My kids refuse to meet by boyfriend

[Anonymous]

It seems like it's one upheaval after another for these kids. Their dad remarried way too soon. They aren't eager to have another major life change forced upon them, and that's what this is. They're going to have to share their time with you and put up with this guy all the time, potentially live with him. What's in it for them? Nothing at all.

6-7 months is a short time in this context. I wouldn't say it's wrong to introduce, but if you force this you may be poisoning your relationship with them and him for years to come. They aren't ready. You wish they were, but they aren't, and that's the reality. Kind of like how they wish their parents had a happy marriage, but they didn't, and they have to deal with that reality. I would give it until a full year at least.

[Anonymous]

People not getting what they want when they want it is basically how post-divorce family life works. Why would you think you can have the family and holidays you want with the people you love all together, when they never will have that again? Sorry but the only way to have okay-ish relationships in a divorced family is with a huge amount of patience and compromise.

[Anonymous]

Go ahead and have your BF meet your family and siblings if you like. If you've offered the kids the opportunity to meet him and they decline, I don't see a problem going ahead with others.

It's two years since the stepmother was forced into their lives. Starting middle school, starting puberty, and starting high school are all major big deal changes. They're not interested in another big change and I don't blame them. You'll do better with a low-pressure approach. If you do force it, be prepared for them to be really rude and hostile and act out during and after. Is that what you want?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So what is their reason? Why don’t they ever want to meet him? You have to share more about what they’re saying to you if you’re going to get any decent advice.

It’s complicated. I think they don’t want a “step-dad” even though I do not have plans to marry him any time soon. I think they felt like they were forced to have a step-mom a little too soon and don’t want to have to deal with the general awkwardness and change to the family dynamic that comes with welcoming a new person into the family. I think they are all retry typical and understandable reasons.

Of course they don’t want to. It’s basically all risk from their perspective — my parents got divorced, we were teenagers when she started dating, our mom’s BF made it endlessly clear that he didn’t like how we acted, how she parented us, etc. That’s a pretty common dynamic. Obviously you need to do what makes sense from your perspective and the kids surely don’t get a veto, but try to keep in mind that while them meeting your BF is a positive step for you, it may well be a negative step for them and that perspective is legitimate.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks for all this feedback. I am definitely “in my feelings” about it, and they have every reason to not be excited about meeting him. I have had lots of talks with them about it but I’m going to drop it for now. The more I “push the issue,” the more resistant they’ll be. There is so much they don’t have control over and I want them to know their boundaries matter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for all this feedback. I am definitely “in my feelings” about it, and they have every reason to not be excited about meeting him. I have had lots of talks with them about it but I’m going to drop it for now. The more I “push the issue,” the more resistant they’ll be. There is so much they don’t have control over and I want them to know their boundaries matter.

Good plan. And listen, if you decide not to do it right now-- you're still the one making the decision. You're getting information from them and it's an important factor in your decision, but it's your decision. And you don't have to tell them the reason for your choice.

[Anonymous]

At the end of the day, it seems like what you want is for them to *like* your boyfriend, not just to meet him, right? But you really can't make anyone like anyone. So if you did force a meeting and they come out of it saying they hate the guy, what have you really achieved here?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Kids first, BFs dead last. Give it a few more years. Just date him when the kids are at their dad's place.

This. Kids are the victims of their parents’ bad choices.

Oh, shut up. You come on here all the time with this BS. Go way you shrew!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Kids first, BFs dead last. Give it a few more years. Just date him when the kids are at their dad's place.

This. Kids are the victims of their parents’ bad choices.

Oh, shut up. You come on here all the time with this BS. Go way you shrew!

DP Lots of people would agree with this. What makes you think it's just one "shrew" trying to poison every thread? Kids ARE the victims of their parents' bad choices and if that triggers you too much you might want to take a hard look at what you've been up to.

[Anonymous]

Your the only parent they have left with undivided loyalty to them. Can't blame them for not wanting to give that up.

[Anonymous]

Classic example of how Dads get off easy in these situations. I am in the same boat, OP--more or less. Divorced since 2015. Dad remarried to a woman with a 3 kids. They seem ok with that. I have been dating my bf since 2017 and while my kids have met him and are very comfortable with us dating, they'd lose their minds if he were to move in. So....no marriage in the future.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Classic example of how Dads get off easy in these situations. I am in the same boat, OP--more or less. Divorced since 2015. Dad remarried to a woman with a 3 kids. They seem ok with that. I have been dating my bf since 2017 and while my kids have met him and are very comfortable with us dating, they'd lose their minds if he were to move in. So....no marriage in the future.

Alienating your children is not getting off easy. He'll pay the price in time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t understand why they need to meet him. They know he exists.

Agree.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for all this feedback. I am definitely “in my feelings” about it, and they have every reason to not be excited about meeting him. I have had lots of talks with them about it but I’m going to drop it for now. The more I “push the issue,” the more resistant they’ll be. There is so much they don’t have control over and I want them to know their boundaries matter.

Good insight, OP. You seem like a thoughtful person, to read responses and hear advice. The kids matter and won't be kids forever. You're allowed a social life and they're allowed to not be part of it. Continue being the good mom that you are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for all this feedback. I am definitely “in my feelings” about it, and they have every reason to not be excited about meeting him. I have had lots of talks with them about it but I’m going to drop it for now. The more I “push the issue,” the more resistant they’ll be. There is so much they don’t have control over and I want them to know their boundaries matter.

Good insight, OP. You seem like a thoughtful person, to read responses and hear advice. The kids matter and won't be kids forever. You're allowed a social life and they're allowed to not be part of it. Continue being the good mom that you are.

You're fine, OP. Sometimes in life you get what you get. They get to be children of divorce all their lives. You get to have your boyfriend but separately. Nobody's going to have the family they truly want here, and that goes for you as well as them. You have to just accept it and stop fantasizing about how great life could be if only their feelings were different. They're probably thinking that if their parents' feelings were different, their lives would be different too.