Is this an OK ‘line’ to use with needling relative?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My cousin’s husband is confrontational and enjoys being “edgy” in his extreme conservative views. Never mind that most of the people in my family vote the same way he does; if he perceives someone to be liberal or remotely tolerant of “liberal views” (even though they maybe only voted for a Democrat for president once or twice), he loves to pounce on them and needle them. He really tries hard to engage with me and with my brother and sister, because we are Democrats. We don’t care to talk about political issues or hot-button social topics at family events, but this guy comes out of the gate and doesn’t even bother saying hello, he just gets all up in your face trying to get you to disagree with him and engage.

Another cousins wedding is coming up, and I just know he’ll try to do this, even though it is a wedding and should be a purely fun and joyful day. I’m thinking if he tries this on me, I can simply say, “Jake, today is about celebrating Anna and Steve, and if you want to dance or eat cake, I’m here for that. But if you want to talk about politics or social issues, I’m afraid I can’t indulge you today.” I know that’s kind of pointed, but this guy ruins every event, honestly. He makes even fellow conservatives uncomfortable because he his so outlandishly rude. As far as I know, no one has ever said this to them or to his wife, but nobody likes having him around. He’s a special type of jerky that even if you agree with his view, you are annoyed by his “look at me, I’m so scandalous” behavior. Many relatives have talked about how tired they are of his antics. Is there a better way to shut this down?

This is way, way too polite.

"Jake, you do realize you ruin every event with this behavior, right? And you embarrass your wife. Just this once, please don't make a spectacle of yourself, and concentrate on celebrating Steve and Anna."

You do realize, OP, this is your (all of your) fault for not calling out this behavior earlier.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am so embarrassed for her. My husband is kind of shy and introverted at family functions, but at least he’s polite and pleasant. I don’t think you’d be out of bounds to simply say, “I’m not here for that, Billy.” Every time and walk away.

DP, I like this line. You need something really simple when he riles you. And "that" covers a lot of stuff.

[Anonymous]

I’d just say the four letter F word and off. I may get add imbecile. Done.

[Anonymous]

I'd just say, "I don't talk politics at weddings. How was your [toe surgery/anniversary/trip to Niagara Falls/whatever]?" If he doesn't pivot with you, then quickly disengage and talk to someone else.

Rinse and repeat.

I seriously cannot believe the people who think you should deliver your line with a list of the guy's character flaws and how nobody likes him. If he were to ask for feedback in an open way, sure, maybe give examples, but your goal in the initial salvo is just to disentangle yourself from the show he is inevitably going to put on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My cousin’s husband is confrontational and enjoys being “edgy” in his extreme conservative views. Never mind that most of the people in my family vote the same way he does; if he perceives someone to be liberal or remotely tolerant of “liberal views” (even though they maybe only voted for a Democrat for president once or twice), he loves to pounce on them and needle them. He really tries hard to engage with me and with my brother and sister, because we are Democrats. We don’t care to talk about political issues or hot-button social topics at family events, but this guy comes out of the gate and doesn’t even bother saying hello, he just gets all up in your face trying to get you to disagree with him and engage.

Another cousins wedding is coming up, and I just know he’ll try to do this, even though it is a wedding and should be a purely fun and joyful day. I’m thinking if he tries this on me, I can simply say, “Jake, today is about celebrating Anna and Steve, and if you want to dance or eat cake, I’m here for that. But if you want to talk about politics or social issues, I’m afraid I can’t indulge you today.” I know that’s kind of pointed, but this guy ruins every event, honestly. He makes even fellow conservatives uncomfortable because he his so outlandishly rude. As far as I know, no one has ever said this to them or to his wife, but nobody likes having him around. He’s a special type of jerky that even if you agree with his view, you are annoyed by his “look at me, I’m so scandalous” behavior. Many relatives have talked about how tired they are of his antics. Is there a better way to shut this down?

This is way, way too polite.

"Jake, you do realize you ruin every event with this behavior, right? And you embarrass your wife. Just this once, please don't make a spectacle of yourself, and concentrate on celebrating Steve and Anna."

You do realize, OP, this is your (all of your) fault for not calling out this behavior earlier.

OP here. I have definitely challenged this behavior, but I have never gone as the pointed language I suggested. In the past, I’ve said things like, “I don’t want to talk about that when there are crab cakes.” So I’ve never just like let him sit there and lecture me. Thing is, he hops from person to person until he gets a reaction.

And actually? No, HIS BEHAVIOR is not *my fault.* It’s his, primarily, and if anyone else should have stopped him by now, it should have been his wife. But you tried it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That's not pointed. Not at all. I think it's too wordy.

"Jake, we're never talking politics again. Ever. Go away."

Agree. I like the above, but guessing OP would never say this. So, OP, shorten yours to: "Jake, I am here to have fun and eat cake, not talk politics."

[Anonymous]

I’d probably just give him a look and walk away.

[Anonymous]

I'd probably roll my eyes and say, "Don't you ever get tired of talking about politics? I'm here to celebrate Anna and Steve." And then if he keeps it up, just walk away. Every time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That's not pointed. Not at all. I think it's too wordy.

+1

OP give us some examples of his opening lines and we'll tell you how to respond.

