Boyfriend teases me

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Give an example OP. The type of teasing is important here.

IT IS NOT IMPORTANT. SHE DOES NOT LIKE IT. SHE ASKED FOR IT TO STOP. WTF do you MF think? That if you find out what kind of teasing it is you can downplay it? Is what you deem acceptable always acceptable to everybody???? SHE DOESN'T WANT TO BE TEASED. She has asked for it to stop. He agrees he should stop. But he continues to tease her. That is abuse.


GFD.

[Anonymous]

Give us examples. This is not to say that you should be in a relationships where you feel your self-esteem is undermined, but you also need to learn to have unshakable confidence in your own views of yourself. I think his teasing bothers you because he touches on things you are insecure about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Give us examples. This is not to say that you should be in a relationships where you feel your self-esteem is undermined, but you also need to learn to have unshakable confidence in your own views of yourself. I think his teasing bothers you because he touches on things you are insecure about.

Don't do it OP, you'll only be dismissed as overly sensitive.

[Anonymous]

Hard to say without knowing what kind of "teasing" but even assuming the best of intentions on his part, it sounds like maybe you have an opposite sense of humor. You might just not be compatible and that's ok. You might be better off as friends.

[Anonymous]

Everyone saying to dump him I have a question for you all:
Are you all so uptight that you never even joke or tease with friends either? And never with your SO?

[Anonymous]

I have a female friend who does this to her husband. It's a power play and very hard to be around, and I don't even like her husband.

It doesn't matter what kind of teasing it is. You don't like it, and you have told him so. He doesn't stop.

Dump him. He would do it to your kids as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DH was like this. It has gotten a lot better over the years, both the teasing stopping and also him getting better at words of affirmation. But this required me to set clear boundaries and let him know when he was crossing them, and for us both to communicate well. So I do know it is possible for someone who does this to change. In my DH's case, he was retreating to sarcasm as a self-protective measure, and he needed to get to a point of trust where he could drop that.

However, I will still note here that he is still capable of going to that place and sarcastically saying very hurtful things when we are in conflict. It happens very rarely at this point (like I can only think of twice within the last few years this has happened) but we are all capable of offering the worst of ourselves and that's his.

I'll also note that while he is WAY better at offering words of affirmation now, it will never be his default. I think this is a common issue for men and I remember dealing with this with ex-boyfriends before him. They often say similar things. Like something I've heard before is "well I don't want to compliment you all the time because then I feel like it loses its impact." I think that's a real explanation -- I wouldn't want to be with someone who was just always telling me how great I am out of habit. It would get old and start to feel pointless or worse, manipulative.

I'm speaking on this from a very different perspective, of course. When I started dating my DH, I was in a different place mentally and if I were the person I am now, I'm not sure I would have stuck it out with him after those early days where he could be very sarcastic and sometimes cutting. We've grown together into better people and partners. I think if you really care about him otherwise and he has other good qualities and you are compatible in other ways (which was definitely very true with my DH, we've always been such a good fit for each other in most ways) it could be worth it to simply talk to him about it and see if you can work on it together.

But if he's very resistant or thinks these requests are unreasonable, that's a good sign that you may too be right for each other. This is clearly important to you, and if he can't see that or doubles down on "well this is just how I am", I don't think I'd want to try and fight that battle.

New poster. This is an excellent and mature perspective. (Though I think the PP above meant to type in the last paragraph, "If he's very resistant or thinks these requests are unreasonable, that's a good sign that you may NOT be right for each other." The post says "you may too be right for each other." That can't be correct....right, PP? You meant "not" instead of "too"?)

To the OP, read and re-read this post. You do not say how long you and the BF have been a couple, or how serious you are. The PP above gives you a good perspective from a relationship that was committed and serious, and where the man was open to hearing it when the woman explained how his "teasing" affected her and why it was not welcome. If you have less time and effort sunk in your BF, if you are not on a track to commitment, and most of all, if he will not amend his ways and try to step back to see if the teasing is part of a bigger problem he has -- consider that he and you are not right for each other.

OP, you already have your script to talk to him, in your own post. The next time he teases, which seems like it will be today, based on what you said, you turn immediately to him and say, "I voiced that I don't like to be teased and I asked you to stop. You said you understood. But the teasing seems to be ingrained and just now, you said X. When you say X, it makes me feel Y. You said earlier you understand why I don't want to be teased. Why is the behavior not changing?"

By the way, OP, there are people in this world who will insist that "it's just a joke." "You can't take a joke." "Lighten up." "Unclench." "I can take it if you can't, I don't care if you tease me back!" "Where's your sense of humor?" "Don't take yourself so seriously." And so on and so on. If those kinds of things are his reaction and he makes no effort to see his teasing objectively as a problem -- you need to be done with him. One of the most toxic things is someone who truly doubles down on unwanted teasing and "jokes" by telling the subject of the teasing that the subject is wrong because she or he "can't take a joke" etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Everyone saying to dump him I have a question for you all:
Are you all so uptight that you never even joke or tease with friends either? And never with your SO?

Do you really think people are going to say, "No, my SO and I never tease or joke"? Your question sounds like a setup to show people how they need to learn to "take a joke."

You surely can understand, PP, that occasional, welcome teasing is not what the OP is talking about here, PP. She's talking about daily, ongoing teasing about which she has already clearly stated her objection. This isn't occasional ribbing.

If the teasing or jokes are not welcome, they are not welcome. Period. What other people do with their SOs or kids or friends isn't relevant to OP here.

