My kids refuse to meet by boyfriend
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Anonymous
| I am divorced since 12/2018 with two sons ages 11 and 13. their dad and I split custody 50/50. Dad has been remarried since summer 2020, and we all get along great and even spend parts of holidays together. I have been dating my boyfriend since December and he is definitely someone I see a future with. I always thought I’d let my kids decide when they want to meet him but they say, “never.” I want to honor their feelings but at the same time I don’t want to set the eleventh that my needs and feelings don’t matter. And I’d like bf to meet my family (parents/sibs) and spent holidays with us. Anyone been in this situation before and have any advice? |
Anonymous
| So what is their reason? Why don’t they ever want to meet him? You have to share more about what they’re saying to you if you’re going to get any decent advice. |
Anonymous
It’s complicated. I think they don’t want a “step-dad” even though I do not have plans to marry him any time soon. I think they felt like they were forced to have a step-mom a little too soon and don’t want to have to deal with the general awkwardness and change to the family dynamic that comes with welcoming a new person into the family. I think they are all retry typical and understandable reasons. |
Anonymous
| Makes sense that they want to avoid more change. They are also in the awkward years. |
Anonymous
| What needs of yours won't be met if your kids don't meet your BF? What feelings of yours is it hurting? I think sorting that out is a good place to start, maybe? |
Anonymous
| Divorced mom here, I think I'd wait 6 more months then reassess. Maybe involve a therapist in how to go forward. |
Anonymous
| Kids first, BFs dead last. Give it a few more years. Just date him when the kids are at their dad's place. |
Anonymous
Wait, you “think” this? Or they’ve actually expressed this? My sense is that it’s the former. If so, you need to talk with them. And really listen to them. “I’ve heard you say that you never want to meet Bill (use his name). Can you say more about that? I want to understand where you’re coming from.” Listen and paraphrase what they’re saying. Don’t regurgitate—paraphrase without judgment and make sure they sign off on it. “So you’re worried that he’s going to be moving in right away. Did I get that right?” Make a guess as to what else you think they might be feeling. Again, check to see if they sign off. “You haven’t said this, but I’m wondering if you might also be feeling nervous about having to get to know another person who might potentially be a big part of our home? What’s your thinking about that?” They may confirm what you’ve said or clarify. Acknowledge how there can be many feelings around these changes, and that’s okay. They need validation. You can share that Bill is an important person in your life and want to work to introduce him. Ask your kids what they’re most worried about happening. What’s one thing or situation they don’t want to be put in when it comes time to meet him. It’s hard and the more you stay curious and listen without judgement, the better. You don’t have to have an answer for everything. As with any teenager, it’s about being present. Hope this helps some. |
Anonymous
This. Kids are the victims of their parents’ bad choices. |
Anonymous
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I agree that your dc feelings are the most important and so puts you in a tough situation as you navigate.
I am curious how their dad managed it. Did he just not care and declared “ I’m getting remarried.” Did they refuse to meet step- mom as well at first. Are they closer to you and so they accept dad can have another partner but not mom? |
Anonymous
| Your mistake was giving them a choice. Of course if offered to do something awkward or even just boring, a kid is going to say no. Now you’re up in your feelings because you want them to WANT to do this thing that has no upside for them, because it has upside for you. Stop being silly and schedule the dinner. |
Anonymous
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I am divorced and remarried with kids. I did not introduce my kids to any boyfriend until we'd been dating over a year and was sure we were going to get engaged.
You're rushing things. Slow down. Stop talking about the boyfriend in front of them, completely. |
Anonymous
| I don’t understand why they need to meet him. They know he exists. |
Anonymous
| It hasn't even been a year and your kids are young. What is your XH saying to them? |
Anonymous
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Wait until the end of the year. It us actually too soon to know if you have a future with this guy. Your kids’ instinct is correct.
If you are still together at the end of the year, tell them he wants to treat them to [fill in some place cool they would love]. See how they react. Start it off fun, not deep and serious, |