Reply to How to diffuse defensiveness

Forum Index » Relationship Discussion (non-explicit)

Reply to "How to diffuse defensiveness"

Subject:

Emoticons





More smilies

Text Color: Font: Close Marks

[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Well you can't make someone else feel anything. You can only communicate expectations and boundaries. But assuming that there's a rational human who wants to be on good terms with his family in there, I think I'd just say something simple and direct like, "[b]Are you interpreting my offer as criticism? It wasn't intended that way[/b]." And then my next move would depend on how he reacts. If he can't self-regulate and take a breather when he needs one, or recognize when he's overreacted, then all I can do is remove myself until he can treat me respectfully. i'd say just that . . . "I'm removing myself until you can treat me respectfully." But if he can use my feedback to gain self awareness, then I'd try to be encouraging of that process. "It's OK honey; we all get defensive sometimes. I love you and I want to be a good partner to you. Just make sure not to direct your defensiveness at me because nobody needs that."

My husband sees a therapist and has worked on himself a lot so we can have conversations like this. Recently I brought up something that caused him to be defensive and I just said calmly, "I'm not going to absorb your defensiveness. I'm just bringing this up because I hope that you can be curious about what hurts me and hold space for it." And he said, huh, yeah, I see what you're saying. He was panicking because he actually was responsible for the thing that hurt me but what I needed from him was to be able to separate himself from his shame and view me with empathy. These things take practice and, most crucially, two partners who are all in.

[/quote]

I am writing that line down. Thank you for your thoughtful response![/quote]

I think that’s fine if you mean it. But if you are offering to do something because you are annoyed he has not done it yet it is a criticism and it’s wrong to pretend otherwise. Criticism can be merited, but you should own up to it[/quote]

I can get why the yard work might sound like criticism if your mind is bent that way, but in my mind it was so hot out and has been so wet, that the yard seemed like it would be difficult to mow, and I wanted to save him some work by hiring the folks with the big mowers. And I told him that. The coughing example was when he had covid, and I actually started that conversation with "Are you OK?" because I didn't think he was. These are normal conversational things, such as me saying "I prefer the Stonyfield Farms cottage cheese to Hood" and him responding with a defensive "That's all they had!!" ... I get that he's hearing it as "Why did you buy the wrong cottage cheese??!!!???" but that isn't what I said.  I try to express appreciation and thank my husband for doing groceries (or whatever), but I feel as if whenever I open my mouth it is subject to misinterpretation.  It sounds as if I have to start every conversation with my husband saying "this isn't meant as criticism" .

I have in the past waited and circled back and said "Why the upset over XYZ?" but I'm clearly not doing it right.

[/quote]

I mean this gently, but you sound a little clueless. If I bought my H something at the store, and the first words out of his mouth were “I prefer the other brand”, I’d be pretty irritated and would tell him to do his own shopping from now on. [/quote]

Yes, I took OP's initial post at face value . . . that DH is reacting in a defensive way that's irrational or disproportionate. But with this example I would interpret someone announcing they like another brand better after I've bought them THIS brand as criticizing my efforts. That's not to say that it's not important information, but the timing is important. Save that for when you're making the shopping list next time. "By the way I only like this brand so don't get it if they only have that other brand."

I think this type of dynamic is pretty common in marriages because we treat the other person how WE want to be treated, but it turns out we're different people. If I'm a direct person, then I want people to be direct with me and I'm not going to take it personally. But if my spouse is a peacemaker, then they prefer to prioritize harmony over saying the truth immediately every single time. So the trick is for the direct person to think more like the harmonizer and for the harmonizer to think more like the direct person, and to give grace and assume good intentions. [/quote]

Options

	Disable HTML in this message
	Disable BB Code in this message
	Disable smilies in this message

Review message

Search Recent Topics Hottest Topics