Blindsided by my loving mother.

[Anonymous]

I’d tell her she can move if she wants. If she’s interested, you can tour cheaper options. It’s her decision.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Unwarranted suspicion that a trusted caretaker is stealing funds is very common sign of age-related cognitive decline. Do not take it personally. Do protect yourself and your mother however from your brother, who clearly values his potential financial windfall over the quality of his mother’s end-of-life care. That indicates he cannot be trusted.

But if you think about it, how many of us would be comfortable giving up our financial independence and trusting someone else completely even if they are family. I think it is normal to feel that way. People do come in and take advantage of family. I would hope people would do as suggested above and continue to try to keep the elderly involve in all things financial for as long as you can.

[Anonymous]

She's old, she's irrational. Op, you don't get the luxury of being hurt. Continue to be a better human being than your Brother, that's all you can do. Carry on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m the only daughter who has taken complete control of my moms care since her loss of independence last year. She now lives in a beautiful AL with tons of friends.. I live an hr away and visit weekly. Meanwhile my brother and I have been estranged thru all this because he feels her cost of care is ridiculous which is whittling down our inheritance. He badgers her incessantly about the money she’s “wasting” on her care. I hired a financial advisor and showed her the numbers which shows she has enough till she’s 125 yrs old.
We’ve had a great relationship and in front of people she gloats about what a wonderful daughter I am. Well I know now she’s playing both sides and continues to believe my brother who accused me of stealing from her bank acct. She demanded I show her her bank statements in which I did. Of course it showed zero funds missing. Since then she has been very short with me and doesn’t call. The best part is she still expects me to visit her weekly. I have not been to see her in a few weeks and she’s furious. I’m so hurt she doesn’t trust me after all I’ve done and I’m not up to being around her right now. Fyi I don’t need her money because I have 10 times more than she does. I’m literally sick over what has transpired with our once very loving relationship.

First, I am so sorry. do you think your mother may have some signs of dementia? I would be more angry with the brother to be honest.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s okay to take a break. Give yourself permission without feeling guilty. My mom is older and used to be kind but now is so angry and lashes out for everything. I had to step away from the regular contact for a little while for my mental health. Like your mom, she is taken care of and had plenty of friends and social interaction. You also have to take care of yourself and breath a little.

I’ve spent a lot of time reading the elder care forum and talking with my own friends. It’s sad to see how common the anger and anxiety are. I’m sorry you are going through this.

If you realize how common anger and anxiety are, then why can't you find it in yourself to continue regular contact? How hellish to enter that phase of old age only to have people abandon you in your hour of need, for something one can't even help.

dp Because pp is human and it is human not to want to be yelled/lashed out even if you know why. Do you like hitting your head against a wall?

[Anonymous]

Is this the same poster who keeps posting about assisted living and her brothers every month or so?

[Anonymous]

My mom has a similar financial situation to yours and I also handle all of her finances at this point. She still gets paper credit card and bank statements and every month I have to go over all the transactions line by line with her. She’ll forgot what she asked me to pay or told me to do. I always put a note in the memo section of online transactions so I can pull those up on the computer and show her. She’ll also make financial decisions (like gifting money to her minor grandchildren where she initiated the conversation and we talked about extensively for weeks) and then question when I implement what she requested. I’ve gotten over taking it personally, and anything she seems uncomfortable with later I’ll offer to stop or undo.

But in my case I tell my brother EVERYTHING because I don’t want him to think I’m doing anything bad with her money.

In your case I’d totally tour her around cheaper places. She’ll hate them. And realize very quickly that’s not what she wants so she’ll stop complaining. But trust me OP she’ll find something else to fixate on. Ignore your idiot brother. In this case with your mom it’s not you it’s her. The key is to go with the flow and don’t take anything personally.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s okay to take a break. Give yourself permission without feeling guilty. My mom is older and used to be kind but now is so angry and lashes out for everything. I had to step away from the regular contact for a little while for my mental health. Like your mom, she is taken care of and had plenty of friends and social interaction. You also have to take care of yourself and breath a little.

I’ve spent a lot of time reading the elder care forum and talking with my own friends. It’s sad to see how common the anger and anxiety are. I’m sorry you are going through this.

If you realize how common anger and anxiety are, then why can't you find it in yourself to continue regular contact? How hellish to enter that phase of old age only to have people abandon you in your hour of need, for something one can't even help.

You obviously don’t know what this is like. Giving my self a break without contact in this case meant I have gone 3 days without speaking to her, while I have still checked in with others. It’s not weeks or months. I was at least calling and talking to her daily and it can be a lot on top of working and taking care of my own family. Judge away but you can’t relate until you have lived it. I have other siblings too and they have spoken to her this week on the phone and in person. She is far from abandoned.

