My kids refuse to meet by boyfriend

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for all this feedback. I am definitely “in my feelings” about it, and they have every reason to not be excited about meeting him. I have had lots of talks with them about it but I’m going to drop it for now. The more I “push the issue,” the more resistant they’ll be. There is so much they don’t have control over and I want them to know their boundaries matter.

Good plan.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Kids first, BFs dead last. Give it a few more years. Just date him when the kids are at their dad's place.

This. Kids are the victims of their parents’ bad choices.

Oh, shut up. You come on here all the time with this BS. Go way you shrew!

No. We adult children of divorce will continue to tell the truth about our experiences and disrupt the fake rosy narratives spun here about kids and divorce. Deal with it, you shrew.

DP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Tell your kids that you are allowed to have an adult relationship, and that they are going to meet your SO, and they will be respectful to the person, because that's just good manners.

Oh stick it, MeeMaw.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The 11 and 13 year old kids know that "Bill" is banging their mom. It's just weird.

“Mom” is an adult who has a separate identity than just a “mom”
And is entitled to have responsible intimate relationships. Sorry. Kids are going to have to deal with that the same way they know mom is banging dad or the way mom is going to eventually know her sons are having sexual relationships… because almost everyone does!

If I were going to do this, I probably wouldn’t make it into a big thing. You are an adult and are entitled to have friendships. If your BF is at your place one afternoon, kids come in…hi…this is my friend “Steve.” It’s not a big deal. It doesn’t have to be this formal thing. If you had a female friend over, would you make it a big deal? Probably not. This is my friend Steve. We’re hanging out this afternoon. Your kids go on with whatever they were doing, free to engage or not. Now they know this person exists and is in your life. If he sticks around, he’s gradually around more. If not, no major loss because he was not heavily involved in your children’s loves to begin with.

I don't actually agree. I can't imagine my mom or dad with an identity other than my mom or dad. They can have other identities and lives, but not to me. Even with parents who have heavy careers, they're still mom or dad first.

I also don't think you should casually introduce people to your kids. OP has been with her boyfriend for a while now though, but I would have waited a year.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The 11 and 13 year old kids know that "Bill" is banging their mom. It's just weird.

Well, Dad is sticking his schlong in stepmom. Is that less dreadful a thought?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Kids first, BFs dead last. Give it a few more years. Just date him when the kids are at their dad's place.

This. Kids are the victims of their parents’ bad choices.

Oh, shut up. You come on here all the time with this BS. Go way you shrew!

No. We adult children of divorce will continue to tell the truth about our experiences and disrupt the fake rosy narratives spun here about kids and divorce. Deal with it, you shrew.

DP

Why don't you find a therapist to continue your truth telling? Will be way more productive for you and everyone who has to deal with you, adult child.

[Anonymous]

I know plenty of people who feel their lives were enriched by stepparents/siblings as well. Certainly it all depends, but it doesn't have to be this tragic imposition either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So what is their reason? Why don’t they ever want to meet him? You have to share more about what they’re saying to you if you’re going to get any decent advice.

It’s complicated. I think they don’t want a “step-dad” even though I do not have plans to marry him any time soon. I think they felt like they were forced to have a step-mom a little too soon and don’t want to have to deal with the general awkwardness and change to the family dynamic that comes with welcoming a new person into the family. I think they are all retry typical and understandable reasons.

Sounds like very reasonable feelings and you should respect them. I say this as a stepmom who got serious with my now DH when my SD was a freshman in HS. We shouldn’t have gotten serious as soon as we did. It wasn’t fair. She deserved more of her dad’s focus and attention.

[Anonymous]

Just invite your boyfriend over for casual dinner or watch TV. Just be normal. Don’t over think. I would not take “never” literally.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The 11 and 13 year old kids know that "Bill" is banging their mom. It's just weird.

“Mom” is an adult who has a separate identity than just a “mom”
And is entitled to have responsible intimate relationships. Sorry. Kids are going to have to deal with that the same way they know mom is banging dad or the way mom is going to eventually know her sons are having sexual relationships… because almost everyone does!

If I were going to do this, I probably wouldn’t make it into a big thing. You are an adult and are entitled to have friendships. If your BF is at your place one afternoon, kids come in…hi…this is my friend “Steve.” It’s not a big deal. It doesn’t have to be this formal thing. If you had a female friend over, would you make it a big deal? Probably not. This is my friend Steve. We’re hanging out this afternoon. Your kids go on with whatever they were doing, free to engage or not. Now they know this person exists and is in your life. If he sticks around, he’s gradually around more. If not, no major loss because he was not heavily involved in your children’s loves to begin with.

I don't actually agree. I can't imagine my mom or dad with an identity other than my mom or dad. They can have other identities and lives, but not to me. Even with parents who have heavy careers, they're still mom or dad first.

