Daughter basing college selection on where her boyfriend goes

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Very but being pissed will only push them together.

This. It’s absolutely a stupid idea but you telling her that isn’t going to help. I would talk to her about what she wants for her life (professionally, not romantically) and about opportunities and opening doors, how she owes it to herself to explore her own potential. BUT I would do this while also acknowledging that the boyfriend issue is on her mind, and would remain positive about him and talk to her about how they could visit each other at school, visit each other on breaks, etc

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would be pissed but mostly at myself for raising a young woman who finds this acceptable. It indicates a weak will, poor self esteem, and lack of coping skills. Why does she believe she needs this boy in her life to function?

I would not pay for it, either.

She doesn’t have low self esteem, she’s in love.

It’s low self esteem.

[Anonymous]

Hell no. I certainly hope you’re not going to pay for her to throw away her potential for a high school boyfriend.

[Anonymous]

Time to cut the apron strings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My daughter and her boyfriend have been together for a year. She has a higher gpa and test scores than him so will most likely get into higher ranked schools. Boyfriend’s parents are moving out of state after graduation so if they attend separate colleges, there would really be no way for them to see each other. Because of this she is planning on attending a lower ranked school that she’s rather sure he’ll get into.
How p*ssed would you be about this?

You need to help her check the facts on this one and sell the long distance thing. They could easily get a summer job/internship in the same place together, whether it’s in your town, either of the college towns, or the parents’ new town. He can come visit or she can go visit at winter break. They can travel together for spring break. Plenty of opportunities to see each other during the year, blah blah blah. Of course you don’t really want her to be tied down long distance but this at least gets her where she needs to be.

They don’t need to go to the same school, either, to still be near each other. Research areas where she can go to a higher ranked school and he can go to one in his wheelhouse? There are lots of cities that have several schools.

Can’t you sell the benefits of going to different schools but offer for him to live at your house during summer so he could do internships here? Most likely, they will break up at some point but at least you can act like you are supportive of them and finding ways for them to be together even if they go to different colleges?

[Anonymous]

Which college or university does her boyfriend plan to attend ? This information would be helpful in generating creative suggestions (I have 2 in mind) that might satisfy all parties). If you don't want to disclose, I understand.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My daughter and her boyfriend have been together for a year. She has a higher gpa and test scores than him so will most likely get into higher ranked schools. Boyfriend’s parents are moving out of state after graduation so if they attend separate colleges, there would really be no way for them to see each other. Because of this she is planning on attending a lower ranked school that she’s rather sure he’ll get into.
How p*ssed would you be about this?

Not pissed at all. I married my high school sweetheart and he got higher scores than I did, but didn’t do well on standardized tests. Whereas I always did well on them. 1590 SAT.

28 years later we are still married and also know we have zero say in where our now adult daughter went to uni.

College entrance is so competitive now, you have no idea which school they will get into.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would be pissed but mostly at myself for raising a young woman who finds this acceptable. It indicates a weak will, poor self esteem, and lack of coping skills. Why does she believe she needs this boy in her life to function?

I would not pay for it, either.

LOL you don’t have a teenager. I’m not sure you were ever a teenager yourself. I actually think you went from elementary straight to judgmental and bitter old hag

[Anonymous]

Let her live. For all you know, they school she/they pick will be a better fit for her on a personal level if not academic. That is equally to more important. If she’s so bright, she’ll end up in grad school anyway. It’s not like she’s walking away from a full ride to Harvard. Remember, undergrad is meaningless in the real world unless someone needs to talk crap about you under-performing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Let her live. For all you know, they school she/they pick will be a better fit for her on a personal level if not academic. That is equally to more important. If she’s so bright, she’ll end up in grad school anyway. It’s not like she’s walking away from a full ride to Harvard. Remember, undergrad is meaningless in the real world unless someone needs to talk crap about you under-performing.

What happens when they inevitably break up and she wants to leave the school so she doesn’t have to run into him anymore?

I would tell her that if they break up, she can’t come home and I’m not paying tuition at a new school.

[Anonymous]

DCUM catnip. Nice job.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn’t. It’s her life. Right now, she sees the boyfriend as a significant part of it. He may or may not remain significant. Assuming the college she’s going to is accredited, she’ll be able to get an education and can transfer later if she wants.

I don’t think that going to the most prestigious school is necessarily the optimal outcome. I think the important thing is to get the best match between the student and the school, and the criteria for that is as individual as the students themselves. Some may prioritize a small, close-knit, supportive college, with lots of personal attention, and would feel lost or overwhelmed at a large school. Others might feel vitalized by a large school and feel cramped in a small one. Greek/non-Greek, Rural/urban, near/distant from home, sports, music, faculty, expense, majors, class-size, etc., may all factor into a college selection. Any of these can prepare a student for the future, assuming they apply themselves and use the opportunities provided.

Academic success and subsequent career trajectory are only part of her future. Each individual also needs to determine along the way whether they’ll find a partner, have a child or children, etc. At this point it’s impossible to tell if they’ll end up together, much less build a happy life together, but that’s for them to decide. It might not be on the timetable you envisioned, but sometimes life doesn’t go according to plan. If I thought he was abusing her or getting her into risky behaviors like drugs, I’d have a problem. Otherwise, her making plans to go to the same college as her boyfriend seems like a sensible choice.

You don’t seem to object to the boyfriend personally, just that she’s going to a lower ranked college than she might otherwise. Living her life and building her future is more important than you bragging about her doing the things you value. It’s not about you.

[Anonymous]

This thread from April might be illuminating-

https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/1048400.page

[Anonymous]

Tell her she has the higher stats, so she picks a school first, and he follows her to a nearby school of lesser caliber. And when he says no way, me first, she will see what his love is truly made of. If he doesn't love her enough for her to go to the best school she can get into, he doesn't love her. Tell her she should never play second fiddle to a lesser man.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Which college or university does her boyfriend plan to attend ? This information would be helpful in generating creative suggestions (I have 2 in mind) that might satisfy all parties). If you don't want to disclose, I understand.

Assuming that you do not want to disclose the BF's school, I can offer some non-specific suggestions.

1) They can study abroad for a semester on the same program. Many programs accept students from any school.

2) Many schools allow students to enroll as visiting students for a semester or for a year.

3) Attend school in the Claremont consortium where each of the five undergraduate schools allows students to use their facilities.

4) Go to schools which are within a short commute from one another.