So if there are other siblings besides you and the poisonous brother, then perhaps there should be a family meeting about your mother’s care. Share all financial statements with them as well and they can back you up when the awful brother complains about you

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Thank you all for such words of wisdom. It brought tears to my eyes. This is my first experience caring for a parent. My dad died suddenly from covid 18 months ago.
My brother demanded a meeting with a social worker he hired. The social worker completely sided with me. My brother left the meeting angry muttering under his breath. My mother wants my brother and I to make amends but it’s been impossible because he continues to question her cost of care. He’s obsessed with HER MONEY. He’s not married, has no children and is financially comfortable.
I’ve talked to my mom over and over how she can afford the best care with the money my father and her saved. Sometimes she’ll say, “but I won’t have anything left to leave to my children”. Ugh I want to pull my hair out! My brother and I only grow further apart and I don’t see us ever making amends.

Are you a mother? I can understand her POV. My children are everything to me, I would gladly go without if it meant more for them. And it would break my heart if my kids were estranged, especially if it was over me.

Can you detach with love? You don’t need to be best friends with your brother, but try to have some sort of relationship, even if it’s just cordial. Separate his actions from the fact that he’s your brother.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Unwarranted suspicion that a trusted caretaker is stealing funds is very common sign of age-related cognitive decline. Do not take it personally. Do protect yourself and your mother however from your brother, who clearly values his potential financial windfall over the quality of his mother’s end-of-life care. That indicates he cannot be trusted.

+1000 This happened with my grandmother. She's very suspicious someone's stealing from her despite the fact she has nothing. Your brother has issues but I wouldn't (necessarily) blame him for your mother's mistrust. Unfortunately, OP, our loved ones may get to the place where they need to be tolerated. I know it's tough but hang in there; you're doing the best you can for her and should feel good about yourself.

[Anonymous]

+1 to asking your other siblings to get involved. This shouldn’t be all on you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Thank you all for such words of wisdom. It brought tears to my eyes. This is my first experience caring for a parent. My dad died suddenly from covid 18 months ago.
My brother demanded a meeting with a social worker he hired. The social worker completely sided with me. My brother left the meeting angry muttering under his breath. My mother wants my brother and I to make amends but it’s been impossible because he continues to question her cost of care. He’s obsessed with HER MONEY. He’s not married, has no children and is financially comfortable.
I’ve talked to my mom over and over how she can afford the best care with the money my father and her saved. Sometimes she’ll say, “but I won’t have anything left to leave to my children”. Ugh I want to pull my hair out! My brother and I only grow further apart and I don’t see us ever making amends.

Are you a mother? I can understand her POV. My children are everything to me, I would gladly go without if it meant more for them. And it would break my heart if my kids were estranged, especially if it was over me.

Can you detach with love? You don’t need to be best friends with your brother, but try to have some sort of relationship, even if it’s just cordial. Separate his actions from the fact that he’s your brother.

Yes, I am a mother but by the time you’re in a “home” and your children are in their 60s, I would hope they wouldn’t need your money. To me, that’s pretty pathetic. I’ve made friends with children of residents at my mom's AL and apparently, I’m not alone. Siblings fighting over money and the cost of care. The best part is not one of these children is flipping the bill. It’s all coming from the parent's estate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is this the same poster who keeps posting about assisted living and her brothers every month or so?

NP here
The one whose mom is just so beautiful and youthful that it's depressing for her to be around all the "old people" at the assisted living? The one whose mother played piano in the assisted living common room to a standing ovation from all the other residents and staff?
I believe so--same writing style and phrases used.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is this the same poster who keeps posting about assisted living and her brothers every month or so?

NP here
The one whose mom is just so beautiful and youthful that it's depressing for her to be around all the "old people" at the assisted living? The one whose mother played piano in the assisted living common room to a standing ovation from all the other residents and staff?
I believe so--same writing style and phrases used.

Is this you Mr. Steele?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Thank you all for such words of wisdom. It brought tears to my eyes. This is my first experience caring for a parent. My dad died suddenly from covid 18 months ago.
My brother demanded a meeting with a social worker he hired. The social worker completely sided with me. My brother left the meeting angry muttering under his breath. My mother wants my brother and I to make amends but it’s been impossible because he continues to question her cost of care. He’s obsessed with HER MONEY. He’s not married, has no children and is financially comfortable.
I’ve talked to my mom over and over how she can afford the best care with the money my father and her saved. Sometimes she’ll say, “but I won’t have anything left to leave to my children”. Ugh I want to pull my hair out! My brother and I only grow further apart and I don’t see us ever making amends.

OP, you have posted about this situation before. Your brother seems determined to be a total dick and ruin his relationship with you and now he's working on your relationship with your mother.

I don't really know what to tell you. I am sorry this is happening. If your mother is still cognitively with it then I think nothing less than radical honesty. I'd just straight up tell her when been over this and she's hurting my feelings listening to my brother's lies, but you're happy for her to have access to her bank statements.

There's always the option of turning over the administration of her care to a professional and have them send quarterly statements.

I'd stop talking to my brother and tell