Your post gets very close to the "You can't take a joke" kind of reaction that is a red flag. Do you keep teasing your loved ones and friends and SO if they tell you to cut it out, or say it's hurtful?

[Anonymous]

He may not be a bad guy he's just not a good match for you so move on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Everyone saying to dump him I have a question for you all:
Are you all so uptight that you never even joke or tease with friends either? And never with your SO?

My friends and I, my husband and I, joke around all the time. However, my husband will stop if I ask him. He will never go up a level on me. If I give a "those pants are quite baggy, Hammer" to him, he won't then automatically make fun of my clothes, or toss in a "yo mama" joke.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I appreciate everyone’s feedback. To give more details…..the teasing is almost every time I see him. Most recently last night, he called and I said hi when answering. He said who just answered the phone. I said, me of course what are you talking about. Then he said wow, your voice sounded so deep. It’s just these constant little comments that I don’t like. There is always a complaint. Another example
Is we went out to eat and he said, let me hurry up and dive into my food before you try to eat some. I’ve never in my life tried to eat his food. Outside of this, I really like him. He shows interest through lots of quality time (my first love language). We have several hobbies in common so outside of the teasing it’s easy to spend time together. Also the sex is great.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Everyone saying to dump him I have a question for you all:
Are you all so uptight that you never even joke or tease with friends either? And never with your SO?

That isnt it at all. You aren't understanding. She asked him to stop. He has refused to stop. What is it that you don't understand? If your daughter asked her BF to stop giving her hickies and he continued to give her hickies, what would you think? It isn't about having a sense of humor or being uptight (see, OP, the misogynists on DCUM want to make this YOUR fault. Don't fall for it). This is about OP asking her BF NOT to do something, and him disregarding her feelings and request.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I appreciate everyone’s feedback. To give more details…..the teasing is almost every time I see him. Most recently last night, he called and I said hi when answering. He said who just answered the phone. I said, me of course what are you talking about. Then he said wow, your voice sounded so deep. It’s just these constant little comments that I don’t like. There is always a complaint. Another example
Is we went out to eat and he said, let me hurry up and dive into my food before you try to eat some. I’ve never in my life tried to eat his food. Outside of this, I really like him. He shows interest through lots of quality time (my first love language). We have several hobbies in common so outside of the teasing it’s easy to spend time together. Also the sex is great.

Just one thing, OP. He clearly does not care how you feel. You've asked him to stop, he's said he'll stop, and he doesn't stop. This is his sense of humor AT YOUR EXPENSE. At the expense of your comfort.

Like a PP said, this is a red flag. He values his teasing over your comfort. This is unlikely to change if you've repeatedly asked him to stop. He has some growing up to do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Everyone saying to dump him I have a question for you all:
Are you all so uptight that you never even joke or tease with friends either? And never with your SO?

Do you really think people are going to say, "No, my SO and I never tease or joke"? Your question sounds like a setup to show people how they need to learn to "take a joke."

You surely can understand, PP, that occasional, welcome teasing is not what the OP is talking about here, PP. She's talking about daily, ongoing teasing about which she has already clearly stated her objection. This isn't occasional ribbing.

If the teasing or jokes are not welcome, they are not welcome. Period. What other people do with their SOs or kids or friends isn't relevant to OP here.

Your post gets very close to the "You can't take a joke" kind of reaction that is a red flag. Do you keep teasing your loved ones and friends and SO if they tell you to cut it out, or say it's hurtful?

+1 hello, voice of sanity. So many folks here who want to blame OP for this. Or maybe it's just one repeating their mantra over and over.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DH was like this. It has gotten a lot better over the years, both the teasing stopping and also him getting better at words of affirmation. But this required me to set clear boundaries and let him know when he was crossing them, and for us both to communicate well. So I do know it is possible for someone who does this to change. In my DH's case, he was retreating to sarcasm as a self-protective measure, and he needed to get to a point of trust where he could drop that.

However, I will still note here that he is still capable of going to that place and sarcastically saying very hurtful things when we are in conflict. It happens very rarely at this point (like I can only think of twice within the last few years this has happened) but we are all capable of offering the worst of ourselves and that's his.

I'll also note that while he is WAY better at offering words of affirmation now, it will never be his default. I think this is a common issue for men and I remember dealing with this with ex-boyfriends before him. They often say similar things. Like something I've heard before is "well I don't want to compliment you all the time because then I feel like it loses its impact." I think that's a real explanation -- I wouldn't want to be with someone who was just always telling me how great I am out of habit. It would get old and start to feel pointless or worse, manipulative.

I'm speaking on this from a very different perspective, of course. When I started dating my DH, I was in a different place mentally and if I were the person I am now, I'm not sure I would have stuck it out with him after those early days where he could be very sarcastic and sometimes cutting. We've grown together into better people and partners. I think if you really care about him otherwise and he has other good qualities and you are compatible in other ways (which was definitely very true with my DH, we've always been such a good fit for each other in most ways) it could be worth it to simply talk to him about it and see if you can work on it together.

But if he's very resistant or thinks these requests are unreasonable, that's a good sign that you may too be right for each other. This is clearly important to you, and if he can't see that or doubles down on "well this is just how I am", I don't think I'd want to try and fight that battle.

Wow, I think you've just encountered so many terrible men that your brain has been warped. My husband compliments me all the time, and he means it. It's neither pointless nor manipulative. He is a great communicator and loves to tell me how wonderful he thinks I am.