My kids refuse to meet by boyfriend

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What needs of yours won't be met if your kids don't meet your BF? What feelings of yours is it hurting? I think sorting that out is a good place to start, maybe?

This. Don’t dilute your kid time with your bf time. You have 1/2 of your time that you can see him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Kids first, BFs dead last. Give it a few more years. Just date him when the kids are at their dad's place.

This. Kids are the victims of their parents’ bad choices.

Oh, shut up. You come on here all the time with this BS. Go way you shrew!

np It isn't bs. I suspect the pp hits close to home and that is why you lashed out. How is it not?

[Anonymous]

Right calll, OP. Surely you understand, you cannot be all "Togetherness! Faaaaamily!" when their family is gone.

They may never, ever like your boyfriend. After a while it may seem reasonable to insist on time together, but really ask yourself how that benefits anyone including you. The world is full of adults who dislike their parents' new partners. It's a common outcome of divorce and you need to accept that it may be your future.

[Anonymous]

How do you envision this going, OP? This kind of thing is super awkward at best. It's not like everyone's going to love him as much as you do-- they're not dating him! And you're the one who's doing this voluntarily, they're doing it under pressure. They may come out of this liking him even less than they do now-- or he may come out of this liking them (and you) less.

If he's not going to have what it takes to be their stepfather, it's probably best that you find out now, so that can be a good thing. But in general, you can't have new relationship goggles about this. Nobody likes your boyfriend as much as you do. That's normal life!

[Anonymous]

The 11 and 13 year old kids know that "Bill" is banging their mom. It's just weird.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The 11 and 13 year old kids know that "Bill" is banging their mom. It's just weird.

“Mom” is an adult who has a separate identity than just a “mom”
And is entitled to have responsible intimate relationships. Sorry. Kids are going to have to deal with that the same way they know mom is banging dad or the way mom is going to eventually know her sons are having sexual relationships… because almost everyone does!

If I were going to do this, I probably wouldn’t make it into a big thing. You are an adult and are entitled to have friendships. If your BF is at your place one afternoon, kids come in…hi…this is my friend “Steve.” It’s not a big deal. It doesn’t have to be this formal thing. If you had a female friend over, would you make it a big deal? Probably not. This is my friend Steve. We’re hanging out this afternoon. Your kids go on with whatever they were doing, free to engage or not. Now they know this person exists and is in your life. If he sticks around, he’s gradually around more. If not, no major loss because he was not heavily involved in your children’s loves to begin with.

[Anonymous]

*lives…appropriate autocorrect

[Anonymous]

Tell your kids that you are allowed to have an adult relationship, and that they are going to meet your SO, and they will be respectful to the person, because that's just good manners.

[Anonymous]

Respect your children's choices. They have their reasons and lives, you have yours. You don't need your children's permission to date but they don't need to meet him if they don't want to. Re-visit the question in 6-12 months. Maybe your kids will want to meet him. Maybe they won't. Maybe you'll have broken up with him or have decided you want to date him but he's not a person you want your kids to meet. Use the gift of time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The 11 and 13 year old kids know that "Bill" is banging their mom. It's just weird.

“Mom” is an adult who has a separate identity than just a “mom”
And is entitled to have responsible intimate relationships. Sorry. Kids are going to have to deal with that the same way they know mom is banging dad or the way mom is going to eventually know her sons are having sexual relationships… because almost everyone does!

If I were going to do this, I probably wouldn’t make it into a big thing. You are an adult and are entitled to have friendships. If your BF is at your place one afternoon, kids come in…hi…this is my friend “Steve.” It’s not a big deal. It doesn’t have to be this formal thing. If you had a female friend over, would you make it a big deal? Probably not. This is my friend Steve. We’re hanging out this afternoon. Your kids go on with whatever they were doing, free to engage or not. Now they know this person exists and is in your life. If he sticks around, he’s gradually around more. If not, no major loss because he was not heavily involved in your children’s loves to begin with.

Totally agree with every single word of this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The 11 and 13 year old kids know that "Bill" is banging their mom. It's just weird.

“Mom” is an adult who has a separate identity than just a “mom”
And is entitled to have responsible intimate relationships. Sorry. Kids are going to have to deal with that the same way they know mom is banging dad or the way mom is going to eventually know her sons are having sexual relationships… because almost everyone does!

If I were going to do this, I probably wouldn’t make it into a big thing. You are an adult and are entitled to have friendships. If your BF is at your place one afternoon, kids come in…hi…this is my friend “Steve.” It’s not a big deal. It doesn’t have to be this formal thing. If you had a female friend over, would you make it a big deal? Probably not. This is my friend Steve. We’re hanging out this afternoon. Your kids go on with whatever they were doing, free to engage or not. Now they know this person exists and is in your life. If he sticks around, he’s gradually around more. If not, no major loss because he was not heavily involved in your children’s loves to begin with.

Totally agree with every single word of this.

Oh please. It's very different from any friend that you are not dating. Because the long-term idea is to move in and/or marry. The end game here is a second massive disruption to their lives, being forced to live with this guy they may not like at all. If you had a girlfriend over for coffee would that be your plan? No. Stop pretending this is the same. You can't be all "just one more normal friend" when they know it isn't. You lose their trust that way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How do you envision this going, OP? This kind of thing is super awkward at best. It's not like everyone's going to love him as much as you do-- they're not dating him! And you're the one who's doing this voluntarily, they're doing it under pressure. They may come out of this liking him even less than they do now-- or he may come out of this liking them (and you) less.

If he's not going to have what it takes to be their stepfather, it's probably best that you find out now, so that can be a good thing. But in general, you can't have new relationship goggles about this. Nobody likes your boyfriend as much as you do. That's normal life!

So if you force a meeting and the kids are really rude, is that a risk you're willing to take? Because you do have the right to force it on them, but I have a hard time seeing that being in anyone's best interests, especially yours. Do you want this to go soon, or do you want it to go well? Pick one.

[Anonymous]

It is harder for boys with their moms dating.

I would just wait.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What needs of yours won't be met if your kids don't meet your BF? What feelings of yours is it hurting? I think sorting that out is a good place to start, maybe?

Yeah. You don’t “need” the Very Brady Holidays, married or not. Prioritize your kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The 11 and 13 year old kids know that "Bill" is banging their mom. It's just weird.

“Mom” is an adult who has a separate identity than just a “mom”
And is entitled to have responsible intimate relationships. Sorry. Kids are going to have to deal with that the same way they know mom is banging dad or the way mom is going to eventually know her sons are having sexual relationships… because almost everyone does!

If I were going to do this, I probably wouldn’t make it into a big thing. You are an adult and are entitled to have friendships. If your BF is at your place one afternoon, kids come in…hi…this is my friend “Steve.” It’s not a big deal. It doesn’t have to be this formal thing. If you had a female friend over, would you make it a big deal? Probably not. This is my friend Steve. We’re hanging out this afternoon. Your kids go on with whatever they were doing, free to engage or not. Now they know this person exists and is in your life. If he sticks around, he’s gradually around more. If not, no major loss because he was not heavily involved in your children’s loves to begin with.

ITA.

People on here give way too much creedence/power to their kids when it comes to their personal relationships.

The best advice I would give op is to just not make a thing of it.