How long for a holiday invite?

[Anonymous]

I''m middle aged and divorced with a kid If you are dating someone exclusively at what time point/milestone do you start inviting them to family holidays like Thanksgiving/Christmas? I dint need a "date" per se for these events, its more about when to expose him and the family to each other; but also carries some significance on both sides. I have the kind siblings who will make a big deal about "exposing their children" to someone I bring home, or event the idea that Aunt Me is dating someone. My BF has told me that if I don't invite him for Thanksgiving that will be a dealbreaker. Is that reasonable?

[Anonymous]

^sorry for so many typos!

[Anonymous]

An ultimatum like- Thanksgiving or else, that would be a dealbreaker for me!

I wouldn’t introduce my family to a BF until we were very exclusive, or partners or maybe even about to be engaged. No way would I tangle them all up until minimum a year or two or so. But I’m old.

Do what feels good to you. Ask your siblings if they’d like to meet this person? Go for a beer together or something less weighty.

[Anonymous]

How long have you been dating? Ultimatums are not a good sign generally; has he met your friends? Has your including him in your life more fully been discussed? Just saying that about Thanksgiving seems a bit out of the blue. I agree that meeting family and especially kids should be put off until you're very serious with someone. I wouldn't have my kids meet any boyfriends until we decided we wanted to be married or move in. They don't need any more drama in life.

[Anonymous]

I would dump him. No one makes ultimatums like that to me.

[Anonymous]

Your family should welcome any boyfriend you bring home provide it is not a child molester or something.

But his ultimatum is weird

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How long have you been dating? Ultimatums are not a good sign generally; has he met your friends? Has your including him in your life more fully been discussed? Just saying that about Thanksgiving seems a bit out of the blue. I agree that meeting family and especially kids should be put off until you're very serious with someone. I wouldn't have my kids meet any boyfriends until we decided we wanted to be married or move in. They don't need any more drama in life.

We have only been dating for 3-4 months but he is also asking to meet my kid. His logic is that is the interaction does not work out on either side then the relationship won't either, and it' better to know that sooner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How long have you been dating? Ultimatums are not a good sign generally; has he met your friends? Has your including him in your life more fully been discussed? Just saying that about Thanksgiving seems a bit out of the blue. I agree that meeting family and especially kids should be put off until you're very serious with someone. I wouldn't have my kids meet any boyfriends until we decided we wanted to be married or move in. They don't need any more drama in life.

We have only been dating for 3-4 months but he is also asking to meet my kid. His logic is that is the interaction does not work out on either side then the relationship won't either, and it' better to know that sooner.

You haven't been dating long enough for him to give you an ultimatum like this. Also, he doesn't get to determine how or when you introduce someone to your kid. His ultimatum and this push are serious red flags.

[Anonymous]

You need to dump this man. Seriously. Huge red flags

Generally speaking it's when you're both comfortable. I think low pressure events are best no holiday dinners as first intros just too stressful.

Unless you have a history of dating inappropriate people or demanding your nieces and nephews call your boyfriends uncle your siblings need to STFU.

I don't believe in introducing minor children ( meaning your son or daughter) until you both know each other well enough to get a good read on each other and feel the relationship is headed towards marriage which generally doesn't happen at 3 months.

That your boyfriend is giving you several ultimatums is concerning
It's also concerning that he doesn't understand how complicated things can be for a child meeting their parents SO.

I get the vibe you're a people pleaser making you a target for loons.

Draw your boundaries op especially when it comes to your kid and hold firm.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need to dump this man. Seriously. Huge red flags

Generally speaking it's when you're both comfortable. I think low pressure events are best no holiday dinners as first intros just too stressful.

Unless you have a history of dating inappropriate people or demanding your nieces and nephews call your boyfriends uncle your siblings need to STFU.

I don't believe in introducing minor children ( meaning your son or daughter) until you both know each other well enough to get a good read on each other and feel the relationship is headed towards marriage which generally doesn't happen at 3 months.

That your boyfriend is giving you several ultimatums is concerning
It's also concerning that he doesn't understand how complicated things can be for a child meeting their parents SO.

I get the vibe you're a people pleaser making you a target for loons.

