Blindsided by my loving mother.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is this the same poster who keeps posting about assisted living and her brothers every month or so?

Yes, it has to be.

[Anonymous]

Your brother’s constant badgering of your mother over the cost of her care could be considered elder abuse. Talk to your other sibling(s) about what you’re seeing with this brother and your mother to find out if they’ve seen it as well. All the siblings should have a meeting about your mother’s finances and together firmly tell this brother to stop badgering and stressing your mother over the cost of her care.

You may want to consult with an elder law attorney on how best to protect your mother.

https://www.findlaw.com/elder/elder-abuse/types-of-elder-abuse.html

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your brother’s constant badgering of your mother over the cost of her care could be considered elder abuse. Talk to your other sibling(s) about what you’re seeing with this brother and your mother to find out if they’ve seen it as well. All the siblings should have a meeting about your mother’s finances and together firmly tell this brother to stop badgering and stressing your mother over the cost of her care.

You may want to consult with an elder law attorney on how best to protect your mother.

https://www.findlaw.com/elder/elder-abuse/types-of-elder-abuse.html

+1 This will help both your mom and you, OP.

[Anonymous]

Been there and I had to detach, see her less and let go. I have too much stress in my life to be dealing with lawyers. She passed a dementia screen. Sibling who did little was throwing me under the bus and getting financial benefit. Life is too short and my health was falling apart. The professionals at AL won't know who to believe and can't get sucked into family drama so I am not surprised they couldn't help. The lawyer stuff creates so much drama. My mother knew her kids were not close and had decades to plan and even find a swanky CCRC, but she chose to bury her head in the sand just like she did caring for her own family. Mom is safe and we have a geriatric social worker checking to make sure she is getting the level of care needed. That is all I can do. Visits turned into drama and more drama.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Unwarranted suspicion that a trusted caretaker is stealing funds is very common sign of age-related cognitive decline. Do not take it personally. Do protect yourself and your mother however from your brother, who clearly values his potential financial windfall over the quality of his mother’s end-of-life care. That indicates he cannot be trusted.

This brief statement basically is asking you to do what may be impossible. Has she been diagnosed with dementia or is she willing to get an evaluation? If not, it is very difficult to "protect" because as long as she is considered cognitively competent, she has free will. My experience is there is a period of time where they can still pass the dementia screen, where they show these signs of losing it and that seems to be the prime time family takes advantage and even convinces the elder not to get evaluated. There is nothing you can do unless doctors deem her incompetent.

Also, people tell you not to take it personally when they heap accusations and even tantrum at you, but unless you medicate yourself into oblivion most caring people find it hard not to take it personally. There is also another aspect. Sometimes they become increasingly agitated when you visit and then you have to decide is it worth it. The parent gets so upset and worked up with delusions and you take weeks to recover from the behaviors. Sometimes it's easier to manage things from behind the scenes and attempt visits, but make an excuse to leave at the first sign of trouble if you cannot deescalate.

Regarding the money OP and your mom's AL, be prepared for the worst. If she is considered competent she can make him POA and he can move her. He can even get her to take you out of the will. It happens. If she knew your brother was trouble many years ago, then this is partly on her for going into denial and not meeting with a lawyer to figure out how to protect herself. Those of us doing the caregiving join support groups and know the realities of what can happen in families and how important it is to do things like CCRC and to protect assets. I find the ones who did less or who went into denial or who had an easy experience and just tuned out the horror stories of others...don't prepare. You cannot do in your health and sanity trying to "protect" a person still considered capable of making her own decisions.

[Anonymous]

OP, it sounds like your brother has directed his suspicions at your directly and you’ve heard his accusations with your own ears. If this is NOT the case, and you are only hearing his accusations through your mom, I would urge you to discuss with him directly.

My mom apparently told my brother I was accusing him of stealing her money (I’d done nothing of the sort) and was at the same time telling me she suspected my brother of pilfering jewelry from her home. It caused much pain and my brother stopped talking to me without explanation. It was only a couple of years into this (and I’m not giving all the details - too much and not needed) they my brother and I realized that her accusations were a reflection of her mental decline.

Just good for thought.

[Anonymous]

Go visit your mother and tell her you're happy to hire her a financial advisor to oversee her funds since she no longer trusts you. Get it off you and onto a third party who has no skin in the game except to ensure your mother can stay where she is as long as necessary (and probably a few bucks incase something medical comes up).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Go visit your mother and tell her you're happy to hire her a financial advisor to oversee her funds since she no longer trusts you. Get it off you and onto a third party who has no skin in the game except to ensure your mother can stay where she is as long as necessary (and probably a few bucks incase something medical comes up).

This is what I did OP. As soon as the accusations came I had to bow out. I have way too much going on. These stories are a dime a dozen. Life is too short. I had to give up rescuing and protecting someone who treated me like garbage and just make sure she was relatively safe. Welcome to the hell of sandwich generation.-a side of some people never have to see. At least your mom doesn't rage and tantrum at you. Consider yourself lucky because no matter how much people tell you to suck it up and "it's the disease" somehow they still know exactly the right daggers to throw that cut right through the heart.