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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]My DH was like this. It has gotten a lot better over the years, both the teasing stopping and also him getting better at words of affirmation. But this required me to set clear boundaries and let him know when he was crossing them, and for us both to communicate well. So I do know it is possible for someone who does this to change. In my DH's case, he was retreating to sarcasm as a self-protective measure, and he needed to get to a point of trust where he could drop that.

However, I will still note here that he is still capable of going to that place and sarcastically saying very hurtful things when we are in conflict. It happens very rarely at this point (like I can only think of twice within the last few years this has happened) but we are all capable of offering the worst of ourselves and that's his.

I'll also note that while he is WAY better at offering words of affirmation now, it will never be his default. I think this is a common issue for men and I remember dealing with this with ex-boyfriends before him. They often say similar things. Like something I've heard before is "well I don't want to compliment you all the time because then I feel like it loses its impact." I think that's a real explanation -- I wouldn't want to be with someone who was just always telling me how great I am out of habit. It would get old and start to feel pointless or worse, manipulative.

I'm speaking on this from a very different perspective, of course. When I started dating my DH, I was in a different place mentally and if I were the person I am now, I'm not sure I would have stuck it out with him after those early days where he could be very sarcastic and sometimes cutting. We've grown together into better people and partners. I think if you really care about him otherwise and he has other good qualities and you are compatible in other ways (which was definitely very true with my DH, we've always been such a good fit for each other in most ways) it could be worth it to simply talk to him about it and see if you can work on it together.

But if he's very resistant or thinks these requests are unreasonable, that's a good sign that you may too be right for each other. This is clearly important to you, and if he can't see that or doubles down on "well this is just how I am", I don't think I'd want to try and fight that battle.[/quote]

New poster. This is an excellent and mature perspective. (Though I think the PP above meant to type in the last paragraph, "If he's very resistant or thinks these requests are unreasonable, that's a good sign that you may NOT  be right for each other." The post says "you may too be right for each other." That can't be correct....right, PP? You meant "not" instead of "too"?)

To the OP, read and re-read this post. You do not say how long you and the BF have been a couple, or how serious you are. The PP above gives you a good perspective from a relationship that was committed and serious, and where the man was open to hearing it when the woman explained how his "teasing" affected her and why it was not welcome. If you have less time and effort sunk in your BF, if you are not on a track to commitment, and most of all, if he will not amend his ways and try to step back to see if the teasing is part of a bigger problem he has -- consider that he and you are not right for each other.

OP, you already have your script to talk to him, in your own post. The next time he teases, which seems like it will be today, based on what you said, you turn immediately to him and say, "I voiced that I don't like to be teased and I asked you to stop. You said you understood. But the teasing seems to be ingrained and [u]just now[/u], you said X. When you say X, it makes me feel Y. You said earlier you understand why I don't want to be teased. Why is the [i]behavior[/i] not changing?"

By the way, OP, there are people in this world who will insist that "it's just a joke." "You can't take a joke." "Lighten up." "Unclench." "I can take it if you can't, I don't care if you tease me back!" "Where's your sense of humor?" "Don't take yourself so seriously." And so on and so on. If those kinds of things are his reaction and he makes no effort to see his teasing objectively as a problem -- you need to be done with him. One of the most toxic things is someone who truly doubles down on unwanted teasing and "jokes" by telling the subject of the teasing that the subject is wrong because she or he "can't take a joke" etc.[/quote]

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