late 40's and 50's. We have never been estranged from each other, but both of them have had lifelong struggles w/ mental illness and addiction. (I have not.)

I will never be able to know the truth of the extent of what did or did not happen 40+ years ago. I have only heard one person's side of things so far, but no matter what the details are - it seems some level of trauma occurred. It is a lot for me to wrap my head around, and cannot help but change my view of my family of birth, and potentially my current relationships with them.

Wondering if anyone here has been through anything similar and might have any advice on how to navigate this?

This is what jumps out to me. How can you be sure if you'be only heard one persons side, and you said they have struggled with mental health and addiction issues? Doesn't seem like the most reliable source. Maybe get both sides of the story.

[Anonymous]

No, no no.....

Abusers often deny their actions, so you can't rely on the other side of the story to get to the truth.

OP, you may never truly know the answer. Please support your sister and, if nothing else, believe in her feelings and trauma. And assuming her mental illness doesn't cause delusions, perhaps believe her side of the story too....

[Anonymous]

Why do you call them your birth family and not your family?

[Anonymous]

Yeah, I've experienced a similar situation. It involved my Mom and her brother. She told me when when I was around 40. Up until that time, never a word, my uncle was a part of our lives. It came out of the blue. There's a lot I regret about that time and wish I had done some things differently.

Is your sister working with a therapist? Would she be willing to let you come to a session so you can ask questions, learn more? I would highly encourage you to do this if you can. My mother made the offer for me to do this and I didn't take her up on it, I wish I had as now I don't really know what happened (not that I needed specific details, but a little more info to help me understand would have been good). I supported my mom and she wanted to cut him out of our lives and we did, but now it feels unresolved to me.

I would also encourage you to think about what you need / what you want to do.

It's a lot to process and it changes how you feel about your family. You are going to feel resentment.

[Anonymous]

People hardly ever make things like this up. I would believe your sister but also seek more information and/or talk to your brother about it as well.

He would probably deny it or minimize it even if he is guilty. There’s a small chance that your sister made it up. (I doubt this but it’s possible especially since you said she has mental illness) in that case, I think your brother deserves to know what he has been accused of so he can defend himself.

But most likely this did happen. People don’t often fabricate stories of sexual abuse especially when it’s by a family member and doing so will cause family disharmony.

It’s likely your sister has struggled from the trauma of this all her life and good for her for finally sharing it w you.

[Anonymous]

I would not talk to your brother about it. But I would listen to your sister and be empathetic. I would find out if she is getting help and support professionally from a therapist or her own family (DH or whatever). But I wouldn't wade in and take charge, like some people are suggesting here.

[Anonymous]

Went to a drug seminar a while back. The link between sexual abuse and addiction is significant. Forget the stats. I’m sure you can look it up. It was like 70% of adolescents using drugs and alcohol have been sexual abused.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have recently been told by my sister that my brother sexually molested her when we were children. (I'm the oldest, these events happened when my brother was 12 and sister was 8, and may have occurred again when both were in their teens. Details are unclear.)

Our parents are deceased and we are all in our late 40's and 50's. We have never been estranged from each other, but both of them have had lifelong struggles w/ mental illness and addiction. (I have not.)

I will never be able to know the truth of the extent of what did or did not happen 40+ years ago. I have only heard one person's side of things so far, but no matter what the details are - it seems some level of trauma occurred. It is a lot for me to wrap my head around, and cannot help but change my view of my family of birth, and potentially my current relationships with them.

Wondering if anyone here has been through anything similar and might have any advice on how to navigate this?

Why would you not believe what your sister is telling you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why do you call them your birth family and not your family?

It’s a shame you feel the need to be so pedantic - she was obviously distinguishing between her family of spouse + kid(s) and her family of origin.

[Anonymous]

If sister is bi polar, I'd take the story with a grain of salt. My bi polar niece made similar accusations during a depressive cycle. It was like she dropped a bomb on the entire family. Despite the efforts and support of several family members, she wouldn't provide important details, nor would she agree to therapy, either solo or with family. This was distressing because we had young children and were looking at each other and everyone else as potential molestors. I even raked through my memories to see if I could've done something to het, which is crazy because I don't harm children. She has retracted and restated the accusation a few times, but never tells us who did it, when it happened, nothing. None of us have any idea if she was or wasn't molested and there is nothing we can do to help her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would not talk to your brother about it. But I would listen to your sister and be empathetic. I would find out if she is getting help and support professionally from a therapist or her own family (DH or whatever). But I wouldn't wade in and take charge, like some people are suggesting here.

Absolutely this! You can't resolve this, OP. Focusing on supporting your sister: regardless of the 'truth', she needs support.

[Anonymous]

Hi OP, survivor here. I know DCUM prides itself on having the highest pay grades around , but as the saying goes - this is above DCUM’s pay grade. I would reach out to a therapist who specifically works with families where there has been sexual abuse and/or addiction. Go and talk through everything you are thinking and feeling, including ideas on next steps for yourself. Best of luck, whether it is true or not (and it is absolutely almost always true 99% of the time), your family of origin and those relationships are already in a place that will never be the same, and this is something you will navigate for the rest of your life. Hugs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If sister is bi polar, I'd take the story with a grain of salt. My bi polar niece made similar accusations during a depressive cycle. It was like she dropped a bomb on the entire family. Despite the efforts and support of several family members, she wouldn't provide important details, nor would she agree to therapy, either solo or with family. This was distressing because we had young children and were looking at each other and everyone else as potential molestors. I even raked through my memories to see if I could've done something to het, which is crazy because I don't harm children. She has retracted and restated the accusation a few times, but never tells us who did it, when it happened, nothing. None of us have any idea if she was or wasn't molested and there is nothing we can do to help her.

PP makes a very good point above, OP. The nature of your sister's mental illness could be a factor here. I am NOT saying "don't believe her." But I am saying, if her illness includes any delusional aspects, that may have to be something you take into account as PP notes. Is your sister getting any treatment, by the way? How is her current state? If she told you this bombshell while she's in successful treatment and not prone to delusional statements, that's a factor too.

If you have kids, OP, it's also worth noting you should have your parental radar turned up high and not let your kids be around your brother alone, or where he could get them alone. Unfortunately, you have to make an asssumption that if your sister is telling the full truth, your brother could be a real risk to your own children. If your kids are older, were they around him as younger kids?

[Anonymous]

So wait, this allegedly happened when they were BOTH children? 8 and 12? This was not a child/adult dynamic. And they both have histories of mental illness and addiction? You were a sounding board for your sister so show empathy and kindness for what she believes may have happened, but don't carry any water for her on this. This is not for you to solve or prove or rectify.