Draw your boundaries op especially when it comes to your kid and hold firm.

When you and otter's say red flags, what do you think they are red flags FOR? I haven't ever really been with someone like him, and if there is another shoe towrope I don't know what it is/could be. Like if someone had a really bad temper outburst or punched the wall it might a red flag for future violence, but I don't know what this is a potential warning for?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How long have you been dating? Ultimatums are not a good sign generally; has he met your friends? Has your including him in your life more fully been discussed? Just saying that about Thanksgiving seems a bit out of the blue. I agree that meeting family and especially kids should be put off until you're very serious with someone. I wouldn't have my kids meet any boyfriends until we decided we wanted to be married or move in. They don't need any more drama in life.

We have only been dating for 3-4 months but he is also asking to meet my kid. His logic is that is the interaction does not work out on either side then the relationship won't either, and it' better to know that sooner.

Dump him. He’s been seeing you for a third of the year and already thinks it’s appropriate to meet your child? No. He thinks it’s appropriate to say if you don’t invite him to thanksgiving it’s over? No. It’s over now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How long have you been dating? Ultimatums are not a good sign generally; has he met your friends? Has your including him in your life more fully been discussed? Just saying that about Thanksgiving seems a bit out of the blue. I agree that meeting family and especially kids should be put off until you're very serious with someone. I wouldn't have my kids meet any boyfriends until we decided we wanted to be married or move in. They don't need any more drama in life.

We have only been dating for 3-4 months but he is also asking to meet my kid. His logic is that is the interaction does not work out on either side then the relationship won't either, and it' better to know that sooner.

Dump him. He’s been seeing you for a third of the year and already thinks it’s appropriate to meet your child? No. He thinks it’s appropriate to say if you don’t invite him to thanksgiving it’s over? No. It’s over now.

I'm the PP who asked OP the above questions and I couldn't agree more with the immediate PP above and others telling OP to end this relationship.

This would be over for me in a hot minute. OP, don't make excuses for this man. He sounds manipulative and narcissistic. The sooner you end it, the sooner you can be available for someone sane. This guy is not it. Whatever you do, don't introduce him to your minor children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to dump this man. Seriously. Huge red flags

Generally speaking it's when you're both comfortable. I think low pressure events are best no holiday dinners as first intros just too stressful.

Unless you have a history of dating inappropriate people or demanding your nieces and nephews call your boyfriends uncle your siblings need to STFU.

I don't believe in introducing minor children ( meaning your son or daughter) until you both know each other well enough to get a good read on each other and feel the relationship is headed towards marriage which generally doesn't happen at 3 months.

That your boyfriend is giving you several ultimatums is concerning
It's also concerning that he doesn't understand how complicated things can be for a child meeting their parents SO.

I get the vibe you're a people pleaser making you a target for loons.

Draw your boundaries op especially when it comes to your kid and hold firm.

When you and otter's say red flags, what do you think they are red flags FOR? I haven't ever really been with someone like him, and if there is another shoe towrope I don't know what it is/could be. Like if someone had a really bad temper outburst or punched the wall it might a red flag for future violence, but I don't know what this is a potential warning for?

He's using ultimatums and emotional connection for control. He is being manipulative NOW. How manipulative do you think he'll be when he has more levarage over you, when he buried himself into the emotional lives of your children and rest of the family?

Run OP, we are begging you.

[Anonymous]

An ultimatum at 3-4 months? That’s highly inappropriate and a major red flag. It’s a sign that he doesn’t respect your boundaries but if you’re actually considering his ultimatum in earnest then it’s possible that you don’t have great boundaries yourself and are vulnerable to being mistreated or overlooking red flags.

As PP says, he doesn’t have the right to drive/control how or when he meets your kids, especially at 3-4 months, which is too early; it’s your decision as their parent and he needs to respect that. This is not someone who is going to be respectful, flexible understanding or attuned.

I’m concerned that you left out the fact that you’ve only been with this guy 3-4 months in your original post; it’s a very significant fact. It means you’re awareness of and response to red flags is lower than it should be. My advice is in line with multiple PPs - this should be a dealbreaker for YOU. End it.

[Anonymous]

Not reasonable. Dump him.