How long for a holiday invite?

[Anonymous]

it's really strange that he is threatening to dump you if you don't invite him to a holiday that is 5 months away, and you have only been dating 3 months!

Nope. Dump him.

[Anonymous]

His dealbreaker should be your dealbreaker.

You invite him to your Thanksgiving when you want to share him with your family, and you want to share your family with him. Not when he demands. Not when your sibling demands. When YOU are ready.

So, for me this always was -- immediately. Holiday? You are invited. But that meant that somebody might not come more than once to a family party. That was OK for me. For a cousin I was close with, it meant she never invited anybody ... until she invited the man she ultimately married. Also OK.

You find what you want and need. And proceed from there. Don't hide it, be transparent. Talk with your BF. He has a right to his dealbreaker ... but it shouldn't be what drives you.

[Anonymous]

One of my biggest regrets was spending holidays with my inlaws before marriage. I missed out on so many good family holidays and years with my own grandparents, parents, aunts, uncles. I would tell anyone not to share holidays until after marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to dump this man. Seriously. Huge red flags

Generally speaking it's when you're both comfortable. I think low pressure events are best no holiday dinners as first intros just too stressful.

Unless you have a history of dating inappropriate people or demanding your nieces and nephews call your boyfriends uncle your siblings need to STFU.

I don't believe in introducing minor children ( meaning your son or daughter) until you both know each other well enough to get a good read on each other and feel the relationship is headed towards marriage which generally doesn't happen at 3 months.

That your boyfriend is giving you several ultimatums is concerning
It's also concerning that he doesn't understand how complicated things can be for a child meeting their parents SO.

I get the vibe you're a people pleaser making you a target for loons.

Draw your boundaries op especially when it comes to your kid and hold firm.

When you and otter's say red flags, what do you think they are red flags FOR? I haven't ever really been with someone like him, and if there is another shoe towrope I don't know what it is/could be. Like if someone had a really bad temper outburst or punched the wall it might a red flag for future violence, but I don't know what this is a potential warning for?

As PPs have said, the red flags are the ultimatums which are emotionally manipulative and controlling, especially since they're not for issues that are critical to your relationship. Ultimatums are the nuclear option. Him issuing ultimatum regarding meeting your family 5 months from now when you've only been dating 3-4 months is ridiculous. If you'd been dating for over a year and declined to have him meet your family when opportunities were available, that would be different. You'd be at a point where it would be odd NOT to have your family meet someone significant to you AND with whom you have history.

What's even more troubling is his attitude regarding meeting your child and how that would determine whether your relationship proceeds. It speaks to a lack of empathy and understanding of the child. It's a very self-centered, self-serving view that does not bode well for any kind of relationship. I'd also say it's a very immature take - not to mention controlling.

As a PP noted, these are major boundary challenges. No one your dating should ever dictate how/when they are introduced to their partner's family or EVER what is best for your child. I'm sure if you look back in your relationship with this person, he has been presumptuous/dictatorial/overly assertive about other stuff as well. Serious red flags.

[Anonymous]

Wow.
Just wow.

So your boyfriend issued you an ultimatum??!
That if you do not bring him around your family by this Nov, then he is leaving you?? 🤨

In all honesty - I would just dump this loser into the ocean 🌊 and keep swimming until you find a better fish!

[Anonymous]

I'd break up with him immediately - for the ultimatum and the pressure to meet your kid right now. He definitely doesn't understand the impact of being a kid and meeting a parent's SO for the first time and doesn't respect that dynamic - or your kid.

The red flags are pre-cursors to more manipulations / more emotional tugging / controlling behaviors leading to many scenarios. Maybe you've been fortunate enough not to have experienced them but the road to all abuses start from emotional manipulations and control.

It's not too dramatic to tell you - get out. NOW. You don't want the same behavior displayed toward your kid. He's already shown you he is not the right partner for you - or your kid. I wish more would see the signs and actually do something about it, before it's too late. I hope you do after seeing some of these posts. His behavior after 3 months is alarming.

[Anonymous]

PP here and one more thing to add that I hope is helpful:

My rule of thumb many many moons and years ago when I was a single parent of a child and dating was that if I wasn't okay with the thought that my son would turn into exactly whom I was dating, then I'm dating the wrong person.

It really weeded out a lot of folks and I was lonely for some time, but that one rule was so great in determining if I was making a good choice for a partner. Like if I didn't want my child emulating them or copying them, why the hell would I have them around my child? And why would I settle for less than the best for me/us? It was a great measuring tool.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PP here and one more thing to add that I hope is helpful:

My rule of thumb many many moons and years ago when I was a single parent of a child and dating was that if I wasn't okay with the thought that my son would turn into exactly whom I was dating, then I'm dating the wrong person.

It really weeded out a lot of folks and I was lonely for some time, but that one rule was so great in determining if I was making a good choice for a partner. Like if I didn't want my child emulating them or copying them, why the hell would I have them around my child? And why would I settle for less than the best for me/us? It was a great measuring tool.

OP here and yes this is a test I also use. Like if I don't want my kid to be like him, then he shouldn't someone I am considering for the role. Did you find someone though? I mean nobody's perfect, including me. Heck, I don't even want my kid to turn out exactly like me. He can do better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PP here and one more thing to add that I hope is helpful:

My rule of thumb many many moons and years ago when I was a single parent of a child and dating was that if I wasn't okay with the thought that my son would turn into exactly whom I was dating, then I'm dating the wrong person.

It really weeded out a lot of folks and I was lonely for some time, but that one rule was so great in determining if I was making a good choice for a partner. Like if I didn't want my child emulating them or copying them, why the hell would I have them around my child? And why would I settle for less than the best for me/us? It was a great measuring tool.

OP here and yes this is a test I also use. Like if I don't want my kid to be like him, then he shouldn't someone I am considering for the role. Did you find someone though? I mean nobody's perfect, including me. Heck, I don't even want my kid to turn out exactly like me. He can do better.

LOL. You're absolutely right - I do want better for (both) my kids. And yes, I've since married and we went on to have another child. We've been together for 20 years. Perfection wasn't something I needed but really the things that mattered - empathy, kindness, integrity, graciousness, ability to pivot, ability to communicate - those types of things that I really looked for beyond all the nonsense was what truly made us a team.

If it doesn't feel right - it's not right. You don't have to have all the words for it. You don't have to justify it to anyone outside of yourself. You can simply make the decision - this is not for me.