I also don't think you should casually introduce people to your kids. OP has been with her boyfriend for a while now though, but I would have waited a year.

Well, this is a function of your emotional immaturity. Most people realize that their parents have other facets of their lives and personalities. Do you still think Daddy knows everything, and Mommy is the most beautiful woman on earth?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Kids first, BFs dead last. Give it a few more years. Just date him when the kids are at their dad's place.

This. Kids are the victims of their parents’ bad choices.

Oh, shut up. You come on here all the time with this BS. Go way you shrew!

No. We adult children of divorce will continue to tell the truth about our experiences and disrupt the fake rosy narratives spun here about kids and divorce. Deal with it, you shrew.

DP

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Kids first, BFs dead last. Give it a few more years. Just date him when the kids are at their dad's place.

This. Kids are the victims of their parents’ bad choices.

Oh, shut up. You come on here all the time with this BS. Go way you shrew!

No. We adult children of divorce will continue to tell the truth about our experiences and disrupt the fake rosy narratives spun here about kids and divorce. Deal with it, you shrew.

DP

Why don't you find a therapist to continue your truth telling? Will be way more productive for you and everyone who has to deal with you, adult child.

I'm not sure if this is what PP's reasons are but i speak out on these things hoping that it will cause divorcing parents to see the harm that they could cause their children and possibly reconsider their actions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Classic example of how Dads get off easy in these situations. I am in the same boat, OP--more or less. Divorced since 2015. Dad remarried to a woman with a 3 kids. They seem ok with that. I have been dating my bf since 2017 and while my kids have met him and are very comfortable with us dating, they'd lose their minds if he were to move in. So....no marriage in the future.

OP - I'm pretty sure I know you and how quickly Dad's relationship moved forward. You likely have a big extended family and as you mentioned, Dad is allowed to bring wife to holidays, but you can't celebrate with BF. You've been divorced for 4 years, probably separated for 5. Dad moved forward quickly, and now you are being punished because of his traumatic decisions to your kids. DCUM - Are parents who've been divorced for 4 years not allowed to introduce significant others to their children? The advice seems to be that Mom has to wait forever before she can introduce BF. I'm sure there will never be a good time from ages 11 - 18 to introduce children to significant others: "Oh Middle School is hard. Oh they are starting puberty. Oh this is going to be their first year at High School. Oh now they have to prepare for SATs/college." This sounds not only unfair (and possibly sexist if you look back on the comments on this thread), but also an extended logistical nightmare. I think the advice you got was crap.

I hope you and your boyfriend are happy and the kids get to meet him sometime soon.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Classic example of how Dads get off easy in these situations. I am in the same boat, OP--more or less. Divorced since 2015. Dad remarried to a woman with a 3 kids. They seem ok with that. I have been dating my bf since 2017 and while my kids have met him and are very comfortable with us dating, they'd lose their minds if he were to move in. So....no marriage in the future.

OP - I'm pretty sure I know you and how quickly Dad's relationship moved forward. You likely have a big extended family and as you mentioned, Dad is allowed to bring wife to holidays, but you can't celebrate with BF. You've been divorced for 4 years, probably separated for 5. Dad moved forward quickly, and now you are being punished because of his traumatic decisions to your kids. DCUM - Are parents who've been divorced for 4 years not allowed to introduce significant others to their children? The advice seems to be that Mom has to wait forever before she can introduce BF. I'm sure there will never be a good time from ages 11 - 18 to introduce children to significant others: "Oh Middle School is hard. Oh they are starting puberty. Oh this is going to be their first year at High School. Oh now they have to prepare for SATs/college." This sounds not only unfair (and possibly sexist if you look back on the comments on this thread), but also an extended logistical nightmare. I think the advice you got was crap.

I hope you and your boyfriend are happy and the kids get to meet him sometime soon.

Well yes, there's really not a good time, that's true. Raising teenagers is complex and difficult, especially with an ex who remarried fast.

The question for OP is does she want to force a meeting that might go badly, after only 6 months of dating, or does she want to wait longer to avoid pressuring her kids and make sure the new relationship is lasting. I think 6 months of dating isn't really that much. If the kids wanted to meet him, that would be different. But the fact is, they don't.

In a divorce everyone has to settle for a different family than they had hoped for. OP included.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Kids first, BFs dead last. Give it a few more years. Just date him when the kids are at their dad's place.

Oh please. Of course, she knows her kids come first. However, she hasn't died yet and deserves to be happy. She is taking her kids' feelings into account obviously, but they don't get to arbitrarily say "never" just because.

I'd say sit down with them and really discuss why they are feeling what they are feeling. BE ready to hear them out and not be defensive. Then re-assess on what to do.