[Anonymous]

Why do you have to say anything first? That's instigating for him and will most certainly result in more of the same. When he asks a question or make a statement, why don't you just respond "I don't talk politics at family events. Tell me, what do you think of Larla's dress? Doesn't she look lovely? And Aunt Thelma out there on the dance floor doing the Texas Two-Step. What a hoot!"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My cousin’s husband is confrontational and enjoys being “edgy” in his extreme conservative views. Never mind that most of the people in my family vote the same way he does; if he perceives someone to be liberal or remotely tolerant of “liberal views” (even though they maybe only voted for a Democrat for president once or twice), he loves to pounce on them and needle them. He really tries hard to engage with me and with my brother and sister, because we are Democrats. We don’t care to talk about political issues or hot-button social topics at family events, but this guy comes out of the gate and doesn’t even bother saying hello, he just gets all up in your face trying to get you to disagree with him and engage.

Another cousins wedding is coming up, and I just know he’ll try to do this, even though it is a wedding and should be a purely fun and joyful day. I’m thinking if he tries this on me, I can simply say, “Jake, today is about celebrating Anna and Steve, and if you want to dance or eat cake, I’m here for that. But if you want to talk about politics or social issues, I’m afraid I can’t indulge you today.” I know that’s kind of pointed, but this guy ruins every event, honestly. He makes even fellow conservatives uncomfortable because he his so outlandishly rude. As far as I know, no one has ever said this to them or to his wife, but nobody likes having him around. He’s a special type of jerky that even if you agree with his view, you are annoyed by his “look at me, I’m so scandalous” behavior. Many relatives have talked about how tired they are of his antics. Is there a better way to shut this down?

This is way, way too polite.

"Jake, you do realize you ruin every event with this behavior, right? And you embarrass your wife. Just this once, please don't make a spectacle of yourself, and concentrate on celebrating Steve and Anna."

You do realize, OP, this is your (all of your) fault for not calling out this behavior earlier.

OP here. I have definitely challenged this behavior, but I have never gone as the pointed language I suggested. In the past, I’ve said things like, “I don’t want to talk about that when there are crab cakes.” So I’ve never just like let him sit there and lecture me. Thing is, he hops from person to person until he gets a reaction.

And actually? No, HIS BEHAVIOR is not *my fault.* It’s his, primarily, and if anyone else should have stopped him by now, it should have been his wife. But you tried it.

So his response is he goes away. Bingo. What he does with other people is his business and theirs. You're already found what works. Why are you stirring this up??? Sounds like there is more than one person in the family who hopes to get a reaction, just sayin'.

[Anonymous]

I would say (and have said) "I'm not interested. Please leave me alone." That works for all kinds of conversations, and cannot be misunderstood.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I look at them as if they're interesting specimens I might dissect later, and I turn around and talk to someone else. I have done that. It's very effective.

Ah, the cut direct. Nice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My cousin’s husband is confrontational and enjoys being “edgy” in his extreme conservative views. Never mind that most of the people in my family vote the same way he does; if he perceives someone to be liberal or remotely tolerant of “liberal views” (even though they maybe only voted for a Democrat for president once or twice), he loves to pounce on them and needle them. He really tries hard to engage with me and with my brother and sister, because we are Democrats. We don’t care to talk about political issues or hot-button social topics at family events, but this guy comes out of the gate and doesn’t even bother saying hello, he just gets all up in your face trying to get you to disagree with him and engage.

Another cousins wedding is coming up, and I just know he’ll try to do this, even though it is a wedding and should be a purely fun and joyful day. I’m thinking if he tries this on me, I can simply say, “Jake, today is about celebrating Anna and Steve, and if you want to dance or eat cake, I’m here for that. But if you want to talk about politics or social issues, I’m afraid I can’t indulge you today.” I know that’s kind of pointed, but this guy ruins every event, honestly. He makes even fellow conservatives uncomfortable because he his so outlandishly rude. As far as I know, no one has ever said this to them or to his wife, but nobody likes having him around. He’s a special type of jerky that even if you agree with his view, you are annoyed by his “look at me, I’m so scandalous” behavior. Many relatives have talked about how tired they are of his antics. Is there a better way to shut this down?

This is way, way too polite.

"Jake, you do realize you ruin every event with this behavior, right? And you embarrass your wife. Just this once, please don't make a spectacle of yourself, and concentrate on celebrating Steve and Anna."

You do realize, OP, this is your (all of your) fault for not calling out this behavior earlier.

OP here. I have definitely challenged this behavior, but I have never gone as the pointed language I suggested. In the past, I’ve said things like, “I don’t want to talk about that when there are crab cakes.” So I’ve never just like let him sit there and lecture me. Thing is, he hops from person to person until he gets a reaction.

And actually? No, HIS BEHAVIOR is not *my fault.* It’s his, primarily, and if anyone else should have stopped him by now, it should have been his wife. But you tried it.

So his response is he goes away. Bingo. What he does with other people is his business and theirs. You're already found what works. Why are you stirring this up??? Sounds like there is more than one person in the family who hopes to get a reaction, just sayin'.

Looks like we’ve found the guy who can’t read the room. Bye!

[Anonymous]

you don’t have to have a conversation with him. just smile and kind of look over his shoulder - oh I’ve got to say hi to Ann, oh I must run to the ladies, how are the kids?, this wedding is so beautiful and so on. whatever he says say one of these back or ignore or smile and squeeze his arm and say great to see you and walk away.